To be upset by sister’s attitude

[Remotenut]

my husband and I have 1 son who it took a good while to conceive, we knew we wanted 2 close in age and given how long it took to conceive our son we started trying when he was 9 months old and 6 months later I got pregnant. Im due 10 weeks before my sisters wedding who I’m bridesmaid for

my sister is a major bridezilla (think got a quote for outsourced cutlery because she wasn’t fussed on the cutlery at the reception which is a 5 star hotel so I doubt the cutlery is bad but that’s the level we are talking)

over the last few days she’s been asking me what my plan is with the baby and how I basically need to be at her beck and call over the wedding, including the night before. I said the baby will still be feeding during the night so I need to be at home to feed her. She went mad and asked could I not just leave the baby with my husbands family for a few nights. I explained the baby will only be 10 weeks old, my husbands family all have their own kids and the wedding is 2.5 hours away and I wouldn’t be comfortable being that far away from the baby when she’s so small.

last night it came up again that she’s having her hen a few days before I’m due to go have my section and my brother jokingly said oh what if Remotenut’s waters break at your hen. She turned and said remotenut’s life wouldn’t be worth living if she did that. I said that’s really not in my control (my son was 3 weeks early) and she said well you knew when this wedding was.

i understand it’s her day and she’s obviously wanting it to be all about her and that’s fine but I feel I couldn’t put my life on hold for 1 day (she asked me would I not just wait until her wedding was over to start trying for another baby)

I think I’m just going to say that I’ll go to the wedding but my husband will stay at home with the children. I don’t want that but I honestly don’t know what to do. AIBU to be upset by her attitude?

So what if it causes hell? It's a proxy wedding , not the coronation. Id drop out of being a brides maid and tell her cop on to herself.

I know it will be hard but this is an ideal time for you to break the ties of co dependency. Your entire family sounds hard work and probably dysfunctional.

You have your own family now and you get to choose how you live. If you don’t, not only will your family continue to behave as they do and treat you badly but at some point they will treat your children the same way.

Tell your sister you don’t like how she’s behaving, that you accept it’s her choice to be that way but likewise it’s your choice to want no part of it and that you’re not going to be bridesmaid.

If that causes a major family drama that’s on them, but more importantly exactly the reason you need to pull out because your family doesn’t need to be coerced by people like them. If they drop you then you’ll know what is important to them and that’s not you and your baby

If she accuses you of making it all about yourself, you say "no, I'm making it all about the needs of my 10 week old baby". She sounds awful. But everyone going along with her highly unreasonable behaviour also needs to take some responsibility. You've essentially created a monster who feels she's justified to behave in this horrible way because no one ever challenges her.

The problem is, OP, that you're still engaging with this nonsense.

I understand how it has got to this point if everyone has always pandered to her. But this will never change.

But you can bet your ass that once she has a baby, everything will revolve around them too. She won't suddenly 'get it'.

This is going to impact everything in your lives.

You won't be able to go on holiday around her due date in case her baby is born.

Her life, her family, her children will always take priority over yours if you don't make a stand on this now.

Don't let your mum shut it down because that's not realistic. You are going to have a 10 week old baby. It won't just be ok. You won't be able to just leave the childen with your husband.

Don't choose to be a martyr to it all just say, "I've thought about this and it's clearly not going to work. There are no realistic, workable, practical solutions that meet everyone's needs so I'm stepping down from being bridesmaid so you can carry on planning it without me."

Let them rant and strop. The dust will either settle.or it won't; things will either improve or they won't. But you need to step off this merry-go-round.

Only because you let it happen.

Start standing up for yourself. Your sister has no problem standing up for herself does she?

@Remotenut

Your parents have allowed her to behave like this from childhood.

I have an older sibling exactly the same and at 51 she STILL has people running round in circles for her to their detriment.

You need to put your foot down

Stop feeding the monster and I'd have a word with your parents and tell them they've created a brat of an adult

I'm so much better now that I stepped back and don't have many dealings with them

Honestly just because she's your sister doesn't mean you have to facilitate her shitty behaviour.

You wouldn't let a non family member treat you like it so don't let her

I'd call your mum out in front of her, tbh.

When your husband is there so your mum can't (or will feel less able to) deny it.

Your mum is the cause of this absolute shit show by pandering to it her whole life and insisting everyone does the same.

Please put yourself & your baby first.
Do what you realistically can on the day & no more.
I'd have gone mad over the jumper incident!
If you don't stand up for yourself then you're in for a lifetime of this & rest assured that if your sister becomes pregnant you'll all be expected to treat her like a princess & expect nothing from her. How you've been treated will be conveniently forgotten or completely denied.
Please stick up for yourself, she sounds awful. Your family will just have to deal with it.
You are not the cause of the problem.

I too would step down from being a bridesmaid.
I also think leaving the baby with your dh is a good idea.
I’m surprised she wants you as a bridesmaid, not to be awful, but with you being pregnant.

OP, just seen your update.

I am so sorry.

The thing is, your family will never put your real needs first. They are weak cowards who will go along with the flow. The funeral, and now your Mum, enabling your sister, who is actually being controlling and emotionally abusive.

