Would I be unreasonable to ask people to leave by a certain time on Christmas Day?

[Threetrees745]

Just that really? We are hosting both sets of grandparents and youngest in the house isn't even a year old yet.
I just think by the evening I'll be really tired after a morning of excitement with the kids then cooking and hosting.

Last time we hosted, our parents didn't leave until nearly midnight and it was very much a party atmosphere with lots of alcohol and music on loud after dinner. My social battery definitely doesn't last as long as my husband's and while I enjoyed it, I was glad when they finally left.

I just feel that I would like a more calm, child centric Christmas this year since we have a baby so I was thinking of asking people if they could book taxis home shortly after dinner. I think my parents would be OK with this and I can be honest with them but my in laws are they type to take offence, especially my MIL as she will take it that she isn't wanted at all.

So am I unreasonable to give everyone a "home time"?

Did you invite your friends by saying "Hey do you want to come over for dinner on Friday night? From 8pm to 11pm?"

I bet you didn't, because no, it definitely is not the norm, outside of children's parties. You mention that your friends "knew not to stay all night" and yes, that is exactly how it works. And within a family on Christmas day, it is normal for the day to go on late (if you are lucky enough to have a sociable family).

In this case there is a problem drinker, so managing an earlier evening seems wise though.

Ofc YANBU, but it sounds like your in-laws are likely to take offence. That’s out of your hands though OP, all you can do is let them know the plan ahead of time (with your DH delivering the message).

We just set our stall out from the off for the day I “host” over Christmas. I say one of us will come and pick you up around 12, then we’re thinking taxis for 6ish and we can all settle in for the evening.

I have to put the control elements in for various reasons, one of which is booze related, but it’s never taken badly. And when they’re here, I really do try to make sure they have the best time.

Christmas Day itself, we have with just us and DC. I’d never let a family member be on their own, but as long as it’s an option to have a quieter day without drama or people drinking too much and impacting others, that’s what we’ll do.

well you seem determined to infer something negative and nasty in a kind gesture so not really sure what to say

I would have much preferred to have to have spent the day alone reading a book or watching Christmas films than spend it somewhere when as soon as dinner was over the hosts wanted me gone.

I think you have a perfect opportunity to introduce a change this year. Invite people but tell them that this year you only do dinner and they can only stay until say 6pm as it’s LO bath and bedtimes. Say it with a smile and don’t explain much.
Plan everything with DH including amount of alcohol. On the day have dinner, chat/ fun and then start tidying up. Your parents are your secret weapon here. They should signal the end by their behavior to show in laws an example.
I’m a huge advocate of every one dealing with their side of the family but in this case it might be better coming from you, I don’t know your DH, mine could be a bit thoughtless delivering this message so I would do it myself ( to make sure that the message is delivered correctly 😉)

This sort of comment makes my blood boil. Of course the OP can talk to her in laws, they're her guests as much as her husbands.

Absolutely not unreasonable to have a quiet house by kids bedtime around 7/8pm. Hosting Christmas dinner in the early afternoon does NOT mean you're obliged to host a loud-music heavy-drinking party into the wee small hours!

I’m surprised by some of the comments here.

Part of being a good guest is knowing when to leave. And some people are not good guests. The host to needs to politely set expectations.

I’d either call everyone or set up a whatapp group and say or send a message along the following lines.
We are really looking forward to Baby’s first Christmas but wanted to give you advanced warning that things will be a little bit different this year because of Baby. The plan so far is arrival and presents at X and we will eat at Y. Baby needs to start their bedtime routine at Z so I’d suggest you book taxis or plan to leave about quarter to Z so they can say goodbye and start to wind down.

Having one set of parents onboard will help get the other set of parents in line and out the door too.

Personally, I like the old fashioned way of writing on invitations
carriages at 11 o’clock
But I can’t remember the last time I had a written invitation, much less one with that written on it.

And don’t tell them you want to have Baileys and see a film with DH. That won’t go down well! Say it’s baby’s bedtime but then do what you want…

Mumsnet is full of threads about people getting stressed,hurt upset etc by other people because of assumptions. The lack of clear communication is mind blowing. Relying on other people to "realise" what has changed rather than communicating what has change up front is nuts.

OP is perfectly reasonable to not want a repeat of last year. I'm just saying she and her dh should have agreed what they do want at the time they issued invitations to their home for Christmas Day.

