For being sad that I didn’t get invited to DH friend’s wedding

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My DH’s friend is getting married end of next year, and last week an envelope addressed to my husband was posted through the door which was the invite to his friend’s wedding and his friend confirmed that it was just DH and no plus ones. They’ve been friends for almost 20 years. I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, married for 5, almost 6.

we’ve known about the wedding for a while now as we were both given a save the date, and from that I assumed I was invited too. I was quite excited, but I’ve been a bit sad for the past week at not being invited. I’m fine with my husband going on his own, and I’ll probably just have a chill day at home and pamper myself. But I’m still a bit disappointed, which I think might be an overreaction.

My husband and I didn’t have a wedding, just an us and parents only registry office thing as I’ve never liked the idea of having a big wedding for myself. But had we have had a big wedding, I would have invited friend’s and their partners, especially if they’re married as I feel that’s what is “normal”.

I’m sorry if I’ve rambled, I don’t want to drip feed

The mumsnet obsession with manners is bonkers.

Dumbest, most ludicrous post on the thread. Have a medal 🏅

I think this is the case and it makes sense. I’m now actually looking forward to a night in with the house to myself

I've never heard of a wedding where all the guests were not included a plus one.
Is this a proper wedding party with dinner and dancing?

Another reason nobody has mentioned could be that there is some kind of "lads dynamic" going on and they felt having a wife around may spoil the fun they have planned. Some men take copious amounts of drugs when out with their mates and others are not always faithful (not saying he will do this, but I know lots of men who are entirely different people to their partners compared to their old childhood friends). Long-term friendship groups tend to be complicit in this sort of behaviour and enable the person to be who they were "back in the days" rather than accepting their current circumstances. If DH has ever given you any reason to suspect his behaviour while away from you, then it may be best to be a bit wary.

It sounds like you have no relationship with the bride and groom and I think where there are any concerns about costs or venue size plus ones are the obvious choice to cull. What better way to ensure the people who mean most to you in life can all be invited?

It is, it’s a whole day event

I think it's very rude to not invite you. I wouldn't have dreamed of it for my wedding. All wedding invitations have been for me and my husband although we've passed the age where weddings are very common. I find the habit of "evening" invites without the ceremony and reception a bit tacky as well - sort of second class guests. It simply wasn't a thing when I got married. You either were there for the whole thing or you weren't.

I do get it because DH and I’s wedding ended up being 60 people when we really only had 15 guests each but once we added partners on (everyone had long term partners) it became 30 each.

That being said I think it’s rude not to invite established partners to a wedding hence why we did. I would politely turn down an invite if my husband wasn’t invited and he vice versa. I wouldn’t make an issue of it though because it’s up to the bride and groom. But an invite isn’t a summons as they say.

I've heard of this happening more frequently due to costs. It sounds like it's totally not personal OP, just if they invited you then they'd have to invite all the other plus ones. I understand your disappointment though, weddings are such a good vibe day and it's so rare to get chance to get dressed up and have fun with partner and friends as everyone is so busy.

I think this is your answer. It would maybe cause drama if you were invited and other partners were not so it’s easier to say no plus ones

I think that’s fair enough and don’t agree with some posters that people should be invited to weddings just because they are the spouse of a guest they want to have there

The world is in the state it is at the moment because of a lack of manners. Have you seen how many threads there are about the current rudeness of people?

I stick to my original statement. Weddings have got completely out of hand with their extravagance. Might as well have a poncy expensive day and not invite any guests - that would solve the problem!! I don't live in the UK, maybe we are a bit more clued up on wedding etiquette here.

If your DH has given the impression to his friend in the past that he isnt bothered whether you, as his wife, accompanies him to parties and meet ups in the past then it perhaps explains why you haven't been invited to the wedding : his friend has got the impression your DH wouldn't be bothered about you not being there.
I think that's very sad OP.

Rude to send you a save the date and then no invite. That's worse than not inviting a spouse.

But if it's no other OHs, just DH + 4 male friends...the dynamic does change a bit.

I still think they should have asked you.

Enjoy your night in.

I think some couples really don’t care if their guests enjoy themselves. After all, ‘their wedding, their rules…..’
I find it sad really.

Just let it go.

