To make up an excuse to not go? Also... can you help with the excuse please?

[Rebeccaa1996]

I have agreed to go to an event Sunday with a group of old friends. It's a meal and drinks to celebrate a big birthday. I've now seen the menus online and it's going to be bit pricey and I think a shared bill with everyone ordering carefree whatever they like. I'm a bit tighter for cash than the rest of the group would know and I know the venue isn't negotiable and don't want to have to single myself out by asking to pay individually for items. Über will be at least £30 and the dinner split will be I think £40-50.

Would it be really terrible and mean to not go? I like the group but the idea of £80 spent on a night out feels like a lot of money which honestly I could do with for Christmas.

And if I do, what's the best way to excuse myself without looking like I don't care about the birthday friend?

Wow. Just wow. This thread has made me really grateful for my friends and made me think perhaps I'm really lucky with my friendship group if people are like this!

I'm with you @rocketgal I'm watching this thread with a kind of morbid fascination - can't believe how some people treat their friends, and think that it's totally fine to do so!

OP, I'd like to think that I'd have the balls to send a message to the group saying that you will be paying sperately, as you'll be driving and not drinking, and you are mindful of costs at this time of year. Because I firmly believe split bills are indefensible. Unless everyone is careful to keep things relatively equal (and some people understandably don't want to be curtailed when they go out) they usually benefit some people at the expense of others. Those who benefit are, at best, thoughtless (because you just never know other people's financial circumstances), and at worst CFs. And those who suffer are cowed into not speaking up through embarrassment and not wanting to make a fuss.

But while I would think all this, in reality I'd make up an excuse and think "sod it".

You could drive and not drink and mention that you will only be paying for what you have. I can't believe I'm seeing this again. We are in the middle of an economic crisis and Christmas is around the corner and there's still the expectation that everyone chips into meals and drinks. I've been caught out like this as a younger woman but never again!

If they force it this is unreasonable and you say you can't make it.

You're apologising here though

Ask for your food/drink to be calculated on a separate bill.

Then you'll find out which ones are real friends

@DaniMontyRae you obviously live in a very different world to me because there's no way I could afford £50 on a meal out and I'm not on the "breadline" - just an ordinary modest family income.
This is all down to what's more important to the friend celebrating her birthday - some food or friendship.

@rocketgal the OP has already tried to decline though and says it was “made difficult.” If this had been accepted she wouldn’t have had to ask on here for excuses. I’d hate to put my friends under pressure to attend an event they didn’t want to or couldn’t afford.

Drive to the event. Pay for your own food. Speak to organiser in advance to let them know you'll be needing to do this

It's really shabby to sign up for an event and then feign illness on the day. To those of you recommending it - shame on you and think how you'd feel if it happened to you

Yeh I agree. Whatever you do @Rebeccaa1996 please tell the truth. You owe your friends that at least. I would either:
Go and eat minimally, drink soft drinks and drive
Or
Cancel NOW, saying I'm really sorry, but it's just going to cost too much for me right before Christmas. Hope you have a lovely time.

Cannot believe all these people saying lie and say you have some lurgy etc. Most of these excuses would be last minute surely which is even worse than cancelling now.

And I'd hate my friends to lie about having a medical procedure to get out of something. That's not ok

I only said it was a long way in response to the poster who said I should walk it to save costs

I also don't like split bills because I feel like I've got to look around and order based on what everyone else is.

If some people don't have starters, some go for cheaper options with their meals etc. I would hate to be someone who benefits from their more frugal choices so I'm more likely to choose something along those lines rather than opting for something that's a treat.

To be honest, I'd rather be suspected of feigning illness than have the stress of being pushed to pay more than I can afford for a bunch of friends I'm not that close to.

OP, you obviously don't want to go and clearly cannot afford to. So don't go. The sun will still rise and set the next day. It's not as big of a deal as being made out by the majority here. People do actually catch viruses, get called into work or have family emergencies etc. People who can't understand this, and always assume others are lying, don't deserve this much angst.

Just contact a couple of days before and tell them you have caught something nasty, don't want to spread it to the group and don't want to steal focus from the birthday girl by looking so obviously unwell.

in case you missed the thread from a few weeks ago, here is the perspective from the other side. Read the OPs post and responses from those who have been that person being let down, and decide if you are prepared to do that to some you call a friend https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5186792-people-dropping-out-of-my-40th-on-sat-should-i-cancel

I agree; lots of people are a bit short just before Christmas.
These are presumably close friends who want your company, are you really going to lie and let them down?

It upsets the birthday person!!

If they are close friends I'd say I need to save money but would like to meet again soon.

The £40-50 is without drinks.
Cocktails are £10 each, w

I don't understand what the big deal is.

She is your friend is she not?

Just tell her money is a bit tight for you at the minute so tell her you will be just paying for yourself, with it being close to Christmas.

A true friend would understand and help minimise your embarrassment too. I'd just tell everyone, if I were that friend, to just pay for yourselves.

People can be really weird about money and I don't tend to personally quibble over a few pounds and my friends know this.

However, if I am a bit skint, I will make it known beforehand so that everyone is aware (who needs to know) and that I will be paying for myself. I have never had anyone be funny with me or be nasty. Probably because I have good friends!

If the issue is that you can't afford the night out then don't go and offer to do something a bit cheaper and separate with her. Just be honest.

Easy then - don’t drink , and use your own car.

People who assume people are lying... as you're telling the OP to lie 🤔

God don’t lie and give a pathetic excuse. Just be honest. If it were me I’d just say I’m trying to keep to a budget so will be getting a separate bill.

one of my friends always does this. Nobody cares. She pays her bit then we split the rest. Rather that than not see her!

All these people saying they would tell bare-face lies!
To their friends!!
It gives me the absolute RAGE.😡
Why are people so selfish and dishonest.

Just say you can't afford it, money is tight, so you will only have a main and won't split the bill.
They would much rather you came and had a split bill than not come at all - which really spoils the event if numbers are already low.

If someone dropped out of a planned event due to last-minute illness or other issue, I would mentally flag them as flaky and not to be trusted (as it is not possible to know if they were lying).
If they did it a second time they would be cut out of my life.
I can't stand liars and flakes.

I think if you could send something like this, i’d do that:

“Hi all, can’t wait for the weekend, so looking forward to catching up with everyone. I just wanted to say up front that i’m a bit skint at the moment, so i’m going to drive and not drink rather than get an Uber in order to still be able to be there and celebrate our gorgeous Doris - it’s no big deal, just letting you know in advance so it’s not a thing on the night. See you soon! xx”