For being sad that I didn’t get invited to DH friend’s wedding

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My DH’s friend is getting married end of next year, and last week an envelope addressed to my husband was posted through the door which was the invite to his friend’s wedding and his friend confirmed that it was just DH and no plus ones. They’ve been friends for almost 20 years. I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, married for 5, almost 6.

we’ve known about the wedding for a while now as we were both given a save the date, and from that I assumed I was invited too. I was quite excited, but I’ve been a bit sad for the past week at not being invited. I’m fine with my husband going on his own, and I’ll probably just have a chill day at home and pamper myself. But I’m still a bit disappointed, which I think might be an overreaction.

My husband and I didn’t have a wedding, just an us and parents only registry office thing as I’ve never liked the idea of having a big wedding for myself. But had we have had a big wedding, I would have invited friend’s and their partners, especially if they’re married as I feel that’s what is “normal”.

I’m sorry if I’ve rambled, I don’t want to drip feed

It’s almost certainly a numbers thing then. It is unusual to only invite one of a couple so maybe they are on a very tight budget.

You’re not unreasonable to be disappointed. Having had a save the date you were expecting to attend. They’ve probably had to whittle their guest list since then. Try not to let it colour your friendship with them though. It’s only one day, a big day but you’ll be seeing them a lot in the future.

The save the date thing baffles me. If they are sent to people who might not get an actual invitation, it’s bound to cause confusion and disappointment. It’s a bit arrogant to ask people to save a date on the off chance they might make the cut and just another cost added to what is already a ridiculously expensive event.

Given divorce statistics, there’s always a chance you’ll be invited to his next wedding 😬

It's rude. Married people are a social unit and to not invited them both when you know them both socially to an event celebrating the holy bond that is marriage is extremely gauche. If you didn't know them socially at all I could see how they might get away with it. In this case they chose to be rude.

What happened to taking your budget, working out who you wanted to invite and picking your venue accordingly?

I have been to many a wedding without my husband of 34 years. To mates and work colleagues weddings. He doesn't know any of them and would hate making small talk for the sake of it. Do something nice on the day for you.

We had the exact same. Its made worse by the fact that the majority of my husbands friends partners are going (most of whom aren’t married or together that long but we’ve been married 12 years).

If is rude when not preceded with a call/message explaining why. If I’m honest, they are bloody lucky that it was me that opened the envelope as my husband wouldn’t have noticed it was only in one name!

Its also been repeatedly embarrassed when bumping into my DH friends and partners and the asking things like ‘how are you getting to the wedding’ and ‘are you staying over’ etc- assuming I’m going.

DH decided to still go. I’ve been clear to him though that if anyone asks he’s to be explicit that I wasn’t invited- I’m not having anyone think I’m rude. He’s also booked me into a spa for the day and asked his mum to have the kids.

It’s not just a money thing, though that is a part of it. We viewed about 10 venues near us and only one had capacity for over 100, which is what we needed. Mostly, for the following summer, they only had Friday rather than Saturday availability. Weekday weddings are often considered rude by MN posters as well.

Picking a venue is a balance of budget, availability, convenience for key guests like parents and siblings etc There will always be a compromise on something. If it was a question of the couple inviting only friends or friends with plus ones, then it’s possible the group with DH in wouldn’t have been invited at all as other groups (say cousins) got the plus one quotient and used up all the seats.

Gosh some snidely posters out in force this morning. I can't imagine not going as a couple to a joint friends wedding. Sure it's you husbands mate but they know you both. It's really not normal. People should budget their wedding to cover the numbers they would invite. Not ruthlessly cull numbers.

Five friends?

I had uni friends, school friends, childhood friends, work friends to my wedding and DH the same. And wayyy more than 15 family each - uncles, cousins, grandparents. We did have partners and spouses but not “plus ones” of a few months. But we did not, shock horror, have kids except my nieces. Because at least half the cousins had 2-3 kids of their own, and - as above - we had already booked one of the biggest venues we could and there simply wasn’t room.

(at the time, none of our friends had kids though one was pregnant, so that helped!)

What if that means you can’t get married for another year, because the larger venue isn’t available until then?

Or you simply decide you can’t invite any of the 5, because you don’t have space for 10?

Or you want to get married in a certain place because it means a lot to you?

It’s an invite. If DH objects to the limitations of the invite, he can decline.

I think it’s rude and wouldn’t do it myself.

I also suspect that your husband knew about it in advance and think it’s a bit of a shame he’s so chipper about it.

Which 5 other people should the groom take off his list then, do you think? Cousins? Great aunts?

to @BananaSpanner

YANBU OP. It's rude to only invite one half of a married couple to a wedding (personally I think it's rude to only invite one half of any established couple but appreciate that others have a 'no ring, no bring' attitude).

Assuming that it's a cost-cutting exercise on the couple's part then they'd save a bit more if it was us, as the invited one would decline.

A wedding is a celebration of marriage and it's rude and bizarre not to respect the marriages of your guests.

How does your husband feel about not being a groomsman for the man he regards as his brother?

Moving forwards, as you’re the only two pairs in long-term relationships within the group, would you consider meeting up as couples or inviting them to your home for a meal?

As someone currently planning a wedding, I actually think it's quite rude to not invite long term partners. I've just had to factor that into my numbers🤷🏼‍♀️ guest enjoyment is a huge factor for me and I know I'd enjoy myself more with my partner there. Even if the plus one is just for the evening. No way would I send a save the date and then retract it!

Op I think this is odd too.

Assuming there haven’t been many weddings in your circle, I suspect that the B&G will look back in embarrassment in future years.

It reminds me of a kid’s birthday party where the parents had never been to one and didn’t realise the expectation was to feed the kids!

Unless this is a tiny wedding of circa 15 people, it’s unacceptably rude.

You don’t celebrate your marriage by disregarding someone else’s.

If they are doing this to other guests as well, then that is their plan. I would just go and do my own thing for the day. Why do you need to pamper yourself or feel sad? You are an adult. This is their choice, deal with it, hope your partner has a nice day, and move on.

Honestly if one of our guests had alluded to us they'd rather be invited without their spouse I'd have said no, we're inviting both of you or neither.

Don't make me the bad guy because you fancy a day of 'freedom' or whatever. That's a you problem.