To be Concerned about husband's reaction to Xmas planning making it about race

[anonymousxmasposter]

I'm a British Asian woman married to a white man, and I'm currently pregnant with our first child. I need some advice about a situation that's really bothering me.

I suggested hosting Christmas this year but separately for our families - mainly because of logistics. My family is quite large (10 people), younger (mostly teens and twenty-somethings), and celebrates with music, games, and a lively atmosphere. His family is small (4 people), much older (60s-80s), more traditional, and quieter. His father has dementia and hearing difficulties, which makes large gatherings challenging for him.

When I suggested hosting our families separately to make everyone more comfortable, my husband immediately accused me of wanting an "Asian-only Christmas where we just do our own Asian thing." I was shocked because it had nothing to do with race - I was thinking about space, comfort levels, and very different celebration styles. My sisters boyfriend is white too, so it wasn't about excluding anyone based on race.

I ended up feeling so guilty that I changed my plans to invite his family, but I'm deeply troubled by his response and how quickly he turned a practical concern into a racial accusation. This isn't the first time he's done something like this - any discussion involving race tends to end badly.

I'm especially worried as we're expecting a child. What if our child had heard that comment?

Im also keen to hear from people in same race relationships, for Xmas if you were hosting at your home, do you also blend families - was it weird of me to say I didn't want to do that?

Whether you have or haven't what the hell do I do with this as feel really alone with this and could use some advice as I have no one I can talk to about this without judgement.

It can be really beneficial for older people to be in the company of young ones and vice versa.

Honestly, you’re over-thinking. Have them all together.

Very strange thing for him to say. How long have you been married? Has this kind of thing happened before?

@user2848502016 this was my point. It hurt me so bad. Married for 4 years on a relationship for 8. It's the fact he jumped straight to that conclusion

Really strange for him to say. We are a same race couple but tend to see / host family for this type of thing separately. Mainly because both sides have different traditions and preferences which are easier to accommodate separately.

I think a conversation is needed to understand why he made this about race. Maybe if your family are very close he feels envious or left out? Not that that makes his comment ok.

By the way I also think it is common to host families separately because of logistics and frankly because people are generally more relaxed with their own immediate family.

DH and I are both white. Together 25 years, married 15, have an 8 year old. My family have met his twice - at our wedding, and at DS’s first birthday. It would never occur to me, or any of them, to do a joint Christmas. Nobody has ever suggested it. Why would DBro’s girlfriend ever want to spend Christmas Day with her partner’s sister’s husband’s dad’s second wife?

When I was a child we always saw DM’s side of the family separately from DF’s side as well. Your DP is the one being weird here.

Thank you to all comments which is why I wanted to hear what others do at Xmas as I cannot believe he made it about race.

Honestly, I just think the families are completely different and I don't think anyone wants a forced Xmas. I'd enjoy it more separate, he wouldn't but that's just preferences and was nothing to do with race until he made it about it,

I know how dad well and he doesn't like being around anywhere but his own surroundings - especially when there's lots of people he won't know and I plan to cook Indian food mainly too - I understand he would probably want a Roast diner and that's fine. Which is why I felt separate would be better.

When I'm at their house for Xmas there's never music and games etc

It was a weird thing for him to say - I'd not have liked that, either, so I understand why you didn't.

Are there other tensions between him and your family?

@Saschka I s it normal for most people to keep it separate do you think as my judgement now gels very clouded now he's made that loaded comment.

It's really upset me

@ArcheryAnnie none whatsoever, not that I ever picked up on.

But he insists on seeing his family every year whereas some years I haven't seen mine and that's annoyed me too so now I insist on seeing mine.

His excuse, his family are older and he's an only child whereas my parents have other children.

