To be Concerned about husband's reaction to Xmas planning making it about race

[anonymousxmasposter]

I'm a British Asian woman married to a white man, and I'm currently pregnant with our first child. I need some advice about a situation that's really bothering me.

I suggested hosting Christmas this year but separately for our families - mainly because of logistics. My family is quite large (10 people), younger (mostly teens and twenty-somethings), and celebrates with music, games, and a lively atmosphere. His family is small (4 people), much older (60s-80s), more traditional, and quieter. His father has dementia and hearing difficulties, which makes large gatherings challenging for him.

When I suggested hosting our families separately to make everyone more comfortable, my husband immediately accused me of wanting an "Asian-only Christmas where we just do our own Asian thing." I was shocked because it had nothing to do with race - I was thinking about space, comfort levels, and very different celebration styles. My sisters boyfriend is white too, so it wasn't about excluding anyone based on race.

I ended up feeling so guilty that I changed my plans to invite his family, but I'm deeply troubled by his response and how quickly he turned a practical concern into a racial accusation. This isn't the first time he's done something like this - any discussion involving race tends to end badly.

I'm especially worried as we're expecting a child. What if our child had heard that comment?

Im also keen to hear from people in same race relationships, for Xmas if you were hosting at your home, do you also blend families - was it weird of me to say I didn't want to do that?

Whether you have or haven't what the hell do I do with this as feel really alone with this and could use some advice as I have no one I can talk to about this without judgement.

@MarkingBad never any issues. I mentioned age because I feel this is the reason preferences are different. Younger children tend to crate noise and chaos which older people don't! Their Xmas is usually very quiet and civilised

Are you ashamed of your husband or your family? You're definitely ashamed of one

@VegTrug I'm not being dumb here but can you elaborate rather than just short accusatory post. I'm genuinely interested in your thoughts

In my family and my parents' families, the only time the different sides of the families really mixed was weddings and christenings.
I've never had Christmas with my sister's in laws.

Accusatory? I'm only going on what you yourself have said? He's clearly resentful of your heritage and is defensively jumping to it at the first opportunity. He's a racist and I wouldn't be sticking around.

In other words, if he loved you enough he wouldn't even think of race. What he said, would be the last thing he thought, let alone said but that's just my opinion.

@VegTrug why be so judgmental when @Saschka been with her husband for years and her opinion is valid? It's clearly working for her.

@VegTrug I honestly wasn't being arsey I was curious to know your thoughts. Why do you think he's resentful of my heritage? In what way?

Is your house big enough to seat everyone comfortably and play games etc together? Or do you go to your mums/other house?
Could you do Xmas eve with his fam and then Xmas day at yours.
Or morning at home, then his parents for lunch, then your family for games and sleep over maybe.
I think you should look forwards ans think about how it will be once you have baby. You definitely won't want to be schlepping all over the place so you need to have that in the back of your mind - you could do Xmas day with them this year and then spend Xmas mornings at home from then on
Or alternate years with your family, his fam and at home Xmas etc
Try not to get stuck into patterns or traditions as hard to break expectations

Dunno why he's going on about Asian things/race? Is it a cultural or religious thing he thinks you do differently at xmas? Is he stupid or uninformed? Some anti racism person/I Don't See Race etc?

Maybe need to have a sit down chat about how u see baby's religion/cultural xps u want baby to have

Because my 76 year old mother doesn’t want to travel across the country to spend Christmas Day with DH’s dad and second wife? Okay sweetie 👍

He sounds like a tosser. If he had a couple of guys around he would NOT expect you to invite a few girlfriends because ‘it’s my house too’ he just sounds like he thinks he should always get his way and you don’t actually count.

He’s resentful of you expecting to count as a person, and finding ways to express that.

Also an Asian here with white DP.

No, we don't host the 2 families together. It just wouldn't work. The family dynamics are too different. My family are small but like drinking and gambling (playing cards for money) while his family, which is larger, are quintessentially English & tend to have traditional Christmas.

Unless it was a joke that fell flat, it sounds like there is some resentment going on there. Do you get on better with your family than he does with his? Do you see your family more? Is his perception that he is not included? How is he the rest of the time ie does he make digs at you about other things?

His father is going to hate it - too many younger people and too much noise. he will leave early.

What has happened in previous years ? who hosted where etc.

What an incredibly asinine comment.

Op stick to your plans of cooking Indian food. If he says what about turkey you say that’s a bit racist of you, or my dad won’t like that, you say I didn’t think so either but you called me racist when I said that, so I’m just cooking my food and I guess it’s up to you if he had a shit Christmas, it wasn’t my plan. If you hadn’t noticed I was really upset by your comment and now here you are pointing out your dad doesn’t like Indian food, no shit Sherlock.

