To be upset by sister’s attitude

[Remotenut]

my husband and I have 1 son who it took a good while to conceive, we knew we wanted 2 close in age and given how long it took to conceive our son we started trying when he was 9 months old and 6 months later I got pregnant. Im due 10 weeks before my sisters wedding who I’m bridesmaid for

my sister is a major bridezilla (think got a quote for outsourced cutlery because she wasn’t fussed on the cutlery at the reception which is a 5 star hotel so I doubt the cutlery is bad but that’s the level we are talking)

over the last few days she’s been asking me what my plan is with the baby and how I basically need to be at her beck and call over the wedding, including the night before. I said the baby will still be feeding during the night so I need to be at home to feed her. She went mad and asked could I not just leave the baby with my husbands family for a few nights. I explained the baby will only be 10 weeks old, my husbands family all have their own kids and the wedding is 2.5 hours away and I wouldn’t be comfortable being that far away from the baby when she’s so small.

last night it came up again that she’s having her hen a few days before I’m due to go have my section and my brother jokingly said oh what if Remotenut’s waters break at your hen. She turned and said remotenut’s life wouldn’t be worth living if she did that. I said that’s really not in my control (my son was 3 weeks early) and she said well you knew when this wedding was.

i understand it’s her day and she’s obviously wanting it to be all about her and that’s fine but I feel I couldn’t put my life on hold for 1 day (she asked me would I not just wait until her wedding was over to start trying for another baby)

I think I’m just going to say that I’ll go to the wedding but my husband will stay at home with the children. I don’t want that but I honestly don’t know what to do. AIBU to be upset by her attitude?

it occurs to me from reading the current crop of MN posts, that there is one important factor that people don't consider.
Barring miracles,It is never going to be easier to fix the problem than now.
It might be that you can only begin to fix it, or the first part of fixing it is getting financial ducks in a row or something but my comment stands. The earlier you address it the easier it will be and the less effort and aggression it is likely to take. Don't wait until you can't stand it any longer, start the fix today.

With your sister actitud you are been unreasonable to entertain all her bridezilla stuff. I wouldn't bother to go to the wedding with all the things she is saying to you.
Honestly, I know you want to best for her and be there on her special day, but she is a real PITA right now and making a nightmare of it.

She sounds utterly bonkers and is alienating her family and most likely friends over a wedding- and a cream jumper…. I hope the marriage lasts or she will have caused long lasting upset for nothing. This behaviour may be moved past but it will never be forgotten, maybe in years to come she will see how family is more important than a cream jumper

The only sane answer here is to tell your sister you are no longer able to be bridesmaid, you will attend her wedding if you and the baby are fit and well on the day, and then just don’t interact with her until the explosion subsides. You, your new baby and your little family are your priority, and you don’t need this stress

Good. So what if she throws a strop she sounds hideous. Would you be her friend if not related? Your dm needs to have your back but if she doesn't just remember your family now is you dh and your dcs. You chose them.

She sounds completely self absorbed!.
I know it's a lot easier said than done. But I think you need to start acknologying this behaviour as bring toxic. You have young children and need to break the cycle so they know it's not normal or exceptable.
If not they will be set up for a life time of just excepting peoples shitty behaviour, just because they are family.
Use your moral compass and listen to your stomach. You will know what behaviour is exceptable and what's not. "Would you except it from some one who isn't family?". If the answers no then don't except it!!
I know it's hard, but make positive changes, maybe going to councilling will help you see it clearer.

Omg. This is utter madness. Step back ASAP, she is going to become more and more unhinged as the day approaches...

You've two options here op, carry on as you are and likely regret it and be stuck in this cycle forever or stand down and take the fall out but be free forever from the ridiculous demands.

I appreciate the latter is not easy but you can't live your life like this.

for the whole experience!!!!

It's a wedding, not a DIsney ride. If she doesn't want your children to cause a disturbance I would say 'We'll all stay at home then your homage to Instagram won't be disturbed'. I often feel very sorry for the men marrying these women, one with sense would run a mile from her self centred nonsense.

Each of your updates had my jaw clanging to the desk!! She's bloody unhinged OP. But you know this already.

Think very hard; do you actually WANT to be her bridesmaid? She doesn't sound like a sister that deserves to get what she wants from you if you don't actually WANT to be her bridesmaid. If you do WANT to be her bridesmaid, you will, of course, make the day work in some way shape or form because that is what YOU WANT to do.

But are you doing it because of fear, obligation and guilt? Do you feel like you are being bullied into the role? Do you actually worry about what to say to your sister to try and get your views heard?

It's easier said than done but with the wedding dress fitting, I think I'd have laughed my head off and walked away then and there so there would be no drama now but you didn't do that. You are much nicer and more patient than me!