So we either go to both homes or go separate

@ArcheryAnnie I'm not being pedantic but what about would you not have liked as I'm trying to work out if I'm being dramatic and oversensitive about this

Now you've seen this reaction be prepared next time. If you suggest something and he brings race up, be calm and inquisitive, "I didn't mention race, what about this relates to race?" Give him space to explain what he means. In doing so he may self-analyse on why is he thinking a certain way, does he hold a bias etc.
Or, he may be throwing up the term race to get his own way in discussions. Questioning him calmly may stop him pushing his preferences and bring the discussion back to the important things that you need him to hear and respond to.

Certainly the people I know have separate events for each side of the family. It’s definitely not abnormal.

I’m not saying nobody invites both sides, but I don’t know anyone who does personally.

@MrsSkylerWhite would it be beneficial for someone with dementia who struggles with larger groups?

Its just phenomenally hostile and out of place in a happy relationship. Its not just the accusation of racism in the perfectly ordinary division of family holidays. Its that you quite obviously thought deeply and compassionately about how to handle the festival and he leaped to the most ungenerous and hostile interpretation if your suggestion.

I really think you should be alarmed and deal with this forthrightly. I would absolutely want to brace him and tell him that was a shitty thing to say, completely uncalled for, snd never to be repeated.

However, and I don’t mean to alarm you, take a hard look at the relationship since you got pregnant. It is not uncommon for abuse to start when a woman is pregnant. He may have puttered along until now but he seems to be ramping up the insults and resentment (pointless, spiteful,but resentment) and using race as the reason. Be careful.

I'd not have liked race being the go-to focus for the difference of opinion. If he'd wanted to have a conversation about including food that everyone would enjoy (so both Indian food and roast stuff, etc) that's reasonable, but that doesn't sound like what it was.

I think the thing that would have upset me most would have been him turning what was an amicable discussion about logistics - how to host everyone well - into something antagonistic.

Awful thing for him to say.

Since you are married and pregnant, the best thing to do is to try to get to the bottom of this with him. Why did he say such a thing?

I'd reiterate that your plans were primarily for the comfort of his dad - but that if he's sure that a very large combined gathering is what he wants, then you can go ahead with it.

I am baffled at how someone who sounds pretty racist is married to OP who is Asian.

I don't think you're being over sensitive. I think he's being a real turd.

So it's OK to split family functions based on age?

I'm from a big family, we have mixed race families within that, no one regardless of age, race or creed is split along any lines. Everyone is included all the time, whatever it is.

I think @pikkumyy77 landed precisely on what I'd have found upsetting: that he "leaped to the most ungenerous and hostile interpretation of your suggestion".

@MarkingBad it's not based on age it's just that I know both families VERY well and I know both families would have a more relaxing time independently but he doesn't seem to get that and sees me as splitting them up

Totally normal to do it separately.

Do you think maybe he's a bit insecure about his small, elderly family, and feels worried that they're being pushed to the side? Especially if his dad has dementia.

What days did you suggest doing the respective gatherings? Which family (if either) got the main Christmas day event?

(Still no need to make it about race though)

He said it's ridiculous that we wouldn't host family together as we both own the house so should be able to invite guests we individually want

@GiveMeVodkaPlease I think maybe there is some anger or resentment that Mine is a bigger younger family I don't know, I'm just reaching here and making NHS excuses I guess.

I was so shocked by the comment he made though it was like he really wanted to get back at me and make me upset/angry in that moment.

It just doesn't make sense, especially now that most posters are saying they just separately and are in same race relationships so it's not like it was subconsciously making it about race either.

His parents are lovely but every time they're at our house his dad wants to leave asap, which tells me he is more comfortable in his own setting and having such a large gathering I just thought would not be a relaxing Xmas for them

But your main claim for splitting the celebrations was because his family were older and you mentioned ages of yours and his families. Do yours and DHs families normally get along OK or are there some issues when they get together?

It is entirely up to you how you prefer to celebrate and I know families who do split their time between different sections of the family. There is nothing normal or abnormal here, different families do different things.

I don't have an answer for you other than what we do works for us, you and your DH need to consider what works best for you.

I wouldn't be having this racist man's baby and I'd also be single already after dumping his bigoted arse. What a dick