To make up an excuse to not go? Also... can you help with the excuse please?

[Rebeccaa1996]

I have agreed to go to an event Sunday with a group of old friends. It's a meal and drinks to celebrate a big birthday. I've now seen the menus online and it's going to be bit pricey and I think a shared bill with everyone ordering carefree whatever they like. I'm a bit tighter for cash than the rest of the group would know and I know the venue isn't negotiable and don't want to have to single myself out by asking to pay individually for items. Über will be at least £30 and the dinner split will be I think £40-50.

Would it be really terrible and mean to not go? I like the group but the idea of £80 spent on a night out feels like a lot of money which honestly I could do with for Christmas.

And if I do, what's the best way to excuse myself without looking like I don't care about the birthday friend?

I was thinking this.
Remember the Friends episode where the poorer 3 were asked to contribute to the full cost of an expensive meal, including covering the birthday person's costs (Ross 🤔)

I wouldn't go at all to be honest.

I would say:
"Ah really sorry guys, unfortunately i'm not going to be able to make this after all 😔Love to the birthday girl, Hope you all have a fabulous time and catch up with you all in the new year"

I would drop a repeat similar note to the birthday girl on her birthday aswell, wishing her well.

@rocketgal yes plenty of eating places near where I live that I could get a meal for under £20.
I live in London by the way.

I’m really shocked at how many people would agree to go, then fake an illness at the last moment, I think that’s disgusting behaviour.

I've had this before OP and I put a message like " I can't wait for this but heads up- I'm skint at the mo so I'd like to just pay for my own and I'll only have something little- don't need anyone to help me out- I'll still love being with you all"
Turns out, loads of people said they were relieved and also had wanted to broach the subject but didn't know how to!

Send a nice message maybe along the lines:

So sorry I won't be able to join you this time, but sure you'll have a great evening. Look forward to the pics!

It’s an invite, not a summons - you won’t enjoy yourself for worrying about costs, so just say that - as you’d originally told them - you won’t be able to go.

Why?
Doesn't upset anyone (as long as its beleiveable) and might actually protect some peoples feelings
I don't do it because I rarely agree to things I don't want to do but in some cases it is the best option if you don't want to get into your finances or give other personal information.

Absolutely this. Just be honest. Why would you lie/feign illness/ not show up without a reason to a close friend on a big birthday? I'm glad some of the PPs are not my friend!

Just be truthful, u had no idea of the cost and it’s out of yr budget.

This is what could have been said when the invites went out, not to close friends as an excuse a few days before the dinner.

Splitting the bill makes it tricky, as you aren't going to be able to stick to a budget. If others are drinking, and add on the birthday person's food/ drink (as its sometimes custom to not let people pay on their big day), it can add up.

I've been in this position, and if you've been told about the event long in advance, and they've made it difficult to say no.... they might get upset about you not saving in advance. (Sounds petty but I know some people who would get upset if I told them I couldn't afford it)

I would either say you're ill on the day, or just say sorry I can't make it. Neither is ideal, and some would disagree, but thats me .

I really feel for you OP.

I have a friend with more money than me who is regularly asking to go out, do a spa day, dropping hints about the theatre. We went out recently for her birthday and the bill was over £80 each. We had a lovely time, but I thought I’d been sensible when I’d budgeted £50. I’m now paying for it for the rest of the month and it’s really put me off doing it again.

The problem is it’s difficult to explain without making other people feel bad, and sometimes they will blame you for making them feel bad.

I think the advice to drive and make sure you at least buy a drink for the birthday friend is good. But you will need to stick to it and not get guilted into anything and make sure you have fun and don’t let your worries about the situation put a damper on anything.

maybe ask the organiser in advance if they’re planning to do anything for the birthday friend, like cover her bill, so you can make sure you feel like you can contribute fairly.

I would just make an excuse for not joining the dinner but go and join in for the drinks part - you can then participate a lot more cheaply and still celebrate the birthday friend.

It's only 20 miles away and the OP drives - that's hardly awkward - and £40-£50 for a meal and drink out is not that expensive, either. Given the OP says that would be splitting the cost, it seems the OP could do it even cheaper, perhaps just main meal and soft drink.