I've seen this more recently OP if it helps! I still find it unusual as I live in Ireland where guests typically put money in a card to cover the meal and a gift to the newlyweds. Yet it still might come down to costs, in the excited wedding prep stage they may have had another venue in mind to suit a larger crowd but it ended up being too expensive. I'd chalk it down to that and try squirrel away some money for a night away with your husband.

YANBU for what it's worth, I can't imagine rescinding a save the date I think that is so rude! But don't take it personally. I'm sure you're one of many partners by the sounds of it!

This. They are very crass and thoughtless. So, quite frankly, is your husband for even considering to attend. He should send his regrets and a pleasant card of well-wishes.

I don't know... Personally, I'd rather have a low-key wedding and leave no-one out than not invite spouses of best friends. But then again, I don't really 'get' the modern trend of not inviting children, either, so I'm old-fashioned. To me, the best wedding is a warm and inclusive 'the more the merrier' event, not an expensive attempt at elegant perfection (which is usually doomed to fail, anyway).

Anyway, I'd do as a PP suggested and not bother much with this couple. Leave any future gifts and communication entirely to him, as they are clearly his friends and his friends only.

This and as such I’d question my husband’s wish to attend.

what about the other friends‘ wives?

Newly engaged myself, and will be having the type of wedding you had. Registry office, my dad and sister will be my only guests, and partners guests will be his son, his dad, his mum, and maybe his 2 half siblings whom he isn't close to. Wouldn't mind his sisters partner and their 3 kids attending also. Neither of our dads have partners, my mum passed 15 years ago. His brother is a casual hook up guy not a relationship type, my sister is single and not interested in dating.

The only person who will absolutely not be getting an invite is MIL's husband. They've been married for over 11 years, but both me and partner cannot stand him. He's been arrested in the past for assaulting my partner, and it almost ended their marriage. The only reason she stayed was because she was pushing 60, has major health issues and couldn't afford to split and start again alone. He loves her, but honestly i don't think she even really likes him, it is an affectionless relationship. I don't care if it is the "done" thing, or thought of as rude for not inviting a long term spouse, especially as the only excluded spouse, he will absolutely NOT be there.

I don't think its a given that all long term partners/spouses should get an invite, especially if its a numbers/budget reason to keep the guestlist small. Imo all attendees should actually have a meaningful relationship with the marrying couple, and not just be there for the sake of politeness as a plus one to an actual close friend or family member.

I'd have to wonder how many people they are inviting that they can't include you. He has 5 friends, so 10 with partners. So assume 10 from her side. Then 15 each family, there's still up to 10 spaces for a party of 60.

Perhaps you havent been invited to ensure you are the childcare?

You’re deffo not over-reacting. I understand it’s a shock if you were under the impression you were invited and looking forward to it.

Possibly they don’t want the expense of inviting the OH’s of the group of friends because they haven’t been together so long, so don’t know them so well. But to avoid any upset, they haven’t invited any OH’s, including you. But, does seem a little unfair when you’re married and have known them years.

Or maybe your DH offered to go alone, to spend the day with the group of friends, or because he thinks one of you would have to stay with your DC?

You’re right to use the time to enjoy yourself.

I think you're disappointed because you were looking forward to going. That's fine.

I think they have invited this group of the groom's friends without their partners because some of them are in much newer relationships and it would have been more difficult to give some a plus one and not all. It shouldn't affect your socialising with them in the future.

Me and DP have been together for nearly a few decades. Fifteen years in, one of his uni mates was getting married. I’d met him a few times over the years, wasn’t my cup of tea as he was a womaniser and serial cheat, but he wasn’t my problem, so I was always friendly with him. Anyhoo, wedding was at the opposite end of the country and DP was invited, but I wasn’t. I was a bit miffed as we’d been together a long time (longest relationship out of the friendship group) and had lived together for a decade at this point.

DP didn’t go to the wedding, not out of protest that I wasn’t invited, but because he’s generally lazy and would rely on me to force him to attend his friends wedding, book accommodation, drive us there etc.

One of his colleagues got married few years back, I’d met the bride and groom a couple of times beforehand, but we were both invited to the wedding, so we went to that - yes I forced DP as I knew once he got there he’d enjoy it, and he did 😂

If we get round to getting hitched, we’ve said we’d invite friends long terms partners. it’s just respectful their relationship. Yea weddings are expensive, but we’d budget accordingly, or at the very least invite them to the evening reception etc.