To make up an excuse to not go? Also... can you help with the excuse please?

[Rebeccaa1996]

I have agreed to go to an event Sunday with a group of old friends. It's a meal and drinks to celebrate a big birthday. I've now seen the menus online and it's going to be bit pricey and I think a shared bill with everyone ordering carefree whatever they like. I'm a bit tighter for cash than the rest of the group would know and I know the venue isn't negotiable and don't want to have to single myself out by asking to pay individually for items. Über will be at least £30 and the dinner split will be I think £40-50.

Would it be really terrible and mean to not go? I like the group but the idea of £80 spent on a night out feels like a lot of money which honestly I could do with for Christmas.

And if I do, what's the best way to excuse myself without looking like I don't care about the birthday friend?

They are old friends but not terribly close friends these days. With my close friends we would just go somewhere less costly. It's a 40th birthday celebration and the organiser had pride in organising something special so I don't want to hurt the feelings of both the birthday and the organiser.

I don't think it's nice to drop out when you have agreed to go
What if everyone did that and the birthday girl was left all alone
Ask for a separate bill ,others might be glad to do that too
And maybe next time suggest a cheaper option fr

from the beginning

Agree with this. I bet there will be others who would be glad to pay separately (I would!).

I'd just message the group and say you're looking forward to seeing everyone but money is a bit tight, so you will drive / not drink / just have a main and get your own separate bill, and you hope that's OK. If they say no then drop out. But to not go at this stage, to something that you could have checked up front, is a bit shit

The event was arranged as a save the date. Details of venue which is expensive to eat/drink and expensive to get to was confirmed much later. I did initially try to decline but it was made difficult to do.

Surely saying 'sorry I can no longer attend' is an apology? That's what sorry means.

It a 'unique' location which is hard to get public transport to. I could drive it, it's a long way.

Couldn't you start out early and walk? 😃

You should go unless it would cause you hardship, which it doesn't sound like it will. You must know how shit it feels when friends cancel on you, especially for a special occasion.

If it's a small group and you've agreed it's a bit shitty to drop out completely. I'd drive, say you've had a bit of a dodgy stomach so only want plain food and just order some breads or a bowl of triple cooked chips if it's a posh one. And water.

It's 20 miles away

I think you should go OP and drive so then you can keep costs down. I know you said it's a long way but it's a special birthday so will mean a lot to the friend. I'm sure they'd rather have you there not drinking than not at all. How would you feel if it was the other way round?

This is think. You might find others are relieved to. It would be a shame to miss out.

If I wanted to go but can't afford bill splitting and taxis etc I would just tell the organiser the only way you can come is if you just pay for what you have.

Or would splitting food and drink bills help? Then you can drive and drink soft drinks.

If not, just say you can't make it but I think it's a shame you will miss out completely and your friends might miss you too.

That's no excuse!

I think you should just be honest and say you're struggling a bit financially and just can't do it so close to Christmas. I'd rather send her a card and a gift and not go, than pay all that and worry about the cost.

I think this may be the right approach

Say you are ill. Explosive diarrhea or the flu 😷 🤧

Prewarn your friend that money is tight and you want to pay just for what you eat and drink. A good friend would be fine about that.

Just text at the end of the week saying you are ill and can't attend. No point going if you'll be worried about money

They are old friends you don't see often, just say you're poorly and have to cancel but hope they have a lovely time.

It's really not a big deal. If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. Don't skint yourself for it, isn't worth it.

So you found out it was expensive and far away. Said I'm sorry I can't do this. Then were told you had to? I'm confused. I think you should have been firm in your decline.

I still think lying and late drop out is shady. I'm still not sure why you can't drive, not drink and have a cheaper option for food. You must have had some budget in mind.

Not turning up to a 40th birthday us a signal the friendship is over. If you want to end the friendship then you're going the right way.

One of my friends pleaded sick pet at a 40th birthday get together. We've never really let them forget it and in 6 years since I don't think we've seen them but we've not dropped each other entirely.

If these were friends that wanted to see you that badly they would organise something cheaper.
The fact the organiser has arranged an expensive and awkward to get to place means you can't go. Tell her that.
We need more honesty in the world than this pretending you're ill nonsense.

Can you drive there at all? That way you don't have to pay for any drinks and that'd cut the costs significantly!

My worry would be the special cocktail champagne bought for birthday girl, who of.course can't pay for her own bill so that's to be paid towards too!