To be Concerned about husband's reaction to Xmas planning making it about race

[anonymousxmasposter]

I'm a British Asian woman married to a white man, and I'm currently pregnant with our first child. I need some advice about a situation that's really bothering me.

I suggested hosting Christmas this year but separately for our families - mainly because of logistics. My family is quite large (10 people), younger (mostly teens and twenty-somethings), and celebrates with music, games, and a lively atmosphere. His family is small (4 people), much older (60s-80s), more traditional, and quieter. His father has dementia and hearing difficulties, which makes large gatherings challenging for him.

When I suggested hosting our families separately to make everyone more comfortable, my husband immediately accused me of wanting an "Asian-only Christmas where we just do our own Asian thing." I was shocked because it had nothing to do with race - I was thinking about space, comfort levels, and very different celebration styles. My sisters boyfriend is white too, so it wasn't about excluding anyone based on race.

I ended up feeling so guilty that I changed my plans to invite his family, but I'm deeply troubled by his response and how quickly he turned a practical concern into a racial accusation. This isn't the first time he's done something like this - any discussion involving race tends to end badly.

I'm especially worried as we're expecting a child. What if our child had heard that comment?

Im also keen to hear from people in same race relationships, for Xmas if you were hosting at your home, do you also blend families - was it weird of me to say I didn't want to do that?

Whether you have or haven't what the hell do I do with this as feel really alone with this and could use some advice as I have no one I can talk to about this without judgement.

Well, I have noticed that, culturally, Indians do have a strong work ethic and are very industrious in many cities around the World. The mother is often called a Tiger mother - the kid is set homework each night and encouraged to work diligently in family businesses alongside the parents.

Of course, I am stating a gross generalisation. I am saying what I personally observe, an anecdote.

Your BIL might be comparing his wife to a less relaxed Indian Tiger mother. More a comment on the customs imposed and learnt incidentally at our mother's feet rather than racism..

Hello OP, sorry this is complicated. My best friend is white, married to an Asian man (who was born here). They don’t tend to celebrate Christmas with both families because a) lack of space but also b) my friends family are British and Christian and have a very traditional (but simple and really lovely) Christmas. Church, food, minimal presents, long walks. Her parents in law and siblings in law have embraced some cultural Christmas traditions but for them it’s all about lots of presents, lots of food (but not necessarily traditionally Christmassy food) and staying in watching TV and generally sitting around.

The two families both have a great time but in very different ways.

Both families meet during the year and are equally welcome at birthday parties etc (both grandchildren have summer birthdays so much easier to meet outside and have space!).

We don’t know nothing, I’m not just making it up. We do know the op is planning to cook, and planning to cook Indian food, & it is extremely reasonable to assume that she expects all her family will like that, any other conclusion would be very strange. We know that she expects her fil won’t like that. Here’s what she says - I plan to cook Indian food mainly too - I understand he would probably want a Roast diner and that's fine. Which is why I felt separate would be better.

so she’s not planning a traditional British meal. We know nothing about whether her dh can /will happily jump in and whip up a roast, I agree.

It's not a race issue. I think the problem is that daughters in law tend to favour their own families and think that their husband's family is second best. Maternal relatives come first so they get invited for Christmas day and the other side of the family have to settle for some other time. Suggest to your husband that HIS family come for Christmas day and yours for Boxing day?

And he will be cooking for everyone in the house you jointly own right?

@Keroppi the house is big but it would be tough seating 15 people together and stressful for me. I'm pregnant

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon previous years we used to go to both houses then decided it was too much so agreed to do alternate years but then the years he was supposed to come to mine he decided it's too mean on his family as he's an only child so still insisted on going to his.

To which I insisted on going to mine and therefore just said some years we will go separate and that's what we do

As a child my parents alternated my grandparents coming on Christmas Day & that’s a tradition that’s been continued now I’m an adult. I don’t think it’s unusual as it’s easier to host a smaller group & it can benefit the guests too.

@pizzaHeart I didn't consider that, do you think he has something against them? As in an underlying annoyance or resentment?

You didn’t answer whether he’s like this other times? Not just race. Is he generally mean to you?

if he isn’t, has the family thing come up before? Just playing devils advocate (and his comment was out of order btw) it can be hard to be from a quiet, reserved culture and be with a ‘louder’ (for want of a better word) culture. He may feel left out. Differences may be brought up unfavourably towards him such as ‘English people are cold’ - as jokes. Or do you speak another language at gatherings often? It can feel quite third wheely and othering - especially with a very strong cultural culture. (Am I making any sense?)

And how’s that going to work moving forward? When you have a child? You take the child off to your family on Xmas day while your husband is at his elderly parents?

Also:

Why if you are pregnant and have many young family members, aren’t getting some help for the day?

Why isn’t your husband assigned with tasks, for example food for his parents?

Finally, no one ever has enough room for guests at Christmas!!! That all part of it and why you end up with kids tables and garden chairs being brought in.

