Boyfriends mum is upset that DP and I didn’t spend enough time with her on holiday

[Smokedicecream]

I have been with my partner for just over a year now, we are in our late 20s. She works for a travel agents so gets quite a big discount on some holidays. She said she wanted to go on holiday with us. I had my doubts because I didn’t know if it would be awkward, we aren’t particularly close. But DP thought it would be fun.

We went on holiday and she’s a big sunbather, she just wanted to lie around sunbathing and reading books, which is totally fine! No issue with it. But we like to go exploring and go to the beach and water parks etc. we asked her if she wanted to join us but she said no every time. Some days we did stay with her because at the end of the day, we were on holiday together and didn’t want her to just feel like she was on a solo holiday. But we get bored and antsy just sat around all day so would go and do thing. Even if it was just for a little walk to explore a bit, she didn’t want to come.

Now that we are back she has expressed to me that she felt very lonely and sad on the holiday and also made her realise that she is lonely in general because seeing myself and DP together and holding hands and laughing together etc made her upset. I think she felt a bit like a third wheel which we didn’t mean to do. We don’t do PDA, have never kissed or cuddled or acted inappropriate in public. But I think it just reaffirmed to her that she is alone, seeing us two enjoy a holiday together.

She seems to be expecting some kind of apology, she is acting angry with me (not sure why it’s just me) and saying she felt left out. She has expressed all of this to me via text and I haven’t responded yet. Am I the unreasonable one here? I just feel like, she went on holiday with a couple, didn’t want to do anything with us other than lie by the pool and is now upset about. But I don’t know how that’s my fault? I also paid for the holiday with my money and didn’t want to just hang around the hotel all day

Just leave it to your boyfriend to deal with. Forward him the texts. And remember if it comes up again that the discounts aren’t worth it!

Have you shown your dp? Let him address it. She's his mother.

Maybe just reply, sorry you feel that way and leave it at that

Not yet, she text me this morning so I will be telling him when he gets home from work tonight

She needs some friends. Not your responsibility or problem. She's an adult.

She is being ridiculous. You went on holiday with her at her request and made an effort to stay with her on some of the days while she just sunbathed. She refused to accompany you and her son on your outings even though she was invited. You made all the effort, she made none.

Send all the texts to your boyfriend & let him respond, after the two of you have discussed it.

im unsure how to reply to her text. I don’t want an argument or to make her feel worse but the holiday is done now so I don’t know what she wants me to do? Other than apologise which I don’t think I should do because I haven’t done anything

Send texts to boyfriend for him to reply.

I would forward to your BF and he must deal with her. But I'd probalby also respond with something a bit light like, "Oh, I'm sorry you felt that. We had a lovelt time with you and enjoyed explorign and doign activities - we're definitely not lie-on-the-beach-all-day people. Next time you'll have to bring a friend... or a boyfriend "

Absolutely do not apologise as you have done nothing wrong. She sounds very needy and demanding. Is she usually like that or was her behaviour on holiday and this text message a surprise?

You've got 2 options from where I stand:

1. Just ignore her texts until she says something less silly/immature.
2. Say something noncommittal like "Oh dear" or "I'm sorry you feel that way" as another PP suggested.

Are you sure she is looking for an apology and not just confiding in you about how lonely she feels? i.e. where you say made her realise that she is lonely in general because seeing myself and DP together and holding hands and laughing together etc made her upset that isn't necessarily anyone's fault, but you can imagine how someone might feel that way.

I wouldn't be making use of the discounts again. Seems not worth it for a cheap holiday.

Did you eat meals together? I guess it depends what relationship you want with her going forward if you want to step back and have your partner handle it then fine but if you want to be more of a close family then you could just say something like ‘I’m sorry you feel that way. I really enjoyed spending time with you on holiday and thought we had a lovely bonding time talking about x, eating at y blah blah’ maybe talk about it more next time you see her face to face

I firmly disagree with the whole let your boyfriend deal with it because she's his mum unless that is the precedent you are happy to set when it comes to his family. Personally I feel it is important to have a relationship with the inlaws independent of your partner. However in this case I wouldn't respond to the text till he gets home. I'd discuss it with him first and then either ring and speak to her together or have her over to yours and speak to her. I also would forget about any discounts she can get when booking a holiday and not agree to a joint holiday again. You made compromises on the holiday but it was your holiday as much as hers.

Your boyfriend needs to have a conversation with her about the fact that she only felt lonely because she refused to go with you, and she can't seriously expect you to sit on the beach all day just to keep her happy. If that's what she wants, she need to find a friend who has similar holiday tastes.

She really can't expect you to just do what she wanted all holiday. She's being ridiculous.
Also her being lonely isn't your responsibility

I think this is the kind of conversation you should have face to face rather than by text.
Rather than get into rights and wrongs, I think if bf (and you) can reassure her she is loved and appreciated that would go a long way.

Has it ever come up before ,like has she said her son doesn't spend any time with her. She went on holiday with a couple I don't know what she expected to happen . She was invited to go on excursions and didn't want to. Did she think it would be like a family holiday from when her son was a kid? I think maybe it highlighted that she feels lonely and didn't realise

You don't need to apologise.

I'd say something like 'thanks for sharing your feelings with me. I'm sorry to hear you feel lonely and seeing DP and I so happy together as a couple has compounded those feelings. If there's anything I can do to support you, let me know. Maybe we could grab a coffee at some point'

agree with this advice.

sensible to discuss it with him first and agree a united position. but you should respond to her directly and make it clear that you have both talked about this so your bf is aware.

Yes this type of response. Acknowledge her feelings as real to her, and focus on the relationship.

Is she opening up to you about feeling lonely in her life, rather than blaming you?

I would respond as if that was her gist.

e.g “it must be hard watching your son grow up and coming to terms with change. But be proud of the man and partner that he has become “

Or just be breezy “oh, you looked so serene and composed on your lounger! We had a lovely time and glad we were able to spend it with you, though it’s tricky when we are out-and-abouters and you are a sun goddess. Talk soon xx”

And then proceed with caution because if she was realising her own singledom and loneliness, she should have kept that for her own reflection, or talked about it more objectively. Very intense and needy to text you about it.

From your opening post, it sounds more to me like the holiday had held up a bit of a mirror to her re her own life and she didn't like what she saw.

Are you sure she's angry with you and not just venting to you?

If it made her realise that she is a bit lonely in general, maybe she thought it would open up a bit of a conversation, woman to woman?

Not saying I'm right but, if you read her message again through that lens, does it read differently?

It's just that you've taken it personally and as a criticism when she might not have meant it to come across like that.

Just an idea 🤷🏻‍♀️

Which is why you should just forward the texts onto your boyfriend to deal with and not do anything further.

His mother is a central fact in his life, and he knows her well, whereas she’s only in your life because of the man you’re currently seeing. If you ended the relationship, you’d never see her again. Her sending her son’s girlfriend rather than her son messages complaining about ‘leaving her out’ on holiday is an odd thing to do. I wouldn’t encourage the sexist view that it’s women’s job to ‘manage’ other people’s family relationships.