If she won't listen to you when she or you approach the subject then you have to say enough is enough and you won't be a bridesmaid! You'll be 10 weeks post C section for christ sake?!

By the sounds of it, from the extended family bit, you'll be well shot of the lot of them!

Edited to add: oh and I wonder what she'll be like when she's pregnant and due to give birth on a crucial date for someone else in the family!? She'll still be expecting the world to revolve around her.

The point of the wedding is for her to be married.

That will happen whatever effort you do or don't put in or even if you aren't there at all!

Put yourself & your new baby first.

Does she often put you in situations where you can't win so she can kick off at you OP? my sister used to do this all the time. Got married abroad when I a baby and toddlers and was furious when I couldn't go. I've been NC for 15 years now as I got sick to death of feeling like I was being tested all the damn time. My DH and our DC had to come first, I couldn't allow this batshittery to infiltrate their lives. Step-down and let her kick off-drop the rope.

Then be the bad guy. You're all allowing her to act mental for no reason. If my sister acted like that over a jumper I would have left there and then

Exactly. So what if other people think you’re the ‘bad guy’? It’s on them if they just nod meekly in the face of misbehaviour.

No, OP, an adult can’t prevent another adult from taking off her coat in a shop. You chose to obey a completely unreasonable demand, just as you chose to go wedding dress shopping when your child was sick enough to need an out of hours doctor visit. I appreciate it’s going to take you some time to undo all this conditioning, but get started. Remember that going along with what someone wants, or not going along with it, are both choices, and within your control, outside a situation where you’re being threatened with violence.

“she went mental when I arrived because I was wearing cream on her wedding dress shopping day
and wouldn’t let me take my coat off the whole time we were there”

I would have put a stop to it there and then. If she made a fuss I would have been quite happy to tell people she had a tantrum because I wore a cream jumper.

Stop pandering to her.

I actually really feel for you here @Remotenut it is incredibly hard to stand up to a family member. I think this is your time though because you have been pushed into a situation where you have to. I would find it really difficult to speak up to my sisters too. Thankfully they are reasonable people and would never behave like this, but we are the same type of family, all smiles and manners and never being brutally honest.

I also feel frustrated with your mothers approach. Sometimes family issues need a mediator and she should have been the voice of reason. It seems like she is saying it's nothing to do with her but it's everything to do with her, if her daughters fall out she will be the biggest loser. She should be talking to you both to find the best solution.

Thanks everyone. My husband and I have said we are genuinely worried about her mental health after this wedding is over as she’s expecting to be as excited about it as her and she’s going to have a massive comedown. I love her to bits but I can’t stand her behaviour sometimes.

Thank you for all the suggestions. I’m going to tell her when I see her calmly that I’ve been thinking about it and it would be better if I step down because I can’t fulfil what she needs and if that’s not good enough for her then she needs to lower to expectations of what I can and can’t do on the day. And if she kicks off she kicks off.

I’ve cut off some extended family because I don’t want my son to think the way they behave and act is normal and I think I’ve been kidding myself my sister is just like this because of her wedding but I need to reevaluate my whole relationship with her I think, especially for my kids’ sake. I would be mortified if my daughter was going on the way she is.

Good for you OP!x

Excellent news.

Yeah one instance came to mind that to this day I find mad. So last year my son was sick (he’s actually not sick that often but he happened to be) and was struggling to keep bottles down and we took him to out of hours and then to my parents after. We were exhausted and my dad asked if I wanted a roast dinner as he had got a chicken in. Myself and my husband were so grateful because we were exhausted.

about an hour later when we are all eating she storms in with a takeaway to the other living room with her boyfriend.

I went over a while later to get my son’s changing bag and said what’s up? She said are you serious you ruined my boyfriend’s birthday meal!!

basically her boyfriend’s birthday was a few days later and apparently after they went to an event that Sunday her and my mum had agreed we’d get a Chinese that night (completely unknown to me or my dad actually who offered to make a Sunday roast) and she didn’t speak to me for weeks. Note her and my brother and her boyfriend all still got Chinese but she was annoyed because my dad made myself be my husband and my parents a roast when we were meant to be all eating Chinese. To this day she talks about the year I apparently ruined her boyfriend’s birthday.

Your sister is a fucking nutcase. Your children should NEVER come after her - ever. Youve let her walk al over you, don't allow her to do that to your children. Step down OP - and congratulations on the new baby :)

It isn’t really a Bridezilla situation then, she is like this all the time.

I would definitely go Low contact after the wedding. Maybe I’m too soft but I wouldn’t want to upset her just before her wedding, though she deserves it.

gah, she sounds hideous..

I’m amazed you still talk to her.