To be Concerned about husband's reaction to Xmas planning making it about race

[anonymousxmasposter]

I'm a British Asian woman married to a white man, and I'm currently pregnant with our first child. I need some advice about a situation that's really bothering me.

I suggested hosting Christmas this year but separately for our families - mainly because of logistics. My family is quite large (10 people), younger (mostly teens and twenty-somethings), and celebrates with music, games, and a lively atmosphere. His family is small (4 people), much older (60s-80s), more traditional, and quieter. His father has dementia and hearing difficulties, which makes large gatherings challenging for him.

When I suggested hosting our families separately to make everyone more comfortable, my husband immediately accused me of wanting an "Asian-only Christmas where we just do our own Asian thing." I was shocked because it had nothing to do with race - I was thinking about space, comfort levels, and very different celebration styles. My sisters boyfriend is white too, so it wasn't about excluding anyone based on race.

I ended up feeling so guilty that I changed my plans to invite his family, but I'm deeply troubled by his response and how quickly he turned a practical concern into a racial accusation. This isn't the first time he's done something like this - any discussion involving race tends to end badly.

I'm especially worried as we're expecting a child. What if our child had heard that comment?

Im also keen to hear from people in same race relationships, for Xmas if you were hosting at your home, do you also blend families - was it weird of me to say I didn't want to do that?

Whether you have or haven't what the hell do I do with this as feel really alone with this and could use some advice as I have no one I can talk to about this without judgement.

In all my years, I've never known anyone to include both sides of the family at Christmas. It's not about race :
It's about different family dynamics.
It's about spending quality time with your nearest and dearest and not spreading yourself too thinly.
It's about making everyone feel comfortable in your home.
It's about space in the house,
It's about age factors.
It's about what each side of the family normally do/enjoy at Christmas.

He only made it about race to shame you into promptly doing what he wants. If you go against his wishes then you're racist. A lose lose situation for you. Concerning behaviour from him when you have a baby on the way.

Can we stop acvusing OP if “separating the family by age?” That is not what she is proposing and that us not her goal. So teary stories about your great great gran are just tedious and beside the point.

Also: of course racists marry women of colour—happens all the time. They make sn exception, or have a fetish, or think its not a problem because of some gendered or misogynistic facet to their racism. But they can still dislike the woman’s culture or race or community. In the current anti woke/misogynistic and fascistic rise of white nationalism he may even be regretting his choice or anxious about his mixed race baby. So Op’s romantic partner may have started out ignoring her race and ended up angry about it.

Mixed race family here with kids - British Asian with a white husband

always do christmases separately for similar reason - families are different - absolutely nothing at all to do with race

husband has never ever mentioned race - he spends time with my family happily and I do with his.

my race (or now our kids’ race) never comes into his thought process tbh - it’s just not a thing any more than he happens to be white

odd comment from him. I would explore it

Your plan sounded sensible. And based on people feeling comfortable.
Is your dh older then you?
Making it about race does seem very odd

I think that is nonsense. Someone who is an out and out racist would never get together with a POC in the first place. They'd be too racist ffs!!

Your projection is off the scale with no evidence to support it!

On what evidence are you basing this premise?

Someone who is an out and out racist would never get together with a POC in the first place. They'd be too racist ffs!!

If you genuinely believe this, you have limited knowledge of the dynamics of racism, sexual politics and history. Slave owners had long term relationships and multiple children with women they owned. Quite a lot of men do not need to respect the women with whom they enter into relationships and procreate.

If you’ve somehow managed not to observe this, would you like recommendations for some resting on the topic? Peer reviewed academic research is very much available.

It’s not as concrete as that. I live in a very multicultural city and know two women who have split with their husbands of different races. The reason for both of my friends is that the culture clash was more than the husbands thought it would be, even though both were born and raised in the same country.
It’s not impossible for her husband to begin resenting her culture. It’s sad but can happen.

reading, not ‘resting’. My apologies for the typo.

I think it's far from the norm to blend families. I can think of only v few exceptions (certainly not me, I don't spend xmas with DP never mind his family!)

My cousin + her partner. Together since school and parents grew up together. Both small families (2 parents/1 parent + 1 sibling) and they do most of the day as a blend.

