To be upset by sister’s attitude

[Remotenut]

my husband and I have 1 son who it took a good while to conceive, we knew we wanted 2 close in age and given how long it took to conceive our son we started trying when he was 9 months old and 6 months later I got pregnant. Im due 10 weeks before my sisters wedding who I’m bridesmaid for

my sister is a major bridezilla (think got a quote for outsourced cutlery because she wasn’t fussed on the cutlery at the reception which is a 5 star hotel so I doubt the cutlery is bad but that’s the level we are talking)

over the last few days she’s been asking me what my plan is with the baby and how I basically need to be at her beck and call over the wedding, including the night before. I said the baby will still be feeding during the night so I need to be at home to feed her. She went mad and asked could I not just leave the baby with my husbands family for a few nights. I explained the baby will only be 10 weeks old, my husbands family all have their own kids and the wedding is 2.5 hours away and I wouldn’t be comfortable being that far away from the baby when she’s so small.

last night it came up again that she’s having her hen a few days before I’m due to go have my section and my brother jokingly said oh what if Remotenut’s waters break at your hen. She turned and said remotenut’s life wouldn’t be worth living if she did that. I said that’s really not in my control (my son was 3 weeks early) and she said well you knew when this wedding was.

i understand it’s her day and she’s obviously wanting it to be all about her and that’s fine but I feel I couldn’t put my life on hold for 1 day (she asked me would I not just wait until her wedding was over to start trying for another baby)

I think I’m just going to say that I’ll go to the wedding but my husband will stay at home with the children. I don’t want that but I honestly don’t know what to do. AIBU to be upset by her attitude?

Another for stepping down, I did this myself as it was clear the bride expected me to act like the baby didn't exist and just too stressful. The bride never really understood but it was the right thing to do. I only ended up going to the ceremony as baby was breastfeeding and wouldn't take a bottle. The night of the reception was a marathon feeding/ nappy session anyway so it wouldn't have been much fun. Pretty unrealistic to have a bridesmaid with a young baby unless you are prepared to be quite flexible in duties which is not the case here

Ok after the dress shopping story she sounds absolutely nuts. Way past normal bridezilla territory.

nothing you do for her will be enough, time to accept that now. Therefore I would just plan the day as it best suits you and your baby, then tell her your plan and just say; “sorry that’s not possible” on repeat to any other demands. If any family members try to say anything, just repeat the line to them: “sorry mum, that’s just not possible with the baby”.

If she pulls the “you knew when the wedding was” line, just reply with “and you know I had problems conceiving, so time to be supportive of your pregnant sister!”. I’d also pull the “this child is your niece/nephew, don’t you care about them? (Head tilt)”

Big girl pants on and tell her to fuck the fuck off

Honestly, I'd get your husband to get in touch to explain that the doctor has advised that you need to take it easy for the rest of this pregnancy and spend proper time recovering. You're really devastated to pull out, but unfortunately, the doctor thinks it would be too stressful for the baby.

You're carrying his child and you have a shitty family. I'm sure he would support you in taking the heat for this with your sister, as he presumably knows how batshit she is. Let your husband support you on this occasion. Setting boundaries is hard, it's even harder with your own family, and everything is harder when you're full of hormones you can't control.

In general, I'm all for child-free weddings. But I think you have to accept that some children cannot be left with anyone, whether due to their age or complex needs, and that means you have to scale down your expectations of their parents (which often includes your expectation that they will attend, let alone be in the wedding).

This is utterly ridiculous. Stop letting her yank your chain! Every time you cave in to these ridiculous demands you are re-enforcing her notions that she is the Queen of the World and only her needs and desires matter.

Your new baby / your family are absolutely your priorities. This is incompatible with her demands so tough. Do what suits you and if she strops and sulks then let her. Ideally step down from bridesmaids duties - tell her you cannot be available to the extent that she needs.

sorry edited to say that I’m highlighting this to show speaking up is considered the worst thing in my family

And you want your children to grow up learning this too?
Walk away from the wedding. For one thing do you need the stress so soon to giving birth? That’s not good for you.

Congratulations you’re expecting.

YANBU to be upset.

Your sister is being unreasonable. Weddings aren’t a ‘performance’ that has to be perfection. They should be a celebration of love, where everyone the couple loves should feel welcome and comfortable.

I wouldn’t go on your own. Why should you have to do that? If you’ve given birth a couple of months before, you’ll need your baby with you, or close by, as well as your DH for support. At least see how you feel much nearer the time. Could you book an hotel or self-catering place for a couple of nights nearby, so your DH could pop back and forth with the DC if it all gets too much.

As you well know, pregnancy and having a child is a wonderful blessing. Anyone who loves you should feel that. They shouldn’t be making you feel stressed. I know it must be hard, but try to let all your sister’s stress wash over you. As long as you’re reasonable and considerate to her, that’s all you can control.

