For being sad that I didn’t get invited to DH friend’s wedding

[Shopaddict]

My DH’s friend is getting married end of next year, and last week an envelope addressed to my husband was posted through the door which was the invite to his friend’s wedding and his friend confirmed that it was just DH and no plus ones. They’ve been friends for almost 20 years. I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, married for 5, almost 6.

we’ve known about the wedding for a while now as we were both given a save the date, and from that I assumed I was invited too. I was quite excited, but I’ve been a bit sad for the past week at not being invited. I’m fine with my husband going on his own, and I’ll probably just have a chill day at home and pamper myself. But I’m still a bit disappointed, which I think might be an overreaction.

My husband and I didn’t have a wedding, just an us and parents only registry office thing as I’ve never liked the idea of having a big wedding for myself. But had we have had a big wedding, I would have invited friend’s and their partners, especially if they’re married as I feel that’s what is “normal”.

I’m sorry if I’ve rambled, I don’t want to drip feed

Inviting a married person without their spouse to a wedding is the height of rudeness imo. "Come and celebrate my union with my person who I want to spend the rest of my life with, but leave your person at home please because we dgaf about your union." In your husband's shoes I'd be dropping the insulting invite straight into the recycling, but it's his choice!

So you didn’t. What you meant to do doesn’t really matter if it never happened. How much effort do you make with these friends? It’s telling they’re still DH’s friends after being together so long. My partners friends are mine now and vice versa because we both make an effort with them.

Behave yourself. Peoples entitlement to be included in weddings of people they barely know or have spent time with is exactly what you’re moaning about here. The world isn’t going down the pan because a person that met the wedding party twice isn’t included in the breakfast.

This may be part of the reason, if they were to invite you, other members of the friend group may be annoyed that their partners aren't also invited (or their partners may be annoyed at you causing bad feeling), so you may be an accidental casualty of them saying 'no partners of friends', plus it makes it cheaper for them, and the guys get to hang out as a group at the wedding, there would also be no politics about 'so and so not being together long enough to warrant an invite etc'.

It must hurt a little though, you should tell your DH how you feel about it, but with no laying of guilt or obligation for him to do anything about it, why should you have to hide how you feel from him? You can tell him you feel a bit disappointed and still want him to go and enjoy himself, one doesn't cancel the other out.

I think it’s really harsh. I would have cut couples before I would ever have asked someone in a long term relationship to come alone

I thought it was still pretty standard to invite married partners, unless perhaps it’s work colleagues who are just invited for the evening.

It’s quite staggeringly rude and in your DH’s place I wouldn’t go.

Not inviting someone's spouse is massively divisive and the invitation should be declined. He's obviously not much of a "brother".

It’s fascinating how some people get everything backwards.

An invitation is a request of your guests. It’s entitled to think you can offend and disrespect them. They are doing you a favour by showing up, you are not doing them a favour by getting married.

If money is the issue this couple are clearly after a wedding they can’t afford.

Infact you got married nearly 6 years ago covid was only 4 and a half years sorry not really an excuse you didn't want wedding fine .but you did you. they are doing them

Personally I think it is kind of rubbish that you aren't invited. You are a couple and I would always invite whole couples to a wedding, even if I don't know the other half, because it's not nice to go to a wedding alone and your partner can't come.

his friend confirmed that it was just DH and no plus ones.

If you mean that literally - “no plus ones” plural - it sounds like it’s an across the board decision, rather than you being singled out in any way.

I wouldn’t have minded if I’d only been with my husband for a year or so, or that DH hadn’t been friends with him for a long time, at that point I wouldn’t have even thought I would get an invite

There was a similar thread to this recently, although from the point of view of the invited person rather than the uninvited spouse. She was saying the same - “It’s not as if we’ve only been together a few months!”

I'll say to you what I said to them. It’s all very well thinking your partner (or you in this case) is different from all the other partners; more of a friend in their/your own right. What you have to consider is that saying one partner can come is opening the floodgates. If you can come because you’re married, which means inviting all the spouses, does that mean they have to invite partners who are “only” engaged too? Do long-term live-in partners then count too? And if Bob has been with his partner for five years and they’re not married, but Steve is married but only for a year, do they both have equal rights when it comes to their plus one?

I think you need to accept that they’ve chosen not to invite partners and not take it personally.

Well, why doesn't your husband just call and say, "Thanks for the invitation, but I just wanted to double-check - Mary's not invited?"

OP said there are five of them in the friendship group. That’s not the same as the groom only having five friends 🙄🙄

and his friend confirmed that it was just DH and no plus ones.

What’s to double-check?

People are tying themselves in knots on here trying to excuse your dh’s friend for his poor behaviour, but fundamentally whatever the excuse this is really, really poor form.

You have every right to feel offended op, it happened to me once and dh turned down the invitation and distanced himself from that friend, he agreed it was shabby behaviour and it made him look at his ‘friend’ in a different light.

I don't know why people are acting like it's only normal for a plus one to be included if they are super close to the bride and groom. I mean, that's literally the concept of a plus one in wedding tradition is isn't it? You're extending your 'main' attendee the courtesy of having their special person there with them as they celebrate your special day and bond. I understand not inviting new partners, but for established relationships it should be enough that the plus one has been 'chosen' by the person you want to invite. It's a respect thing I think. You can argue this and that about costs nowadays, and perhaps that's valid, but it's bit gaslighty to say to Op "Aha! So you're not even that close to them, why do you think you deserve to go anyway!"

Sure plus onwards is the standard but seriously you are this upset about someone else's wedding?

You weren't invited life goes on

Honestly does it really matter? You can be without him for a day can't you?

Surely you must have a life outside of him?

No. OP says it’s been confirmed it’s DH only. .

DSIL invited only DH to her wedding. Not me or the kids. We've been married 17 years with two teenagers and she definitely came to our wedding. Apparently she had to have the specific venue which meant she had to be ruthless with the guest list DMIL explained. DSIL didn't actually say anything. Apparently there was to be a big family party to celebrate this wedding. We gave one specific week that we couldn't make due to work commitments. DFIL invited us via text to the party every other family member was going to, arranged on that week we said we couldn't make six months previous.

I'm going straight to hell as I properly laughed when DSIL's wife left her for another woman after only two months of marriage. The same month of said big party....

Do you see him as a brother?

Pretty much same scenario happened to DH and I. I didn’t know the person and I also knew DH would have lots of fun with his single friends having a drink (I don’t drink and dislike social situations where I don’t know anyone). I also agree with the previous posts that suggest your DH should sort out any cards and presents. I wasn't put out by the lack of invite, I did find it strange for a moment (being a married couple) but then was happier not to go.

I guess when there’s a group of friends who know each other, it’s cheaper to not do plus one, as they won’t be sat there alone. Maybe it’s not the norm, but they clearly need to keep costs down. Not unreasonable to feel sad but not annoyed.

I think it is rude but I, like you, would not say anything and I would not want to spoil my husband's joy..

Nearer to the day you might like to arrange an outing with the other partners of the friends who are also not invited. While the wedding is on you could have a game of golf, walk in a National Park, go out for a meal etc.

It might transpire that some guests can not accept their invitation and you could score a late invitation.

If you are sure your husband is not living a double life, you are right to not take offence.
(I know someone who took a secret girlfriend to a wedding.)

I think it’s rude personally. You either invite a couple to the day or to the evening, not just one of them all day.
if I was dh I wouldn’t go, just politely decline the invite, and then leave it there.