Friend who just has his mum. She goes to his husband's parents who host a big Xmas for all and sundry.

Thinking of my friends/family in mixed race relationships, as far as I know them well enough to know, noone does a blended thing. At most, if everyone is local and therefore knows each other (small town!) maybe a quick pint together before lunch or on Xmas eve.

Sorry to hear it OP. Don't have any advice to add to the others above but it sounds like you were coming from a genuinely thoughtful place, especially about his dad, and you didn't deserve the weird and hurtful response.

See also "no man who marries a woman could be sexist"...

Similar family set up here including Asian partner and children. Trying to be non identifying but it's impossible 😂

One side of immediate family is sibling and widowed parent living in a different city. Widowed parent has physical needs and finds socialising difficult. Visits are stressful because the parent wants to leave immediately like your father in law. The parent can be hard work. (factual, the parent would admit it. )

Other side of the couple has multiple married siblings. All siblings have multiple children. Both parents are alive. All live walking distance in same city. They see each other multiple times a week and are all incredibly social. The siblings/spouses share a friendship group. There'll often be multiple extended family members and/or close friends knocking around too (as well as their spouses and/or children)

Usually there is an unofficial "Christmas" with everyone immediate family around for 70 percent of the time at one of the houses or spread between a couple of them for a couple of days in Nov or Dec. Widowed parent would not spend actual Christmas away from their home and couldn't cope with the chaos of everyone together for a longer period. It's not perfect but it's family.

Actual Christmas is spent with the rest of immediate family and usually a couple of friends get involved.

I don't think your husband is being racist or offensive as suggested. I think he's upset at not spending it together with you and often having to be without you for the day or a few days in the past and has expressed it incredibly poorly.

We host together, but simply because DH's family live in India. They stay with us for 2-3 months out of the year. So if they're here there here if that makes sense.

Your husband's comment is worrying and I wouldn't like it if mine said that. Children in mixed families can have a rough time finding their comfort zone in the world around them.

I'll never forget ds1 being taught about Rosa Parks at primary school. It took us a week to get to the bottom of why he was so upset. He was 6/7 at the time, and was scared of being separated from us, he didn't know where his place would be if we were segregated.

You have some serious conversations to have before your baby arrives, because if this is the beginning of comments like this, your relationship won't (shouldn't) survive it.

I don’t understand this. The only reason they haven’t spent it together some years is because he doesn’t go to her family at Christmas as only wants to go to his. That’s on him- she’s gone to his family Christmas lots. He would be at his own house so it’s not a question of spending it apart?

if I had a baby that baby would go with me at Christmas unless we were divorced and had to share custody, obviously I would be fair between the families but I certainly wouldn’t only prioritise my husbands every year like the ops dh does, so I see some difficult discussions ahead.

This.
We have hosted both sides quite a few times but more often have celebrated Christmas separately..
My cousin who is married to an only child always invites his parents-in-law to Christmas.
My SIL who has an unmarried brother and no parents, always includes her brother in our family celebrations and this is expected.
My son-in-law's widowed mother is always invited to our extended family functions.

If you have a large home you can host both sides of the family easily. One side is very small. It makes sense to cook some foods that suit every one.
Ask guests to bring a dish to share and make sure no one is left alone at Christmas.

So he wants everyone to come to your house together on Christmas Day? Have you done this before, or will it be the first time hosting all 14 together?

I’d be tempted to agree with him and see what happens, Does he enjoy planning for, cooking, and hosting large dinners, because he’s going to have to do a fair amount as you can’t do everything, plus your pregnancy could make you too tired to do much 😉 .
Do you think he’ll be up for that?

Perhaps I’m being a bit evil but I’d let him get on with it…and this might be the only year that he suggests this. 😈. Or it could go brilliantly!

Only read page one so sorry if this has been said/asked. I noticed you said you will be cooking mostly Asian food? Does your husband get on well with your relatives? I can only grasp at straws here, but does your husband feel included when your family are around? Do you include him/talk to him, cook something other than Asian food? That's the only thing I can think of, again, just grasping at straws.
Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope whoever is there, that you have a wonderful Christmas.