Tell DS you cannot fulfil the bridesmaid duties so you have to pull out to be fair to her.
your baby is your priority it can’t be provided for by anyone else.
you can’t be in two places at once, that’s life and just how it is.
she sounds spoilt and it makes you wonder how long the marriage will last anyway!

Maybe it's time to distance yourself from your unreasonable family members. You have your own children to think about. Do you want them to grow up believing this is normal?

OMG that’s batshit! You have my condolences. Makes me more grateful for my daft brother.

You need to start standing up to her or this will continue for the rest of your lives. It's hard - I get it and have been there - but tiptoeing around a tantrumming sister does her and you no favours as she'll never improve.

You need to start gently pushing back and standing up to her. She'll have a fit and be furious - and she'll make you feel like a horrible horrible person. But so what? What's the worst that can happen? Let her. And then slowly you might find your relationship improves.

Your sister is being a massive twat.

This. She's being beyond ridiculous

Standing down will be the most sanity-saving option. No other option is practical because the rules of the game is that sister's way is the only way and she'll be backed up by her flying monkeys.

When you've got a demanding relative that uses blackmail to get there way, the thought of standing up to them and facing their histrionics is intimidating. But actually when you do it and you leave them howling into the wind and shut them (or their cronies) down every time they start up, it's liberating. Also make them own their choices, "If you do this, I'll do that" "ok, that's your choice". I long term improved a relationship after a few quiet years, but if it's going to be a relationship ender, it really wasn't a dynamic that was enhancing your life.

They thrive on drama. Don't feed it. Never give them anything that doesn't serve you- they'll never requite it and will only want more.

You have your own family. Your responsibility is to your health, your children (especially a new baby) and your spouse.

(I had a BM who ended up being 4m pg. She managed to adjust the dress the week of the wedding following a growth spurt. I just wanted her to come down the aisle with me, I didn't mind what she wore, and she didn't need any further stress- because she's my friend and I wanted her there for her company.)

Yeah I’d be standing down too. You’ve no idea how you’re going to feel post section, how the baby is going to be, how your toddler will react to new baby, etc.

also (and I’m not sure if this has already been mentioned) but will her wedding be the first time wider family have met new baby? If so be prepared for hassle from her about that too. Stealing thunder etc. if she’s the type to kick off about a cream jumper this will probably be a kick off too!

I would try and have a heart to heart with her and if that doesn’t go well I’d let her know you can only do what you can and if that’s not enough that you will stand down as a bridesmaid as you can’t have the stress x

Your sister would combust if she experiences the series of wedding day calamities we had OP.

Luckily for my sanity, I am reasonably laid back and took it all in my stride. I suspect somebody that high strung would be ugly crying into their bubbles and finding a way to blame the bridesmaid.

Have a chat with her soon, just the two of you, and let her know you can’t be the bridesmaid she wants, and that you can either do it on your terms, or not at all. Those are her only two options and she can pick which option she prefers. Then if she realises she does want you as a bridesmaid even if she can’t boss you about, then hold the line from that point on, and do what works for you and your own family, and nothing more.

The cream jumper thing was completely insane and it sounds like you are all so used to being in this very very weird dynamic that you can’t see how messed up it is. Did she not have any friends there too, or anyone at all who was prepared to laugh at her and tell her to stop being a lunatic?

Listen, this is your sister.

If she gets angry, get angry back at her! Tell her to stop being so fucking ridiculous, you'll have a tiny baby with you at the wedding or you won't be coming at all, you obviously won't be attending the hen do and if she's going to be that pathetic about it then maybe you shouldn't be bridesmaid. This is the most important day in her life so far, but it's not the overarching life priority she seems to think it is for everyone else.

Don't get me wrong, I don't like confronting family either. But either you do this, or you spend your pregnancy worrying about your sister's wedding and her behaviour.

She's clearly an utter twat.

I would write her a letter and tell her you're not going to be a bridesmaid anymore and why.

she went mental when I arrived because I was wearing cream on her wedding dress shopping day and wouldn’t let me take my coat off the whole time we were there

I somehow missed this line. Good Lord she is unhinged!! Never heard of this level of mental. This is controlling behaviour and not just about a wedding.

I'm not normally a violent person but my hand is itching to give your sister a good smack.

That is actually mental. That is so unreasonable it's off the charts. I would not worry about upsetting her, because it sounds like she is determined to be upset by absolutely everything.

Tell her that you are a new mother and your baby comes first. Ignore any comments from her and stick to your guns. This is so important when you are young so that people know your boundaries. It goes to make for easier work later on if you put your boundaries in place first thing.

Would it be possible to speak to your Mother and get the suggestion that you drop out as bridesmaid to come from her? Then you could generously go along with it, for the sake of the wedding, blahdiblah!