To be upset by sister’s attitude

[Remotenut]

my husband and I have 1 son who it took a good while to conceive, we knew we wanted 2 close in age and given how long it took to conceive our son we started trying when he was 9 months old and 6 months later I got pregnant. Im due 10 weeks before my sisters wedding who I’m bridesmaid for

my sister is a major bridezilla (think got a quote for outsourced cutlery because she wasn’t fussed on the cutlery at the reception which is a 5 star hotel so I doubt the cutlery is bad but that’s the level we are talking)

over the last few days she’s been asking me what my plan is with the baby and how I basically need to be at her beck and call over the wedding, including the night before. I said the baby will still be feeding during the night so I need to be at home to feed her. She went mad and asked could I not just leave the baby with my husbands family for a few nights. I explained the baby will only be 10 weeks old, my husbands family all have their own kids and the wedding is 2.5 hours away and I wouldn’t be comfortable being that far away from the baby when she’s so small.

last night it came up again that she’s having her hen a few days before I’m due to go have my section and my brother jokingly said oh what if Remotenut’s waters break at your hen. She turned and said remotenut’s life wouldn’t be worth living if she did that. I said that’s really not in my control (my son was 3 weeks early) and she said well you knew when this wedding was.

i understand it’s her day and she’s obviously wanting it to be all about her and that’s fine but I feel I couldn’t put my life on hold for 1 day (she asked me would I not just wait until her wedding was over to start trying for another baby)

I think I’m just going to say that I’ll go to the wedding but my husband will stay at home with the children. I don’t want that but I honestly don’t know what to do. AIBU to be upset by her attitude?

She can’t handle confrontation and keeps saying it’ll all be fine

It won’t be fine though. Thats the reality. Under the batshit conditions she has imposed, it won’t be fine. The only way it will be fine is if you pretend you don’t have a 10 week old baby that depends on/needs you, and you ignore it for the day, which is ……… weird. Best just face it head on now rather than sticking your head in the sand.

Tell her you don't want to distract from her day so are stepping down as you don't want it to become about your baby. Same with the hen do

I don't think choosing the bridesmaid dress colour is ott though so make sure you're being pissed off at the right things

She’s nuts about this wedding. As I said my family are very co dependent and a ‘make it look like everything is fine’ kind of family so she’s got away with it for years to the point where it’s like ah sure that’s just the way she is. My mum is dreading the wedding and will say that privately to me but wouldn’t date say it to her and would deny ever saying it. I’ve stood upto her before and I was the bad guy. My family is very very like that.

Honestly the only reason why people are able to behave like this is because so many people pander to them.

Personally I’d pull out of the wedding. So what if you get the blame. Does it matter? And I’d tell everyone why you did it. Bridezillas like this deserve to have their wedding day ruined. Maybe then they’ll grow the fuck up.

Your sister sounds insane and highly narcissistic. Isnt there anyone else who can help fight your corner on this? Parents perhaps? The thought of everyone acting like thos is normal and ok sounds crazy.

She is delivering such unreasonable ultimatums, she is giving you no choice but to either stand down or piss her off continually by keeping your boundaries.That is what id sau if i were you. Give her the choice.

tbh if you ended up going into labour at an inopportune time, at least you'd have a great excuse to escape all her demanding bs!!

She can’t handle confrontation and keeps saying it’ll all be fine

Neither can you, OP. I would have put a stop to it at the cream jumper incident if not before. So she will accuse you of making the wedding about you, so what? The world isn't going to end. Show a good example to your kids by learning how to set boundaries.

Just stand down as bridesmaid, it can never work. And attend as guest however you can make it work.

I'm the same.

I'm getting married ina couple of years. We haven't started planning yet but have discussed it and all of our discussions have been about how we can make it a good experience for everyone who attends precisely so that no one wakes up on the day dreading it!

my mum is afraid to said boo. She can’t handle confrontation and keeps saying it’ll all be fine

I'd start being a bit troublesome at this point. It sounds like your sister has been pandered to her whole life and won't even have considered the impact on other people because its all about her.

I'd ask my mum exactly how she thinks it's going to be fine. And what's that going to look like, Mum? And how's that going to work, Mum?

Don't get drawn into arguments. Just state clearly and calmly what you'll be doing.

Honestly, no one else is going to care whether you're a bridesmaid or not and most people wil think it makes sense to stand down. It's a no brainer really if you can't meet.the expectations anymore.

You need to break the cycle OP. I suspect that no matter how this plays out if you go ahead as bridesmaid you will 'get it wrong'. You can't win so stop playing the game. Just say you can't be bridesmaid or if you are it's on a second bridesmaid/standby basis do you are just there for the day if you can. Then turn your phone off and refuse to engage on the subject. Who is advocating for you here? You will have a tiny baby and will just be getting over a section...it's not reasonable for you to have to be at the beck and call of a demanding bride.

Sounds as though your whole family go along with your sister as the repercussions of saying no are awful, but it seems to me that you might as well take the flak as even if you say yes to everything she will still find a way to punish you..

