To make up an excuse to not go? Also... can you help with the excuse please?

[Rebeccaa1996]

I have agreed to go to an event Sunday with a group of old friends. It's a meal and drinks to celebrate a big birthday. I've now seen the menus online and it's going to be bit pricey and I think a shared bill with everyone ordering carefree whatever they like. I'm a bit tighter for cash than the rest of the group would know and I know the venue isn't negotiable and don't want to have to single myself out by asking to pay individually for items. Über will be at least £30 and the dinner split will be I think £40-50.

Would it be really terrible and mean to not go? I like the group but the idea of £80 spent on a night out feels like a lot of money which honestly I could do with for Christmas.

And if I do, what's the best way to excuse myself without looking like I don't care about the birthday friend?

I think "something has come up" would simply mean a clash in plans with something else, I can't think how else to phrase it without it being too exact (therefore a lie) or far too formal like "due to circumstances beyond my control" .

If the person organising the event wants to query it they could ring her if so worried, (and THEN maybe OP would have to admit she simply could not afford it if she wanted to be honest) but I think she would have to be incredibly pushy to do so, most people would simply accept the reason given. I have seen similar responses to my "something has come up" in group texts before and thought nothing sinister about it.

@TheMamaLife

”enjoy your night in” well, she isn’t really is she - a night at home in front of the telly is hardly comparable to a night out with friends is it?! Poor Op

Could you say that you can't afford it because you've got an unexpected car bill? It's a half truth, and something that has actually happened to me.

No I think it's crap to cancel on someone's special birthday.

I'd message the organiser and say you're looking forward to it but money is tight. Is there another way to do the bill? I'd say you're driving if anyone wants a lift even from the train station or whatever. I'm sure they will work something out for you.

I think OP is getting a hard time here. She accepted a save the date invitation. She did not know that the friend's "orgsniser" was going to book somewhere hard to get to and expensive. When she did find out she tried to back out but it seemed they wouldn't take "no" for an answer and kept discounting her polite excuses.

It's not going to work that she just pays for what she eats and drinks water because it's not a la carte but food for the table and possibly I would think some chipping in for alcohol for the table. I imagine people might order a few extra sides as well and who knows how much alcohol is going to be bought for the table. And they will possiby want to cover the cost of the birthday woman's meal. It is not the sort of place where she can drop in for a drink at the end, not to mention being miles away.

I think taking into account the transport and the ordering for the table it's likely to turn into a very expensive evening. I think the organiser has been tone deaf to have set this up this way just before Christmas and refused to listen to OP's attempts to decline.

Let's be clear the woman is not hosting a gathering for her birthday and inviting her friends. She has simply booked an expensive restaurant in a not very convenient location and invited her friends to pay for what is no doubt going to a very expensive affair. This is just before Christmas in the middle of a cost of living crisis. I don't think OP should be going short at Chistmas and having to skimp on presents, food and/or heating to go to this dinner for people she is no longer that close to.

Given the fact that they seem to have the sensitivity of bricks, just tell them you have covid, feel dreadful and wouldn't of
dream of infecting them all.

Separate bill please for the dinner..,as not eating much/dietary restrictions don't leave much option and your bill is significantly cheaper..Or not eat and eat at home before going out ...and ask for seperate bill or bar tab just for your drinks so you can tally up units/ costs.
.

These are old friends so in other words friends you have had for a long time and you can’t just be honest with them? Are you sure the friendship hasn’t fizzled out?

Good for you. £80 not including drinks is not a cheap night out for me!

Why say you’d go in the first place? £40-50 for a meal out and drinks is pretty standard and you knew from the start when it was in relation to Xmas. Whatever you say now doesn’t make you look great and saying you are ill people probably suspect you are lying whatever anyone says. People like this are very annoying, just say no in the first place.
You should either go or you should be honest and say that you have now changed your mind and decided it’s too expensive especially with everyone splitting the bill, they’ll probably say for you to pay for yourself only and then you should do that rather than let people down at the last minute, how would you feel if it was your birthday?

