To make up an excuse to not go? Also... can you help with the excuse please?

[Rebeccaa1996]

I have agreed to go to an event Sunday with a group of old friends. It's a meal and drinks to celebrate a big birthday. I've now seen the menus online and it's going to be bit pricey and I think a shared bill with everyone ordering carefree whatever they like. I'm a bit tighter for cash than the rest of the group would know and I know the venue isn't negotiable and don't want to have to single myself out by asking to pay individually for items. Über will be at least £30 and the dinner split will be I think £40-50.

Would it be really terrible and mean to not go? I like the group but the idea of £80 spent on a night out feels like a lot of money which honestly I could do with for Christmas.

And if I do, what's the best way to excuse myself without looking like I don't care about the birthday friend?

Do you have children? Say your babysitter is running late so you will join them for drinks after the meal.

I hadn't thought of that.

What made it difficult to say no OP?

If you already tried to turn it down, a while ago, your friends won't believe any excuse you make now. They'll be pretty sure/totally sure that you are lying. If you're happy to lose your friends, then sure, call off.

But, as others have said, you can still go, but cut costs. You can tell them you can't drink because you are or have been on Antibiotics (metronidazole is the best one to pick as it really, really can make you ill if you drink while on it AND that includes for up to 2-3 days after you finish the course). So stick to water or fruit juice. Tap Water with ice is nearly always free, wherever you go and it is my go to for choice if I'm not drinking!!

Which means you can drive there and back, which will cost you far less than an Uber. Then just tell them that the antibiotics have upset your stomach a little, so you are going to be careful about what you eat. Then just pay for what you had - although if the Birthday girl is getting her meal paid for, you might need to pay your share for her?

Just drive and don’t drink. Go late and just have a coke.
(I don’t know how you thought it was ever going up cost less than £50 anyway, especially if you were drinking. 😄)

Go and have a good time!! All the best and well done for not getting tied up in knots and getting in debt for other people. Good luck.

I hate the lies to get out of something. Half truths maybe, but outright "I've fallen off my high heels" is awful. If you really don't want to go, tell her now that you're really sorry but you can't afford it, and offer to buy her coffee soon instead.

But I would do as a PP suggested and go to the bar and pay your own bill while everyone is having their pudding/coffee, and say you're skint but wanted to come anyway.

This, see also being on call for teenagers.

Just drive and pay for yourself. No-one will mind

""sorry I can no longer attend. Have a good time". Don't apologise, either!"

😂

Just drive there and let them know in advance that you want a separate bill. I think that's fine. Tell them before you go so that you don't come across as a party pooper - present it as, 'I really want to come and see you all, I just don't have a spare hundred/two hundred quid right now so forgive me, I'm going to drive and just ask for my own bill rather than joining in with the cocktails, hope you don't think I'm a party pooper, see you on Saturday'. They will feel disappointed when they get the message, but will have got over it by the time the day arrives - and you don't need to carry on stressing about it.

@Rebeccaa1996 I hate bill splitting, it is so unfair. I stopped going to works nights out because of it. At one night out (I was working, so wasn’t there thankfully), the person organising it had a three course meal, with wine and then a liqueur coffee. The cost of hers alone would have been nearly £60. My friend went and just had a (cheap) main course and a glass of coke, as money was tight for her.

Friend was gutted, when she found out the bill was being evenly split by everyone attending and she had to fork out £50, instead of the £18 hers cost. She was too embarrassed to say she wanted to pay hers separately, so just paid up. When she told me she about it I was horrified for her and we both decided we would never go out with colleagues again, unless it was a paid upfront meal.

I feel a nasty sick bug coming on!!

It really isn't.

It is if you don't want to tell the truth

It's the friend's 40th birthday so clearly she's picked somewhere she likes, it's not about wanting to see the OP on this occasion, it's a meet up to celebrate the friend's special birthday! And it's 20 miles away, she's hardly being asked to go to the ends of the earth

Not longer driving than in an Uber though surely?

You say the venue was confirmed much later. Before today though right?

Don't go if you don't want to, but it's definitely rude to pull out at this stage.

Please don’t lie
Every time someone lies about illness to her out of something it makes it less believable when someone actually does fall ill.

if you want to go, drive yourself, 29 miles isn’t that bad. And make it clear money is tight and you will be paying for what you consume.

if you don’t actually want to go, don’t
but dont make things up
just a simple ‘Sorry, my circumstances have changed and I can no longer attend, have a great time’

Honesty is always best

And if you say you're not drinking to keep costs down then your friend is hardly going to start ordering champagne to your tab

@rocketgal if I wanted my friends to celebrate with me I would choose somewhere everyone can get to and afford.

Definitely don't risk splitting the bill, if they are drinking it could easily be way more than you estimate.
Depends on your relationship with them, could you message to say sth like menu looks amazing, really looking forward to it, you're not drinking before Christmas so is it OK to do separate bills? Of course you'll by BD person a drinking etc etc....
I mean, I loath that kind of confrontation so would absolutely make an excuse ans stay home to avoid it. But I think the first option is the more adult way of handling it 🤣

If you have already tried to decline and now make up a last minute excuse then it’s going to be very obvious to everyone that you are lying to avoid going I think. I think dropping out last minute when someone else has gone to the trouble of arranging this for a special celebration is poor form. £70/80 for a nice meal, drink and taxis I wouldn’t be shocked at tbh and if you do as others said and drove instead of drinking it would easily be half that.

If moneys tight and you drive why would you even consider an Uber? 🫤

Drive, order something cheap and drink tap water. I’d rather do that than let a friend down on her 40th at short notice, especially in a small group, it’s a really shitty thing to do.

This total PITA but probably best solution .

Did you have any say in negotiating where you are going? If you did then its really flaky to pull out now.

Be upfront that the shared cost won't work for you.

Don't leave your excuses or decision until last minute either. Let people know in advance.

old friends but not close.....save the blooming date I HATE those......it was made difficult for you to decline.....expensive venue not announced till much nearer the date......I mean how much do you want to stay in touch with these dipsticks?

Yeh I would drive to start with - 40 miles there and back will cost a lot less that £30. I don't see why it being 20 miles means it's too far to drive but not too far for an Uber?

Then I would say you want a separate bill - and just have a soft drink (bc driving) and a main course. It's fine. I would message the organiser now to flag that tho. It's really crappy if ppl drop out on a few days' notice.