Yanbu at all, I’m surprised anyone would think you are being unreasonable. Having a new baby is the perfect time to change Xmas arrangement and if you don’t do it this year it will never change. I would also really need that unwind time in the evening so I totally get where you’re coming from. its going to be exhausting doing Xmas morning with the kids and then making all the food with a baby in tow and keeping everyone entertained- I would definitely want a chilled evening after it all.

id invite them for dinner about 1-6 ish maybe so you can then get baby bathed and in bed and have a nice chill. I’d just message and say sometime like ‘can’t wait to see you all for Xmas lunch. Obviously things are a little bit different this year now we’ve got Baby so we’d love to see you any time from 1pm with lunch at 2.30pm. Baby will need to wind down for bed about 6 (and us probably!) so we’ll have an earlier finish time this year so we can sort baby out and chill with DS in the evening. Looking forward to a lovely afternoon with you all. See you soon’

they have no right to be annoyed. You’ve got 2 kids and you’re the ones hosting and making Xmas dinner- they should be grateful!

We invited them for dinner and scheduled it at 6:30 with a mention of an early morning the next day when we asked if they could make it that early. They understood that meant dinner, not drinking all night. When we invited family for Easter we called and said “Would you like to join us for dinner and an egg hunt on Easter? Auntie Carol is driving down that morning so we were thinking of people coming over from noon to 6ish.”

There are a lot of ways to directly and indirectly frame an invitation to set expectations. Since this is a change from prior years (reasonably so with a new baby) OP will likely need to be more direct.

Not everyone wants an up all night drinking to loud music Christmas to be their norm even if that’s what your family likes. But if OP’s family members want to have an open-ended drink all night Christmas they could always choose to host one.

YABU.
You can leave them to party or just put your feet up and chill with them.
The days after Christmas are for quiet time. Maybe let someone else host, then you can leave early, though your husband may not come with you.

Expecting me to leave straight after dinner was a bit mean especially when they hadn’t let me know in advance. It was so blatantly obvious they didn’t want me there. I hadn’t expected to be there until 10pm but as soon as dinner was over they wanted me gone. If they wanted time as a family maybe they shouldn’t have invited an outsider. I agree with a PP it was only a pity invite.

Surely any self-respecting adult would realise that the dynamic is going to be different this year with children in the house?
just tell them you’re happy to host but will be wrapping it up around the older child’s bedtime as there’ll be no lie ins for you in the morning.

Not everyone wants an up all night drinking to loud music Christmas to be their norm even if that’s what your family likes. But if OP’s family members want to have an open-ended drink all night Christmas they could always choose to host one

yep- exactly, especially with a baby. If they love drinking into the early hours nothing is stopping them from hosting such a party is there? in fact, if their main aim is to get drunk then it makes more sense for them to host it because then they dont have to worry about travelling home

Maybe I'm old fashioned but I think it's inappropriate for a husband and wife to leave an event seperately.

I wouldn't send that. It looks like you're telling them to arrived between 12-6. Not that they need to leave by 6.

Of course you’re not unreasonable. Just because some people like to have Christmas Day descend into a rowdy piss-up doesn’t mean you have to. I do agree though that you let them know asap, and if they decide the late night boozing is more important to them than spending the day with their new grandchild then that’s their choice.

I think I’d go with “Really looking forward to having you all her at Christmas. Obviously now we’ve got little baby ThreeTrees we’ll be winding down a bit earlier than usual. Can you book your taxis for 7:30 so we’ve got some hope of getting them to bed. Thanks!”

Edit: Frozensnow got there before me. And is obviously very wise.

This, we invite friends over for Christmas Day every year. They will ask what time to show up from, but we'd never tell them to leave. They can stay over if they like, since they'll often be coming Boxing Day anyway. And they only live a few streets away!

That would make me feel horrible, it's not like you were hanging around until bedtime. That's an invite that made themselves feel good about themselves but didn't care about how you'd feel. Like you should be grateful for a scrap of their time, not that they enjoy your company and want to spend time with you.

I don’t think you are being mean. We are having Christmas at one of our Children’s houses. We are staying in a hotel. We will not arrive too early and we will be probably be well gone by 8 o’clock to give our child and spouse some time alone after our grandchildren are in bed.

I seem to be in the minority here but my experience of Christmas Day is that any visitors leave early evening, no later than 7-7.30. Once you have children, you get up early for presents, cook a big meal, serve drinks and snacks and by early evening you've had enough. Evening drinks parties are for days when you have not been on the go all day cooking a big meal and hosting.

Separate to this issue I think this is a wild perspective- my partner and I would never go anywhere together if the expectation was that we both had to leave the event at the exact same time all the time!

Sometimes one of you really wants to tie one on while the other is tired, or someone has work in the morning and the other doesn't etc. Seems daft for one person to miss out on what they want to be doing because the other wants to leave, or for one person to be hating their evening because the other wants to stay. How do you decide whose opinion wins?!

That seems like a
very reasonable time frame