And you’ve never let them forget it?

Jeeeez

Just message the group on the day and say you’ve got a migraine and it won’t shift or there is loads of cold bugs going around. I’m sure they’ll understand if they are close friends. Mine would

One of my friends pleaded sick pet at a 40th birthday get together. We've never really let them forget it and in 6 years since I don't think we've seen them but we've not dropped each other entirely.
Eeeshk 'you can't sit with us' mean girling still going on?!

Agree - everyone understands this, and if it was your birthday you'd prefer it if your friend opted for this rather than dropping out.

In what world is 40 not a big birthday? Most nights out are extortionate these days, £50 is nothing if a half decent meal is involved.

OP tell the truth! Too many people drop out of things now, it’s just rude and lying makes it worse. You could absolutely tell them you are driving, so not drinking, and only want to pay for what you have - that is not unreasonable and given the price of everything these days hardly surprising. If you don’t want to go you should have declined in the first place.

@MrsB74 £50 is not "nothing" if you're on a low income 🙄
40 really isn't amazingly special. What can you do at 40 that you can't do at 39?
18 is special because that's adulthood.
50 cos it's half a century.
100 it's a pretty special one.
40 is just.......40 😂

@Needmorelego

it is a big birthday. Hth.

@LuckySantangelo35 why?
What can you do at 40 that you can't do at 39?
Yes it's a "0" number but it's not really a big life changing one.
(HTH 😁)

@Needmorelego

its not about that what you can do when turning 40. It’s the end of your thirties, end of that decade. So yeah why not celebrate?! 🍾

@LuckySantangelo35 people on MN don't seem to consider any of the milestone birthdays a thing. Apparently it's just another day. Weird because if you go in any card shops, all of the gifts are for 30/40/50... not 39 or 47 but apparently this doesn't exist in the MN bubble!

@rocketgal ok yes it is a milestone of sorts but only to the birthday person really. Not to the friend who can't afford a meal out to celebrate. I did do special things on my 30th and 40th - but they were for me and I wouldn't have expected a friend to financially suffer to celebrate it .

@Needmorelego I wouldn't want a friend to put themselves out of pocket but everyone came up with ways of cutting the costs right back to the OP and it didn't seem like she was interested. Milestones are normally events you want to share with close friends and the people who matter to you. I think maybe the birthday girl considered the OP to be a better friend than what she did. Personally I think where there's a will there's a way. I wouldn't miss a close friends special birthday as it's a privilege to be invited and shows that the birthday girl considers you to be an important person in their life. If it came to it, I'd eat beforehand and drive and not drink but judging by most of the comments on here most people can't be bothered and would just say they're ill. Then you have daily threads from people saying I don't have any friends, how do I make friends as an adult. You get out what you put in. I always show up for friends even when I really don't feel like it but the flip side is people show up for me. I'm sure all these people saying just say you're ill are the people who will be crying on here that everyone's dropped out of their event or let them down and they can't understand why.

@rocketgal If the birthday girl really thought the OP was so important to her and wanted her there that badly she should have made sure the venue and event was affordable for everyone.
The OPs said is this is a group of old friends she's had for years but not ones she's especially close with - so it's not like she's missing the event of the year anyway.

@Needmorelego I don't think a half hour drive is too difficult for the OP but obviously you disagree and as I said, there are ways of making it more affordable. The OP said she is more strapped for cash than her friends would know so it's not like they know she's struggling and have picked to go somewhere mega pricey. The OP said she's looking at £40-£50 for the meal which is what you'd pay in any high street chain so it's not like she's picked a Michelin star restaurant!

@rocketgal yes but £50 is still too much if you simply haven't got a spare £50.

@Needmorelego agree but you could join after dinner and not really spend anything at all. As I said there are ways around it if you wanted to be there and I don't think the OP did. Like you said maybe they're not that close. Assume she'll return the favour and wouldn't invite them to any of her occasions