To be upset by sister’s attitude

[Remotenut]

my husband and I have 1 son who it took a good while to conceive, we knew we wanted 2 close in age and given how long it took to conceive our son we started trying when he was 9 months old and 6 months later I got pregnant. Im due 10 weeks before my sisters wedding who I’m bridesmaid for

my sister is a major bridezilla (think got a quote for outsourced cutlery because she wasn’t fussed on the cutlery at the reception which is a 5 star hotel so I doubt the cutlery is bad but that’s the level we are talking)

over the last few days she’s been asking me what my plan is with the baby and how I basically need to be at her beck and call over the wedding, including the night before. I said the baby will still be feeding during the night so I need to be at home to feed her. She went mad and asked could I not just leave the baby with my husbands family for a few nights. I explained the baby will only be 10 weeks old, my husbands family all have their own kids and the wedding is 2.5 hours away and I wouldn’t be comfortable being that far away from the baby when she’s so small.

last night it came up again that she’s having her hen a few days before I’m due to go have my section and my brother jokingly said oh what if Remotenut’s waters break at your hen. She turned and said remotenut’s life wouldn’t be worth living if she did that. I said that’s really not in my control (my son was 3 weeks early) and she said well you knew when this wedding was.

i understand it’s her day and she’s obviously wanting it to be all about her and that’s fine but I feel I couldn’t put my life on hold for 1 day (she asked me would I not just wait until her wedding was over to start trying for another baby)

I think I’m just going to say that I’ll go to the wedding but my husband will stay at home with the children. I don’t want that but I honestly don’t know what to do. AIBU to be upset by her attitude?

I personally wouldn't even go. There is nothing you can do that she'll be happy with. Even if you follow her every demands and whims to the letter, she will always find something to berate you about. It isn't even worth trying at this point. You owe it to yourself, your kids and your own little family to do what's right for you, not for her. I know you're scared of the confrontation with your sis, your mom and family, but it's time to grab the bull by the horns and face all that, I'm afraid. You will fell so confident and proud of yourself for doing so!

Is she like this with every aspect of her life or just the wedding? Because she sounds a little cuckoo bananas. Match her energy when she has children. In the meantime, I'd tactfully stand down and set some boundaries about what you can and can't do.

Are you the only bridesmaid? Does she have a m-o-h?
Tell her you cannot live up to her expectations and she needs to replace you with a close friend (if she has any!!) as you are concerned that her day should be as perfect as she would like it.
Step down, she's being unreasonable. Go, sit up the back and, if you feel like it, leave early. She'll be so wrapped up in herself she won't notice.

Stick two fingers up and tell her to get lost. She sounds like a proper narcissist, Hyacinthe Bucket style, and you may even be better off with her out of your life depending on what she is like during normal everyday interactions. Unfortunately some people are incredibly selfish and have never learnt the concept of boundaries.

I wouldn't even go and if she had any issue about it would cut her off entirely

I think as a wife and mother of 2 children, it's about time to stand up to your sister.

Asking you to put off trying to conceive because of her wedding is just beyond selfish. Everyone who knows your sister will know why you stood down as bridesmaid.

What about if you don't fit into the bridesmaid dress so soon after the baby. Will she expect you to go to a 2 week boot camp to fit the brIdesmaid dress. (We wouldn't want one of her bridesmaids looking a bit chubby in the photos would we?).

This is not so much about her being a bridzilla, more about being a spoilt, self-obsessed woman, who your family needs to stop pandering to.

Tell her to go jump your own family comes first

This is completely mental and she needs help! And you need to be such a soft touch and stop letting her get away with it.
She sounds absolutely awful and sister or not you need to step back.

You know that is a nonsense. Stepping back from being a bridesmaid is far from making it all about you. On the contrary, it's making it not about you.

Your sister is an adult albeit she doesn't behave as one. Your children's needs come first. You're their mother: prioritise them. Your family of origin certainly won't, so it has to be you.

Echoing previous comments, stand down as Bridesmaid stating it's clearly not practical now that you have responsibilities to your baby and child, and it's better she finds an alternative bridesmaid now rather than nearer the time (good luck to her with that - sounds like she's a nightmare!).