Where should the birthday girl have celebrated? Because if £40 is deemed expensive that basically leaves nando's or the harvester. Not exactly what many people want for a big birthday.

Just tell the truth. I've got other financial priorities right now, I should have told you sooner. But didn't know how.

@DaniMontyRae £40-50 is VERY expensive for many many people.
If I wanted to celebrate with friends that badly I'd arrange a get together at McDonald's if that's all we could afford.
It's all very well saying that's what she "wants" to celebrate a big birthday - but most people have to choose what they can actually afford.

I would be upfront and honest but keep it short. I'd say that cash is tight and so ill need to pay for my own items to keep my cost down, rather than splitting the bill.
When the bill comes, you pay for yours and everyone splits the balance. Even if they chose to buy the birthday person an expensive drink you've been clear that you're paying for what you've ordered.

There should be no awkwardness as it's all been made clear upfront and there's no shame in saying cash is tight. It's an expensive time of year and there has been huge cost of living increases. Many more people are feeling it than ever before.

I'd post a message on the group chat saying "Hi - unfortunately I won't be able to make the meal for X on Saturday after all. Have lots of fun and I'll probably end up catching up with you all over the Christmas and festive period. So sorry about this. All the best @Rebeccaa1996 "

If they keep hassling you, reply with "I've already said that I can't make it. I'd rather not have to explain as it's for personal reasons. Please do have a lovely time though and I can't wait to see photos on instagram about it"

Anyone who might keep hassling you about it I'd say "Look, I've been polite in saying that I can't go. I don't understand why you can't just leave it now as it's getting embarrassing for you to keep asking. It's really none of your business at this point so let's drop it"

Or something like that. I wouldn't make up an excuse, just be vague in the reason you give. It's none of their business when it comes to your finances.

I’m really uncomfortable with this. If I received this I’d assume the “friend” was just uninterested and I’d probably be hurt.

You have access to a car, it's only 20 miles so if I valued the friendship, I'd drive there, not drink (well maybe 1 to celebrate), not eat, and say that you need to keep costs down but still want to wish birthday girl a happy birthday. I'd at least provide that option to the birthday girl and see what they say. I would be really upset if I thought a friend didn't come because I'd chosen somewhere they couldn't afford. I'd rather they still came and I had their company. Though I would just insist on paying for them, as an IOU (if they're resistant) to be reciprocated at a later date.

Are you 100% certain the bill will be evenly split? My friend had a birthday celebration in a very expensive steak house. I had fish, as I don't eat red meat, and I also had no dessert so my friends reduced my portion of the bill without me asking.

Is this honestly how you'd treat a close friend @LookItsMeAgain? I find that really sad tbh and I'd hate it if I had a close friend who acted like that toward me right before a big birthday celebration.

If cancelling I’d do it now rather than on the day. Just in case others drop out at last minute and there’s a few empty chairs at the table which will be worse.

Maybe you’ve just had a last minute phone call offering you a long-awaited day procedure as someone else has cancelled? You’ll be too groggy from the sedation. Or if you want to wait till the day of the dinner, you’ve just had an emergency house problem & the plumber is on the way/running late.

If you feel guilty (I wouldn’t), could you contact the venue and leave money behind the bar for a fancy cocktail for birthday person? I know you mentioned money issues but it’s still cheaper than attending.

It's the cost of 3 courses plus drink in a chain restaurant. I don't think it's "VERY expensive for many many people", it's expensive for those on the breadline. And like the OP said, that's the estimated cost if she split the bill, which suggests she can do it much cheaper. She could also cover the cost of the meal by driving rather than getting an uber. So it sounds like the friend has chosen something people can afford.

I think if you’re presence would be appreciated message organiser, explain you’re on a budget so you’d like to come but youlk be driving and not drinking and just pay for your share. I really think most people would be fine with this. I’ve dined out many times in mixed groups with people who I’d assume are quite affluent and there is normally at least one or two who do this (ie don’t drink, ask for seperate bill) and it’s fine and I don’t give it a second thought.