To be upset by sister’s attitude

[Remotenut]

my husband and I have 1 son who it took a good while to conceive, we knew we wanted 2 close in age and given how long it took to conceive our son we started trying when he was 9 months old and 6 months later I got pregnant. Im due 10 weeks before my sisters wedding who I’m bridesmaid for

my sister is a major bridezilla (think got a quote for outsourced cutlery because she wasn’t fussed on the cutlery at the reception which is a 5 star hotel so I doubt the cutlery is bad but that’s the level we are talking)

over the last few days she’s been asking me what my plan is with the baby and how I basically need to be at her beck and call over the wedding, including the night before. I said the baby will still be feeding during the night so I need to be at home to feed her. She went mad and asked could I not just leave the baby with my husbands family for a few nights. I explained the baby will only be 10 weeks old, my husbands family all have their own kids and the wedding is 2.5 hours away and I wouldn’t be comfortable being that far away from the baby when she’s so small.

last night it came up again that she’s having her hen a few days before I’m due to go have my section and my brother jokingly said oh what if Remotenut’s waters break at your hen. She turned and said remotenut’s life wouldn’t be worth living if she did that. I said that’s really not in my control (my son was 3 weeks early) and she said well you knew when this wedding was.

i understand it’s her day and she’s obviously wanting it to be all about her and that’s fine but I feel I couldn’t put my life on hold for 1 day (she asked me would I not just wait until her wedding was over to start trying for another baby)

I think I’m just going to say that I’ll go to the wedding but my husband will stay at home with the children. I don’t want that but I honestly don’t know what to do. AIBU to be upset by her attitude?

OP with the greatest respect whatever you do on the day, you’ll be wrong if she perceives that your attention is away from her and her ‘day’ ’ for even the briefest of moments. So you’re going to be torn. You have to take a stand here well before the wedding so that there’s time for things to settle down and other arrangements made.

Tell her honestly what is likely to happen because you have very young baby who you are not prepared to leave for any significant length of time, and tell her that from what you know of her expectations, it’s not going to be compatible with what she wants on what, when all is said and done, is her day. So you’re stepping away early so that she can find a replacement. However you try to resolve this, and whatever compromises you suggest, you’re going to be accused of making it all about you anyway, so you may as well do what’s best all round, and definitely what’s best for you.

Oh and l’d be telling her in no uncertain terms that when your waters break is out of your control, so if she doesn’t want to take the risk at the hen do, then you won’t attend that either. That’s taking Bridezilla to the extreme.

You're a mother now, and your number one priorities have shifted to your children. To baby will need feeding.
You need, for everyone's sake, to pull out of being bridesmaid. Tell your sister it's for her sake so that the unpredictables are taken out of the equation.

Quite simply, you aren’t in any position to fulfill your obligations as bridesmaid to this particular bride.
If your sister happened to be chilled and easy going then it might work but from what you say, she definitely isn’t -quite the opposite. You know it will be a nightmare with tantrums. Her demands are impossible for you to meet.

Your responsibility as a new mum is to your own DC, one of whom will still be breast feeding. I can’t think of any good reason why anybody would abandon their new baby and deprive it of food for a few days. Your selfish sister really isn’t a good reason OP.

Either she comes to her senses, or you stand down as bridesmaid.
So try to have a good calm talk about it with her and the minute she strops out of the room you will know what you must do.

That's not a bad suggestion.

If you can give a reason thar takes it put of your control, their anger may be directed elsewhere which would make it easier for you.

There are lots of good suggestions on here but it's also clear that some of them are grom people with no idea how destructive these dysfunctional families can be.

If she uses bf as an excuse, people will accuse her of being selfish and babies don't have to he bf.

If she'd pulled out when she found out she was pregnant, that would have caused similar issues - she'd have been accused of making her early pregnancy, 9 months in advance of the birth more important than the wedding. They wouldn't have been sensible and projected into the future to understand the implications because people like this don't.

There is no reasoning with people like this so it's easier for you if you just don't try. Present it as a done deal and leave no room for 'solutions' on their part.

She sounds like hard work. Is it really worth putting yourself through all this being her bridesmaid?

The OP would rather post on MN about it, talk to her batshit-enabling mother, reason with a crazy narcissistic b*tch, than do the easiest and most sensible thing - drop them all and go NC.
You know very well OP that nothing will change unless you walk away.

Tbh, you’ve got great advice on this thread but you seem to make excuses that you can’t do this or that so what’s the point? If you want to be at the beck and call of someone, who, from your posts is nasty, dramatic and manipulative, then just carry on doing what you’re doing. I just wouldn’t bother with her tbh, definitely wouldn’t commit to bridesmaid duties and focus on your own family. If you get fallout, which it seems you might, you can choose to ignore it and not get involved. I’m not an advocate of ‘going NC’ but you can definitely withdraw engaging with such nonsense and challenging your mother on her different stances. You don’t have to tolerate this from your family-if you don’t keep the peace, so what?