We always have separate christmas celebrations. Mainly because we have 2 large families. 20 one side (inc older nieces BFs) and the other side is 16. So no we wouldn’t mix as it would be ridiculous!!
But even if it were smaller families I wouldn’t. Because then the other side would feel obliged to buy presents for the other where they wouldn’t normally. Plus my FIL does not get on well with noise. He tolerates his grandchildren as he does love seeing them even though the number of them and the volume gets too much for him, but he wouldn’t feel comfortable or relaxed with those who are not his actual family. And that’s not fair on him.

I don’t see the problem with you saying you want separate dinners.

What a horrible post, to state the OP isn’t loved by her husband and father of her child.

I doubt that a racist would want the families to be together and to enjoy Christmas equally

What is he is OP, is immature, reaching for anything that makes you doubt your decision because he feels slighted that his family isn’t included. He may think you feel embarrassed by his older relatives and their needs but he went around it in the most ludicrous way. Call him out on how stupid he is being, that you thought it would be better for his family to come on a different date but are happy to celebrate all together.

I couldn't disagree with you more.

Perhaps @anonymousxmasposter your DH thinks that you are somehow excluding his family, that's all. He may feel that they are being left out because you want to have an Asian style celebration.

Instead of posting on here for sour remarks to be flung at you, sit down and talk to your DH about what he said. Do you think in your heart of heart that he is racist? Perhaps he has heard something you have said differently? Maybe you need to speak to a counsellor to thrash out any lingering concerns relating to uniting your two families?

I actually think your plans for separate celebrations are very sensible. His older family are going to have less tolerance for noise and younger people. That tends to happen when people get older. How familiar are they with Asian culture? Have they spent much time together before?

We used to have an older family friend who spent Christmas Day with us and when the children came along, he stopped coming for the full day because he couldn't cope with the noise and the business. And that was fine - we delivered his Christmas dinner and he came down on Christmas night. My parents had two reception rooms so the older people tended to congregate more in one and the younger in the other.

I never, ever had both sets of families in our house at the same time, either than when we got married and when the children were baptised. They were totally different people with nothing in common except for us. We made separate arrangements and nobody was ever offended or upset. I think that's pretty normal.

Talk to your DH and sort things out with him. Explain why you made the suggestion and tell him that it's a practical one with no undertones of any negativity. Surely he must be able to see that it might just be easier and more enjoyable all round to host them separately? Your family members aren't married to your ILs!

OP, could you ask, (or do you already know), whether your DH used to have Christmas with Mum's parents and family one year, and Dad's the next, or did they always have both sets of grandparents, and aunts and uncles from both sides, around on Christmas day when he was a child? If that was the latter, then that might explain why he expects everyone all to celebrate together. However, if you've never asked, or it's not come up, then I would suggest that you ask him, and if that wasn't the case, then ask him why he thinks you should have both families with you on the same day.

As far as I can see, you had it in your head to celebrate a very thoughtfully planned Christmas, and I bet your DH's parents would MUCH prefer a less noisy celebration, than being sat together with lots of younger people, all making a noise, so that they can't hold a conversation, without frequently having to ask people to repeat themselves.

What seems weird to me, is that your DH seems to resent your family and background, as to comment on it being an "Asian-only Christmas ...." seems a very odd thing to say, when married to an Asian woman. Surely when you marry into a different race and culture, you expect to celebrate things in different ways, and ultimately come up with a mixture of the things you both enjoy doing, thereby creating your own traditions.

In your shoes I would be VERY unhappy with the comment he made, and ask him to explain himself, and don't allow him to fob you off either.

Oh. He's claiming his space and his wants and his needs and you can whistle for what you want.

What would he say if you told him to deal with his own side of the family, ie he invites, he cooks them the big roast, he gets in their favourite drink etc etc, and you invite yours and do your Asian cooking and party games? Would he kick off at that too or would he say great, love it!

Btw start opening your eyes, these little snippets of control and manipulation and just plain nastiness start when a woman is trapped, ie pregnancy or after the birth.

How on earth is that anyway to conduct yourself in a marriage. To be equally immature as the husband? What’s the best outcome to that scenario….a fight on Christmas Day?

No. She calls him out for his lunacy and they plan for the day together as a family. If his parents are tired out from the fun and games, then the husband can drive them home early.

Advising the OP to exclude others traditionally enjoyed feasts, of either culture group, is extremely immature

Rubbish.

I think your husband is being unreasonable here, not you. Your idea is a sensible one, that way each family can have their own traditions- an Asian Christmas and a non-Asian one. I don't know what his problem is. Is he usually such a grumpy arse?

Nasty, horrible and downright wrong!! Why rush to take the most negative view possible?

I think it he were any of those things then the OP might just have noticed by now?

Your opinion is horrible.

What did he mean by doing your own Asian thing? Does he feel excluded from your family gatherings? Language? You need to talk to him about why he mentioned race and what he meant by Asian thing? And then talk about Race in general, and how to approach various topics that concern race with each other and your child. It is an odd reaction, he could have just said to include his family. The race element is odd.