To be upset by sister’s attitude

[Remotenut]

my husband and I have 1 son who it took a good while to conceive, we knew we wanted 2 close in age and given how long it took to conceive our son we started trying when he was 9 months old and 6 months later I got pregnant. Im due 10 weeks before my sisters wedding who I’m bridesmaid for

my sister is a major bridezilla (think got a quote for outsourced cutlery because she wasn’t fussed on the cutlery at the reception which is a 5 star hotel so I doubt the cutlery is bad but that’s the level we are talking)

over the last few days she’s been asking me what my plan is with the baby and how I basically need to be at her beck and call over the wedding, including the night before. I said the baby will still be feeding during the night so I need to be at home to feed her. She went mad and asked could I not just leave the baby with my husbands family for a few nights. I explained the baby will only be 10 weeks old, my husbands family all have their own kids and the wedding is 2.5 hours away and I wouldn’t be comfortable being that far away from the baby when she’s so small.

last night it came up again that she’s having her hen a few days before I’m due to go have my section and my brother jokingly said oh what if Remotenut’s waters break at your hen. She turned and said remotenut’s life wouldn’t be worth living if she did that. I said that’s really not in my control (my son was 3 weeks early) and she said well you knew when this wedding was.

i understand it’s her day and she’s obviously wanting it to be all about her and that’s fine but I feel I couldn’t put my life on hold for 1 day (she asked me would I not just wait until her wedding was over to start trying for another baby)

I think I’m just going to say that I’ll go to the wedding but my husband will stay at home with the children. I don’t want that but I honestly don’t know what to do. AIBU to be upset by her attitude?

She's a nightmare.

Bring your child, there's no way I'd leave a 10 week old.

Honestly, I'd stand down as bridesmaid. Too much stress, worrying about what to wear, will it fit, can I feed wearing this dress

I think it's too early to say whether your husband will stay at home with the baby. You don't really know how feeding and routine will go. I'd try to keep it as flexible as possible for your own sake. Your sister is being massively unreasonable. How did your brother respond when she said your life wouldn't be worth living? My siblings would call out this stuff to each other to help gain some perspective.

She has previously said my husband and children have to sit at the back of the church as she doesn’t want any distractions from her

she’s well within her right to have a no kids wedding but if that’s the case we would go for the day and go home that night but she’s not happy with that apparently I’m not taking my bridesmaid duties seriously by being there for the whole experience

It sounds like she's picked you as a bridesmaid for no other reason than you are sisters. Can you pull back from these duties?

We just skirted changed the conversation because she gets so angry and usually walks out in a huff at things like this

Don't leave your baby.

I'm always a voice for it's fine to leave your baby for a few days go and have fun on here but a 10 week old baby? 10 weeks after a c section? No.

Yes, it's her day but you also have a life and she's not asking for one day is she?

Most people would understand your circumstances had changed and plan their expectations accordingly.

I wouldn't normally suggest this either but I don't think you need the stress right now so could your mum or someone have a word with her?

I'd stand down as bridesmaid too, tbh.

If she wants that much from a bridesmaid, you need to tell her you can't fulfil the expectations and stand down.

She’ll accuse me of making it all about me. I swear the day we went wedding dress shopping my son was sick and I had to bring him to the out of hours doctor before we left. My husband said we would take 2 cars to the doctors so I could go shopping after because we knew I’d never hear the end of it if I didn’t go. So I went and was wearing jeans and a cream jumper and a massive scarf….she went mental when I arrived because I was wearing cream on her wedding dress shopping day and wouldn’t let me take my coat off the whole time we were there

Step back from being a bridesmaid altogether, go as a guest. Stay for the ceremony (honestly, I'd get husband to wait nearby and not bother bringing them in, if your 2yo makes a fuss she'll never let you forget it) then go home.
You will have a newborn, no rational person would expect you to leave it for that long, and there is no point pandering to irrational people.

Just pull out from being a bridesmaid if that’s her expectation. It’s utterly unreasonable.

You can’t leave a 10 week old baby who is breastfed (if that’s what you are planning) at home a few hours away. That’s madness and a form of abuse for both of you.

Zero idea why you are pandering to this shit.

Dsis is expecting too much. You'll have a tiny baby so you're just not available. It's obvious if you're feeding the baby yourself, you're NOT available to run round after her. Could she not have timed the wedding so it didn't clash with your needs? Apart from which you'll have a toddler to look after!

Let her storm off, what's the worst she will do?

Someone needs to tell her to grow up and that the world and other people's lives don't revolve around her wedding.

my family is very co dependent. I would love to not be bridesmaid but she was mine and she wants me as bridesmaid (per her conditions) honestly it would cause hell and I would get the blame from everyone if I pulled out. I would be accused of making it all about it.

my mum is afraid to said boo. She can’t handle confrontation and keeps saying it’ll all be fine.

Stay for the ceremony (honestly, I'd get husband to wait nearby and not bother bringing them in, if your 2yo makes a fuss she'll never let you forget it) then go home

And this. If either your 2yo or 10 week old make a sound she will go on for years, don’t let that happen. Stick your phone on silent but vibrate, sit at the back and if you need to nip out to feed then that’s life.

Let her accuse you, she's making your life hellish anyway. As a family you all need to stop pandering to her.

Your sister sounds horrid. Does she have other bridesmaids? Or friends? This can’t all be on you. New babies trump weddings - so by and large there will often be a dynamic where one sibling has their wedding day first and then can’t prioritise the sibling’s wedding day because babies. It’s the way things go. But from the sounds of it your sister is used to getting her own way and thinks she should be first and centre anyway. Perhaps not this time.

out of interest, what was she like at your wedding? Did she help or was that all about her too?

Omg, I would tell her that you wouldn’t want to risk your pregnancy or your kids being a distraction, so you’re making the call to stay home and wash your hair instead.

Why are you entertaining any of this nonsense? You wore a cream jumper to go shopping with her and that's some kind of crime?
I'd have turned straight round and left her to it. She sounds completely insane TBH.

You are raising your own family now; they come first. You are not children anymore, pandering to one another's whims and behaviors.

Tbh, you're partly at fault for going along with the unreasonable demands.

I'd have taken my coat off. What's she going to do? Kick off and make a fool of herself in front of everyone?

Honestly, you have children to consider now. It's time to start standing up to her.

Thank you so much. I got married last year and I remember saying I’m sure there’s people who’ll wake up on the day of my wedding and think ffs I couldn’t be bothered going to this today and that’s normal in my opinion. Yes the day meant everything to me but I honestly didn’t expect anyone else to feel like that. I let the bridesmaid pick their own dresses in whatever they were comfortable in and we honestly had the best day because it was so chilled. Tbh I just couldn’t wait to be married to my husband

Stand down as a bridesmaid, it's not worth the stress. If you do it now, there's enough time for emotions to heal before the wedding. She's going to have unrealistic expectations of you and honestly you are not going to be able to fulfil them. If your baby starts crying during the ceremony where you are supposed to be standing with other bridesmaids, you will inevitably be noticed leaving to tend to your little one and that will become ammunition against you. Bridesmaids also help the bride get ready and spend the morning with the bridal party and it will be noticed if you skip out early in the evening too. For your own sake, and for your sister who despite being a bridezilla, is entitled to have her wedding how she wants, I would step down ASAP.