Like your husband, you are looking for excuses. You are putting up a fight over the sake of 4 people. Let your husband take care of them on the day, pick them up and drop them back home. If they are too tired with all the fun and games…then they can retire early and go home.

If it’s really going to be the big disaster you think it’s going to be….then surely showing your husband the reality would be in your favour moving forward when you have your own little family. But I suspect the day will go just fine.

Honestly; that's how it feels.

He often thinks his family should come first on Xmas day because;

A) they are older and he says he doesn't know how many xmases they have left
B) he knows how much it means to me (as if my presence doesn't mean anything to my family just because I have siblings)
C) because he's an only child and has no one else to make up for it

And says I'm the one being selfish when I'm the one who insists on rotating each year (which he when it came down to it still didn't want to do).

He also claims to be a non emotional guys who doesn't care about most things but he noticed Christmas really triggers and bothers him, more than me.

To me it's just a day but with that said, I'm not neglecting my family EVERY year because they're my family! And I love them.

He gets triggered by Xmas and I just don't understand it

I agree with this, why would he do this? Why is Christmas SO important to race guilt me into doing it what feels every year his way?

Last year I went to my families without him as I'd had enough of having to do what feels like ultimatums

@Sacmagic thank you your comment gives me some hope but I just don't get why he had to make it so hurtful and complicated

@lunar1 I hear you, conversations like what though? He is really weird how he opens up and often gets very stressed when talking about race issues particularly sensitive ones.

I don't know why and when try to explore he kinda just shuts down

If you have the space I think you should host them together - there’s no reason not to. Ask for help with the preparations and on the day. I do think your approach is a bit strange.

@Openmouthinsertfood it will actually be a blend of English food too.

I feel he is included but HE tends to get bored and sometimes shows it. That's not my problem.

I love his family but I don't show my boredom because it's rude

Actually I have no idea, because you'd have thought any race issues would have shown up before now!

I know DH and I had some issues initially, cultural differences we never realised were a thing. Just differences in upbringing, nothing major, just things we needed to talk through rather than argue and ignore.

I think it's important for your husband to know how racial divides might affect your child, because the rest of the world sadly brings enough issues to your doorstep without adding his own.

Maybe he has worried of his own and has expressed it badly, wanting to see you all as a complete unit without thinking it through.

@Devonshiregal not the first time he's said something spiteful, we do not talk in other languages ever.

It's frustrating because as POC we have to lose our culture every day in the workplace, everywhere so one time we want to keep our culture and we are accused on wanting to do our 'little POC thing', I was devastated by his comment.

This thread isn’t about Christmas, it’s you expressing anxiety about an unpleasant attack from your husband when you are pregnant. Better focus on that than discussing other people’s Christmas plans. His comment is weird in the circumstances.

@urbanbuddha what's strange about my approach?

Christmas is a time for family and you’re about to welcome a new member to both families. If you keep designate one room as a quiet sitting/tv/chat room I can’t see what the problem is.

I think you sound really thoughtful OP. Me and DH are both white, from the same city, very similar working class backgrounds, same number of siblings. We host our families separately because they're very, very different!!

One family likes a louder, boozy Christmas with card games, board games and quite relaxed. The other family is quiet and would hate it if we got out a board game. We've both come to appreciate how the other family likes their Christmas, but why should our families have to do that?

We do a year with each, with a year by ourselves in between each one. This works perfectly, especially as we have we each have three siblings so the parents rotate being hosted by one of their children each year now they're getting older.

I think your idea of alternating it fair and thoughtful, especially to his family because usually the louder and bigger family will set the tone for days like these. You could say his parents are welcome to join on your family's years, but that they'll have to be aware it will be different than what they're used to. It must be hard for your DH as an only child to know his parents are by themselves on Christmas day, so that would acknowledge that.

Having said all this, you need to have a serious conversation with DH about why he said what he did! He could be being manipulative. At the same time, something could have happened in a past meeting with your family to make him feel like this and you're not aware of it. I hope you get it sorted out and I hope your pregnancy goes well.

OP, is it that he thinks that Christmas isn't really "your" festival so he assumes that his family should have first dibs on it, or that their way of doing it is the only "right" one. (Assuming, of course, that your family aren't Christian, which I appreciate they might be.)

It doesn't sound like his elderly parents would enjoy the kind of lively celebration that you're planning with a range of different cusines, so your approach seems quite reasonable. What does he actually want? For your family to go along with his version of a traditional, quiet, staid Christmas with a roast etc. Surely he can see that it needs to be enjoyable for them too?

I'd be really concerned by him bringing race into the conversation and would want to have this out with him properly. There is a danger it will get worse when your dc comes along, so I think getting some counselling or something now might be a very good idea.

So…..what he said was correct then?

It wasn’t about race, it was about culture. That you wanted an Asian Christmas …and for that not be be ‘diluted’ by having his family there. You see it as preserving your traditions. Which means…none of his.

Is your family Christian? Surely if you are celebrating Christmas there is enough commonality between the two families to celebrate a culturally christian festival?

I also notice you are only responding to posters that are egging you on with the race issue and you aren’t answering any of the logical questions.