She will probably have a stroppy meltdown, like you implied, but better to get it out of the way now so she has time to get over it (or not) and you can relax in the run up to the wedding as a guest with no major duties to her, good luck!

After this you may need a counsellor, OP, to help you assert your needs in the face of your family.

Please put your baby and you first.

How is it that there is this supposed 'culture of putting up and shutting up' in your family but your sister gets to terrorise everyone? Is she not a member of the same family?!

Time to start putting your foot down, OP. If people don't like it, that's their problem. They're clearly capable of putting up with a tonne of crap from others!

This prioritise your children not your sister

Congratulations on your impending birth, OP. I would not withdraw as a bridesmaid as you will never hear the end of it and it will be twisted by the mad family members.
I would write a message (in writing is important here) I would say that you love her to bits. That you are looking forward to her special day. That you wish her and her DP every happiness. I’d say you know she will be a beautiful and amazing bride. That nothing will diminish the attention on her on the day. She will be in the spotlight from dawn till dusk and that is as it’s should be. I’d say it is an honour to be chosen as her bridesmaid and you will discharge your duties to her to the best of your abilities.
BUT you will be ten weeks postpartum with a baby whose very life depends on your care and attention and who will be breastfed. As she knows, this will limit you from being 100% available every moment of the wedding. You are confident you can make it work but if she has any doubts or concerns or if she feels her day will be spoiled because you can’t dance attention on her 24/7, she should let you know now and you will gladly stand down if SHE ASKS YOU TO.
If you don’t hear from her, you will assume she understands your situation and you will continue as outlined above. But you will not put up with any sniping or criticism of you and/or your DC in the run up to the wedding or on the day itself. Tell her you are drawing a line under past criticism of you but you will not tolerate any more histrionics. If she doesn’t abide by this, withdraw. Show this message to your immediate family. If she breaches your boundaries and complains when you step down, just send her a copy of the message. If anyone in the family criticises you in relation to this, send them a copy of the message. Your sister is jealous of you and she is terrorising your mother. What is your DF doing about this? Good luck for the birth. Don’t let this nonsense overshadow it.

I haven't got children and even I can see that your sisters request is unreasonable!!😯

Not being unreasonable. It took us over 5 years to conceive our daughter, so we also started trying again when she was 9 months old. I totally understand where you're coming from

I wouldn’t go in these circumstances. She’s being utterly ridiculous.

This. Absolutely this. I have a sister much the same. I eventually realised whatever I did was wrong. Always wrong. So I backed off. Haven’t seen her in years, don’t miss her at all… but god is it way more peaceful! If I were you @Remotenut id back out of the wedding. Yes she’ll create merry hell… but she’s doing that anyway, right?

So she’s a narcissist. You need to step down as bridesmaid but (for the sake of bloody peace - she sounds like a nightmare btw) you will need to position this as the best thing for her and her wedding. ie, “I’m really worried that with everything I have going on right now I’ll get in the way of your special day. I think I need to step down as your bridesmaid otherwise my family commitments are just going to stress you out. This day should be about you after all!” Cue sweet smile.

I know from experience if you make this about you (though you have every right to) she will kick up a HUGE fuss and everything will be harder/noisier/take longer. Feed her narcissism and do it for your own sanity.

I waited a couple of months before getting pregnant as I didn't want to miss or be heavily pregnant at my sisters wedding. I was her maid of honour. It's your life and you need to live it your way

10 weeks after a c section and with a small baby - you simply physically wont be up to the whole day as a bridesmaid unless you heal superfast! I'm glad to see you standing down, its definitely the right thing to do.

That's awful, controlling behaviour. Honestly? I'd duck out of the whole thing! Ditch being a bridesmaid and then have a sickness bug on the day and don't go! Yes she'll hate you, but honestly, she's not treating you like family. I can just picture a whole future for you where she calls the shots. When she has kids will she put them in you at a moment's notice and guilt you into things? Put firm boundaries in place now.

Let her walk off in a huff! She's being an utter twat. Your baby is more important.

Sorry if this is hurtful and you haven't realised this already, but she clearly does not want you at the wedding. She has invited you because you're family and she knows she is 'supposed to'. But absolutely nobody treats a guest they want with them on their wedding day like that. She's doing everything she can to stop you from going without actually disinviting you and being the bad guy. I would take heed and cancel your RSVP.