To make up an excuse to not go? Also... can you help with the excuse please?

[Rebeccaa1996]

I have agreed to go to an event Sunday with a group of old friends. It's a meal and drinks to celebrate a big birthday. I've now seen the menus online and it's going to be bit pricey and I think a shared bill with everyone ordering carefree whatever they like. I'm a bit tighter for cash than the rest of the group would know and I know the venue isn't negotiable and don't want to have to single myself out by asking to pay individually for items. Über will be at least £30 and the dinner split will be I think £40-50.

Would it be really terrible and mean to not go? I like the group but the idea of £80 spent on a night out feels like a lot of money which honestly I could do with for Christmas.

And if I do, what's the best way to excuse myself without looking like I don't care about the birthday friend?

Can you not just leave early and go up to the bar and pay for what you had before you do?

If it’s only twenty miles I would drive.

20 miles isn't far to drive. Its also an excellent reason for not drinking

Also, you can say no when someone suggests splitting the bill… just say oh I’m just going to pay for what I had because I only had a main and one drink.

Feel funny after a flu jab - just remember you can only use this once a year.

@Needmorelego OP has said it would be £40-£50 for the meal, where can you go that's much cheaper than that? And it's a half hour drive so it's not that far. Totally get that with an Uber and drinks it adds up and starts getting costly but not drinking and driving keeps the cost down

A horrible tooth ache that you can't get seen until next week

It's only 20 miles, the initial impression OP gave was that this was the other side of the country.

Drive and then you can't drink alcohol, and just pay for your own food. Don't be a twat and make up an obviously transparent excuse about being ill or whatever at the last minute.

If you still decide not to go, be honest about it. Any decent friend will understand you saying "sorry, but money is a bit tight so I can't come".

If, however, someone I knew bailed on a plan and lied about it, that would be what would piss me off more than anything else.

I think you will be expected to cover some of the Birthday Girl's share.

Drive, don't drink alcohol (antibiotics, making you feel sick, can't eat much), maybe just order a starter and dessert, ask to pay for your own, stick an extra £10 or £15 in for BG's share.

Can you "draw your belt in" elsewhere? Knock a fiver off the food shop for a few weeks, use cashback websites, flog some stuff on Vinted/Ebay etc. Only you know how hard up this is going to leave you.

If it is a small group of old friends then I am sure no-one will care if you go light on food/drinks and just pay for what you have ordered rather than splitting the bill

They are far more likely to be upset or annoyed at someone backing out of plans last minute with a flaky excuse IMHO

I don’t know why people can’t tell the truth. You don’t need an ‘excuse’, just say you hadn’t realised how expensive it would be and you can’t afford it. Nothing to be ashamed of in this day and age. Still send a card and maybe pay for a bottle of wine. You’ll look gracious and can enjoy a virtuous night in your pjs knowing that you haven’t lied.

Picture the scene in 40 years time.....
The friendship group is now all old ladies and meets at the funeral of one.
Several are surprised to see the OP - "Oh we haven't seen you for 40 years. You were always dropping out of our get togethers".
The OP replies "Oh you were always picking expensive places and I couldn't afford that".
The group looks sad...."Oh OP - why didn't you tell us 40 years ago? We could have gone to a cheaper place. We just wanted to see you".

Be honest 🙂

Suggest " No Thanks, I can't afford it"

@rocketgal plenty of places. I'm not going to list them for you.

We just got an email from school to say hand, foot and mouth is doing the rounds at the moment. Maybe you'll catch it.

Yes, I would do this if I was in this situation. If i could afford it, I’d take a gift a few days later eg bottle of Prosecco.

The other alternative is to drive, not drink, and pay your own way - but that can be awkward. The worst is just to say you can no longer go. That looks rude to me - like you’re not prioritising it.

honestly I prefer to just pay for a friend and actually get to see them, than not see them at all

If they're your friends then just tell the truth. You want to but will be driving. That immediately saves you £60-80 and makes the dinner more doable.

Someone did that at my friend's Hen meal (Michelin starred restaurant), which was fine in principle.

But people were a bit pissed off after she left that she hadn't contributed to the friend's share or the tip as it made everyone elses contribution go up. If she'd have left some cash on the table towards it then that would have went down much better. So if you did this OP just remember to leave some cash with the organiser before you leave.

if it's a big group it won't be so bad not going as plenty of people still will. If money is tight, I wouldn't spend that either. Covid is still doing the rounds...

I’m sorry but that says more about your friends then the person that left.

@Needmorelego no need, hopefully they're within a five mile radius of where you live too

You are very thoughtful and genuine OP and I can totally understand that you can't justify this amount of money just b4 xmas. Given your thoughtfulness, I think it would be best if you told them u can't make it this time and leave it at that

Hello @Rebeccaa1996,

There is a big and nasty cold/flu type bug going round right now ... I have just had it, my best friend just had it as did her husband and the kids too ... and we were all meant to go out together to celebrate a big birthday at the w/e ... sadly we had to cancel as we were all too ill!

It lasted a good two weeks too ... you know what to do OP ... just don't go and do not give yourself the stress of it all.

It is OK to say no OP.

x

Making people think you are going and then lying about it is way ruder than just being honest. People aren't daft, it's obvious when people do this.