You don’t need to ‘call her out’. Just say you are stepping down as the needs of a heavily pregnant and post-partum mum are incompatible with the job of bridesmaid. And with the needs of a tiny baby . Tell her you don’t want to let her down so she can appoint someone who will be more available, and you are not able to let your baby down by compromising their needs to make your sisters day as perfect as she wants it.

And then just stick to your decision.

Grey rock any further discussion.

Tell your Mum you are deadly serious about this so she needs to calm your sister down and re-assure your sister that this is the best tack.

As pp have said: this is the moment you put you and your baby first and don’t continue your family’s emotional flaws by allowing the vulnerable to be trampled on.

PLEASE show her this thread so she can see how unreasonable she is! She sounds absolutely spoilt rotten and out of touch. You and your Mum sound lovely but you are doing her no favours by ignoring her terrible behaviour, she needs a reality check.

She's not going to be happy no matter what you do. So you need to cater to your needs and those of your tiny baby.
Your sister has wants , your baby has needs . Those needs vs wants are mutually exclusive.

Your sister will expect you to let your little baby down, and will never thank you for it and will complain anyway that you didn't do enough.

So take a step now, announce you're stepping down from bridesmaid role and enjoy your pregnancy and newborn time. Otherwise you'll be stressed from now until the wedding.

So what if she's annoyed. She's a grown adult.

Stand down as bridesmaid. Are your toddler and baby banned from the wedding? If so then I wouldn't attend.

Meh. Honestly it sounds like she's batcrap crazy snd you are going to fall out with her sometime any way, might as well be before the wedding as after!
You don't need to engage with histrionics, just calmly say that you've realised you won't he able to fulfil the bridesmaid role as she needs, too bad, so sad, but you'd love to come as a regular guest so will see her on the day.
And don't engage or answer if she has a shit fit. Stay calm and removed

Go for the day in whatever way you csn manage (baby nearby, pop out to feed and don't staynlong)

Just know that you are doing your best.
Look after your little family.
Be there for the bridesmaid duties in the church and for photos. Your sister will not notice you not being there for any other minute.

If you are one of only two bridesmaids consider whether to ask your sister to choose someone to take your place.

If there are three or more bridesmaids, let the others do the lions share of the jobs. It's okay to miss the hen's do or only go for an hour or so..

Do what you can comfortably manage. Get dressed up and go together with your husband and kids.

"If you don't stand up for yourself then you're in for a lifetime of this & rest assured that if your sister becomes pregnant you'll all be expected to treat her like a princess & expect nothing from her. How you've been treated will be conveniently forgotten or completely denied."

This is what I fear. Given how outlandishly selfish she is being over this wedding, one can only imagine how it will be when she's the only woman to have ever had a baby...while the way she treated you will be swept away as nothing.

Breastfeeding is the ‘trumps all’ argument.

There is no way that I would have compromised bf for a wedding.

My baby wouldn’t take a bottle, but I wouldn’t have broken the bf to leave my baby ‘for a few days’.

And even if you are not planning to bf by 10 weeks, they don’t know that …

Honestly, as soon as you got pg it would have been better to resign as bridesmaid.

Just say you are , with regret, resigning so that she can appoint someone who can better meet her needs.

I'm not usually so black and white with responses OP but I think the only solution is to stand up to dsis and step down as bridesmaid. If you don't then you'll be pandering to this shit your whole life whilst trying to also juggle 2 small children. If she strops then let her strop. If the rest of your family strops then let them. They're grownass adults and so are you. You all need to get a grip and stop letting this silly little princess rule the roost. Your little family is your priority now and they need you to make the decision that's right for them.

She sounds Pycho & is risking souring her relationship with you ( & possibly others) for the sake of her “right” to be demanding on her wedding day.

I would go low contact immediately after the wedding. And not pander to her excessively before it. Be polite to her but also do what’s best for you and your family.

I’m also on the side saying step away from any kind of “role” for the wedding.

If you need a “valid” reason why that might reduce the reaction from your family, then you could say that you have had advice from your midwife/doctor/health visitor that it’s going to be incompatible with your health and recovery to be that involved in everything.

Stepping down as bridesmaid is definitely the best thing to do - and also for you. It will show you and your whole family that no-one has to keep on putting themselves out for others who treat them badly. And if they turn on you - then they never did care about you.

When you are older, I promise you that you will look back on this time in your life and wonder why you put up with being treated so badly. Life is too short to spend it dancing to an arsehole's tune.

Honestly? She sounds mentally unwell. And you’re a family of wet lettuces.

Like how any of you can take her seriously after the cream jumper incident is insane to me. I’d have literally laughed at my sister for that one.

Did you get support from your immediate family when this happened? If not, I would definitely pull back from them all. Your sister's demands on her pregnant sister are ridiculous and verging on abusive. What happens if you decide to breast feed? You would have to take your baby to the wedding in that case. Don

Then she'll complain that she's making it all about the baby 🤣
Never mind the wedding, I'd be going low/no contact full stop!