To be fair I’m going through another thing with my extended family where I stopped talking to a few family members because they went to my abusers funeral and remained friends with him after he abused me and I’ve been called out as the one who’s breaking up the family for speaking out (this is my extended family by the way not my mum, dad etc)

sorry edited to say that I’m highlighting this to show speaking up is considered the worst thing in my family

So what. Honestly if you’re not prepared to speak out then you deserve all you get.

My god! My ds was 10 DAYS old at my sisters wedding in the pics in the church he’s always being held by someone else, it’s like where’s wally with the baby. The only wobbly bit was when she grabbed him for a cuddle before she had the pics taken and I was paranoid he’d puke or poo on her. It was the first time most of the family met him and I only stayed till the meal and had spend 1/2 the time in a side room with him. But all of that didn’t steal thunder from the bride - how could it.

if you can’t not go, I would harness the hormones and triedness of a new born and eye roll your way through any tantrums. Do what you need to do and give her pitying looks when she behaves like a toddler.

Honestly I have tried this. My mum keeps saying just put it out of your head it’ll all be fine. And whenever it comes up my mum will be making hand gestures to me in the background to just cut the conversation - even though my sister brings it up. I think after this wedding I’m just taking a massive step back.

I have spoke out and I get shut down every time

Realistically you are not going to be able to fulfill your bridesmaid duties, in the manner she requires. You'd have had a C-section, so recovering and also a 10 week old baby. Your sister is coming across as an entitled, spoilt woman, who believes she's the only important person in the world. I hope her groom, is prepared, because he's going to need to be!!! A hen do, well that may be something you can go too. The wedding itself, take your husband/children and leave them somewhere in the hotel close by. You can nip out to feed your youngest, when required. Your sister, presumably has no children, so has no clue how hard this will be for you. I agree with others, the rest of the family are enabling her behaviour by not calling her out. You need to stand up for yourself.

Agree with others on this one - you will get it 'wrong' in your sister's eyes whatever you do. You could also: have the baby early and baby has health issues, have C section complications, have feeding issues, have mastitis etc. Not wanting to be pessimistic but there's a significant chance it will be impossible for you to attend regardless! Or you could as a family conveniently have a 'vomiting bug' the day before and tragically have to stay home and miss the whole debacle.

I think I’m just going to say that I’ll go to the wedding but my husband will stay at home with the children. I don’t want that but I honestly don’t know what to do

If you don't want to, don't. From your post it sounds like you want to breastfeed? That is a perfectly valid reason to not leave a baby.

I'd be pulling out as bridesmaid because it's not possible for you to be at her beck and call the night before. (Even if you hadn't just had a baby, who insists on someone being at their "beck and call" 🙄).

Don’t go to the wedding. Or do you care more about your batshit family than yourself and your DH/kids?

You do realise that your children are going to be part of this shitshow growing up? Do you want them to get to a point where they start siding with your family over you? Start telling you not to rock the boat? Not wanting to do anything because of who it might upset? Because this is the example you’re setting for them.

If you keep pandering like this you’re going to end up like the kind of mother you have. Is this what you aspire to?

Personally I’d just go low contact with the lot of them, starting with pulling out of the wedding. So what if it ruins her wedding. Big deal. It’s just a day.

she went mental when I arrived because I was wearing cream on her wedding dress shopping day

and wouldn’t let me take my coat off the whole time we were there

Oh my god, why has no one told her to get a fucking grip of herself. Why didn't you just laugh at what was surely a joke and take your coat off??

I'd be standing down as a bridesmaid and backing far far far away from anything to do with the organisation of this wedding.

I've no idea why people pander to this shit.

Then stop. Walk away from the lot of them.

Honestly, this will get worse.

I would say to her that the concerns she has raised have made you realise that you simply cannot guarantee that you will be able to undertake the bridesmaid job in the way that it needs to be done, and you are worried about any additional unforeseen circumstances, so to be fair to her, you need to step down as bridesmaid.

It’s just too much.

Tell her you will still be breastfeeding, that you won’t be able to do dress fittings or know what size you will be, will be post op C section so not able to do loads.

You are expecting your dearly loved second baby. The newborn stage will be ruined for you if you are presumed to be at the beck and call if your sister. Don’t do that to yourself. And don’t do it to your baby either. Sorry: no way would I contemplate leaving a newborn, under 3 months ‘for a few days’ to pander to a bridezilla.

She is holding a big party. You are bringing a new human into the world, with responsibility for a tiny baby. Get some perspective!

And your Mum is your Mum, too. She should stick up for you equally.

Pull out - life’s too short.

Just WAIT until she has a child! OMG.

Poor you. She is being really awful and with no one willing to back you up, it's a frustrating and lonely place to be.

I'd like to think she will look back on her wedding behaviour in the future and cringe...but tbh she sounds like such an arsehole I doubt it.

You’re all right. She’s a nasty person when it comes to the wedding and I’m going to put my foot down when I see her next. Thanks for some outside perspective. She should’ve been called out ages ago but my husband has even seen it first hand where my mum in private will say to me that’s she’s being unreasonable and then when we’re both there she’ll say we’re both as bad as each other. I’m just afraid of not being able to see my own shortcomings. Thanks for all the replies really needed some perspective.