To make up an excuse to not go? Also... can you help with the excuse please?

[Rebeccaa1996]

I have agreed to go to an event Sunday with a group of old friends. It's a meal and drinks to celebrate a big birthday. I've now seen the menus online and it's going to be bit pricey and I think a shared bill with everyone ordering carefree whatever they like. I'm a bit tighter for cash than the rest of the group would know and I know the venue isn't negotiable and don't want to have to single myself out by asking to pay individually for items. Über will be at least £30 and the dinner split will be I think £40-50.

Would it be really terrible and mean to not go? I like the group but the idea of £80 spent on a night out feels like a lot of money which honestly I could do with for Christmas.

And if I do, what's the best way to excuse myself without looking like I don't care about the birthday friend?

The only way to get out of this is to feign illness. If you mention being skint they'll offer to help out.

Yes I think they would think of ways to keep the cost down which would then be really embarrassing to actually do at the time.

I would just send a message to say you’re sorry but you’re not going to be able to make it now but you hope they have a a good time. Why make an excuse that will be a lie. If there’s lots of them going it really doesn’t need to be a big deal.

This virus that’s going round is a (convenient) bastard. You don’t want to give it to anyone else, even if you could manage to stagger along.

It's not a big group which makes it feel more of a let down. I feel really bad.

Absolutely don't make an excuse! As suggested, just "sorry I can no longer attend. Have a good time". Don't apologise, either!

Another option could you drive, get picked up or use public transport to keep the travel costs down?

Otherwise, illness is the only excuse that will really work here. There is a nasty fluey thing going round.

What kind of a night is it? Is it dinner then a bar or just dinner?

Drive yourself, go late and don’t eat at all, just have coffee or a coke at the end and just pay for that. Say you are not drinking for November. Tell them you had an
appointment you couldn’t change and drive home.

Best way to get out of stuff like this is be really enthusiastic and say how much you are looking forward to it - THEN last minute illness accompanied by much sadness

It's quite far away so I don't think joining late would work unfortunately, or that would be a good solution.

So my 2 go to's are:

I've fallen in my silly heels I was wearing for tonight and can't put weight on it. See you all next time !

I've been called into work so wont make it - So sorry.

I'd say exactly what you've said here - you just can't afford it this close to Christmas. And then suggest a drink with the birthday person another time.

Why wouldn't you apologise? You've agreed to go out for a friends big birthday and now you're flaking out.

I think you should go OP. Better to say that you're a bit broke and would like a separate bill than not go at all.

I'd be honest. Say it's too expensive.
If these are close friends they should be understanding.

“Really sorry but some of my circumstances have changed since we arranged this and I simply can’t make it. Have a brilliant time, love to catch up soon.”

In similar situations with a group, long standing friends, someone has said, I'm just paying for what I've had, and it's been fine, handy to say it first to someone supportive and sensible who'll back you up. We have one person who is our 'accountant' and always does the bill splitting and would understand.

I don’t understand it being far away is a problem, you still have to go there and back, just less time in the middle.

Can you go and not drink?

Do you drive?

There is no shame in not having lots of cash. Just let the birthday person know you had some unexpected costs this month and for that reason you need to watch your final bill and is it OK not to split it. It seems so common now to let people down at the last minute which is just a bit mean after all the planning that goes into organising those things and the fact that she may have had to put down a per head deposit.

Don't lie. It's really depressing when people actually are ill and drop out as you feel like you can't trust them.

Either tell the truth or just say you can't make it. And don't do it last minute.

I don't think it's nice to flake out fairly last minute because you haven't budgeted for it. It's not like it's a big surprise.

Go, and drive, and say at the outset that you'll just pay for yours, and just have a cheap option.

Honestly if one of my good friends just said this I'd wonder how good friends we actually are. Surely for a good friend you'd at least apologise and say so sorry XYZ has come up??

Can you drive and are just getting Uber because of drinking?

If so, I would still go but drive and get a lower bill as a non drinker. If you can’t drive, is there no public transport to get there at least and just get Uber back? How do you get around normally?

I think this is the way. Your friends like you and want to see you — they would rather you were there and made the bill slightly more complicated than you weren't there at all.

I totally agree with this.

Is Uber the only option OP? Could you catch a lift with someone else? If it's alcohol related could you stay on soft drinks all night and drive?

If your friend means a lot to you and you could afford to pay for yourself, I think I’d be honest with her and then subtlety ask the venue for a separate bill (maybe even going to the bar and paying for yours while everyone is having pudding). You could say that you were paying separately because someone had given you a voucher for the venue you wanted to use. Nobody would expect you to use a gift to pay for them.

If it would be tight to even cover your own cost, then I’d go with mumps or shingles a couple of days beforehand. You’d have to Google it for how long it would last for, and how long you have to stay quiet for, but it’s enough to make you feel ropey, even when not contagious.