He might have just meant it in terms of culture, like you just want your Asian/family cultures eg Indian food, rather than race as such. (My husband may make a similar comment about my Greek culture.) I would blend personally but see why think separate would be more fun and easier. Maybe he just thinks it would be more fun for your family and leave his out?

I'm form a white Christian family and my partner is from a Pakistani Muslim family. We're mixed faith house hold clearly and and mixed race. If we hand the space we'd host everyone. It's how you do it. But we don't we keep it separate etc. his family js so much bigger than mine . Maybe it's about a feeling of us vs them. Or others taking over his traditions or feeling overshadowed. Could be him feeling Christmas is lost for his family. Just feelings I've felt and possibly he's not articulated that well. X

It is neither normal or abnormal to do Xmas as one blended group or just with one side of the family - different families do it differently and there is no right or wrong. I think a lot of people's expectations is dictated by what they did as kids as this is their normal.

So nothing on the face of it wrong with your suggestion.

However, I do think only children are in a slightly different situation in that if they go with their in-laws it basically leaves their parents alone. I don't know any only children who don't spend Christmas with their parents most years. In my family this means it's a blended Xmas where I spend it with my BIL's parents. Not what I would choose but it's the only way for me to be with my DS and her kids, so it's fine. So I don't think it's unreasonable for your husband to want to have his parents with him on Xmas day.

However, you have rightly identified an issue - you don't think either side would be happy with the other side's version of Xmas, and as your family is bigger and louder they are more likely to dominate and so your DH's family will not enjoy it. Your concern is valid. There are lots and lots of white British people who would not want to eat Indian food on Christmas Day, as an example.

So it creates a difficult situation where you are probably right that having the families apart on Xmas is most sensible but he - underdstandably - doesn't want his parents to be alone. Did you propose days - for example did you propose his family on Xmas day and yours on Boxing Day (or vice versa) and, if so, did that impact his views?

You clearly aren't racist in your proposal, although you are taking into account the impact of your differing races (Indian v Turkey as food, for example). I suspect there may be something underlying in his reaction about not wanting to have an Indian Christmas and instead wanting what he had growing up - which I don't think on it's own is racism, it's just reflecting what he knows and enjoys (Christmas being the hardest tradition to change in families in my experience). He is struggling to adapt and hasn't had to until this year as you have always spent Christmas apart.

Of course he shouldn't have gone to racism and I think you need to sit down and explore why he did and explain why it upset you, but his wanting his parents to be included isn't itself unreasonable and so you need to explore and come to a compromise (all family together, meals prepared that cover Indian and Turkey preferences, one room kept aside as a chill out room if space permits etc etc.)

Might me. But it can be taxing for someone to host over 14 people is a small house, especially when they have vastly different needs and celebration styles. And truth me, it will largely fall on op to sort food, and find common ground. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her suggestion

You are pregnant and will be hosting over 24 people for Xmas? Tell him he will do the prep and cooking and host duties. Tell him you will help by giving him Asian recipes. He can sort out his cultural food.
And I would more than bristle at "you want ro do your Asian things " So what if you do? Nothing wrong with that. Many people here will tell you there is nothing racists about his attitude by but for me, that statement would give me pause. In fact I think it's likely racists and if we are to give him the benefit of doubt I would day is a flagrant display of his white privilege. Again nothing wrong with you doing Asian things with your Asian family. It's part of who you are.

Mixed race blended family here. Firstly I would blend Xmas and see how it goes, I think it could be nice.

Secondly, have a frank discussion with your DH. Tell him exactly what you've said here. You don't like him talking about race in that way and you need to agree a way forward about talking about race matters with your future DC. These are important matters so just communicate your feelings and get it out on the table.

You are joking!
I know a number of mixed raise couples whose partners are racists. Their racism often come out when they are angry but even when not. Their idiotic comments include:
It's because you are black (when wife makes a "mistake").
I don't want my kids raised like a black person or with black culture because ....cue a litany of racists tropes.
My brother in law who is Indian and marries yo my black sister, when my nephew was having trouble deciding (gravitating towards it) what to do with life "he is so stupid. I wish I hadn't married a black k woman. If his mother was Indian he would already be at the shop helping me. He is so stupid and it's because he is black"

I have so so many examples from different couples.