Seriously, are you not really angry that your whole family want you to put your sisters demands before the needs of a 10 week old baby? Why have you not told the lot of them to fuck off? If you don't start putting the needs of your children before her then this will be it for the rest if your life. So what if she kicks off, if she uninvites you from the wedding then enjoy the peace.

Sorry just can't imagine how this sister has a single friend, never mind as many for a wedding... and how she's even found a husband 😄😄😄

Why are you being so aggressive?

"Drop them all and go NC", she confidently typed from the safety of her living room. The easiest and most sensible thing apparently.

Nasty and unnecessary. Nothing wrong with asking MN for advice before you act, and there are some good suggestions here. And suggesting she drop her whole family and go NC over a wedding is batshit in itself. She just needs to find her mojo and stand up to bridezilla.

In this situation? Yes it bloody is.

She may have found him, but the jury’s out on whether she can keep him !!

Drop them and go NC is neither easy, nor sensible. Or appropriate. Methinks you’re projecting.

This is perfect - fully agree with this. Whatever you do your sister will find a reason why you messed something up - not attentive enough to her on the day, called your DH to see how the kids were which was selfish, went off to pump breast milk which took up time you should have been attending to her etc. There will be drama either way - so dropping out in advance is the best way of avoiding that drama affecting her wedding day itself. And protecting you and your family.

ok, you're right

🙄

I'd stand down from being her sister too.

I think a childfree Bridezilla is not a reasonable person. You might need to step down as bridesmaid as it sounds like she is just going to be awful to you as she is pissed off you got pregnant. I would figure out what works for you and just tell her what your plan is. Then if she isn't happy, don't go. Personally, I think I would try and have a close friend or family member I trust (who isn't at the wedding) staying at the hotel to look after the baby where you can pop back throughout the day to feed and check in.

I had a friend who tried to complain that one of her bridesmaids had got pregnant before her wedding and why couldn't she have waited until after the wedding. Even worse, her main issue seemed to be that, bridesmaid had been a bridezilla and she had been looking forward to her turn being the bride to get her revenge. I like to think friend realised how ridiculous she was when she struggled to conceive herself. But I doubt it.

Respectfully, so what? You can’t change other people’s complicit behaviour. All you can do is limit the unpleasant effects of their behaviour on your life.

Offer your sister, civilly, the choice of you continuing to be bridesmaid on terms you are comfortable with (in terms of what you are and aren’t prepared to do etc), or tell her you’re stepping down because it’s not possible to be bridesmaid in the way she wants.

That way she has a choice and will have to abide by its consequences, either way.

And because you keep saying she and your family will say you’re ’making it all about you’ — of course you’re making it all about you! Your own life is all about you! Behaving as though you’re a background character in someone else’s narrative is madness.

Your sister is seriously nuts! Stop trying to pander to her - just tell her what is possible for you and say you are happy to stand down as bridesmaid if that does not suit her. If she rants sufficiently, her partner might realise what a nightmare he will be taking on and call the whole thing off!!

I think I'd stand down as her sister as well. She sounds like a nightmare!!!

I think you have to either stand down or agree that you can only be part time bridesmaid and someone else, a nominated close friend or someone can step in. You can't possibly be organising the hen and you will be leaving early even if you are there, as a bridesmaid that might seem poor form but as a pg woman you have to. I agree you have to bring the baby but maybe you could pay someone to sit with the baby so you can be present between feeds, try to arrange feeds so you are in the church while the baby is going for a walk with a minder, for example. It's the best you can offer. She sounds awful but I do think you need to offer some meet in the middle. My family was close like this and I understand the dynamic is difficult. I remember when my DSis organised her day abroad her and my other sis told me I'd better not be pg, knowing I spent a while ttc DC1.

The thing is, if you won’t stand up to her and you won’t step down as bridesmaid, I’m not entirely what it is you want us to say?

Small human who is totally dependent trumps her wedding by some considerable margin.

It sounds like she's ruled the roost for far too long.

I'd step down as bridesmaid. Let her rant and rave. You have your own family now, and their needs are your main priority. Let everyone blame you - and they wouldn't really be blaming you for stepping down, they just don't want the discomfort of having to deal with yet another tantrum. Somebody needs to stand up to her.

I would tell your dsis that you'll do your best but that she needs to back off with all the bridezilla nonsense otherwise you won't attend the wedding at all.
And mean it.