Boyfriends mum is upset that DP and I didn’t spend enough time with her on holiday

[Smokedicecream]

I have been with my partner for just over a year now, we are in our late 20s. She works for a travel agents so gets quite a big discount on some holidays. She said she wanted to go on holiday with us. I had my doubts because I didn’t know if it would be awkward, we aren’t particularly close. But DP thought it would be fun.

We went on holiday and she’s a big sunbather, she just wanted to lie around sunbathing and reading books, which is totally fine! No issue with it. But we like to go exploring and go to the beach and water parks etc. we asked her if she wanted to join us but she said no every time. Some days we did stay with her because at the end of the day, we were on holiday together and didn’t want her to just feel like she was on a solo holiday. But we get bored and antsy just sat around all day so would go and do thing. Even if it was just for a little walk to explore a bit, she didn’t want to come.

Now that we are back she has expressed to me that she felt very lonely and sad on the holiday and also made her realise that she is lonely in general because seeing myself and DP together and holding hands and laughing together etc made her upset. I think she felt a bit like a third wheel which we didn’t mean to do. We don’t do PDA, have never kissed or cuddled or acted inappropriate in public. But I think it just reaffirmed to her that she is alone, seeing us two enjoy a holiday together.

She seems to be expecting some kind of apology, she is acting angry with me (not sure why it’s just me) and saying she felt left out. She has expressed all of this to me via text and I haven’t responded yet. Am I the unreasonable one here? I just feel like, she went on holiday with a couple, didn’t want to do anything with us other than lie by the pool and is now upset about. But I don’t know how that’s my fault? I also paid for the holiday with my money and didn’t want to just hang around the hotel all day

This.

She showed you very early on in your relationship her true self, she is never going to change

Just read all your updates OP, just WTF she's batshit.

From an outsiders perspective OP, honestly, it’s really hard to not tell you that you should be running from this relationship as fast as you can. She is always going to be between you and your DP and you need to decide if you can be ok with that.

As PP have said "oh, I'm really sorry to hear you didn't enjoy it. That wasn't our intention at all."

Don't go into details pointing out how she should've joined in if she didn't want to feel left out (the sort of thing you have to explain to a 5yo, not an adult)!

Read your updates op it sounds like she has a disordered personality.

I bet she discussed holiday with the ex and has now reframed it in her mind.

She sounds self involved, controlling and narcissistic! I would probably say “sorry to hear you felt that way, we obviously have different ways we like to unwind on holidays. Perhaps ask Judy next time”.

I would never go on holidays with that woman again (or spend christmas/birthdays or any special occasion with her) - avoid avoid avoid at all costs! She is toxic. Toxic people don’t change and they have a way of making every situation about them and are always full of drama. They suck you dry and leave you emotionally drained.

You will be exhausted dealing with her long term - be kind to yourself and cut the strings! I have known a few people like this in my life and everytime you get sucked back in there is something else. If your partner wants her along on these big occasions I would suggest a new partner as you can’t have that in your life!

Bloody hell, in that case you were foolish to agree to go on holiday as a threesome.
She clearly has no proper boundaries if she thinks it's appropriate to play third wheel on her son's holiday with his girlfriend
Dont go on holiday with her again, obviously.
And be wary, this doesn't bode well for a positive relationship going forward. She could cause arguments between you and your boyfriend if he doesn't support you.

I think the best thing you could do, is to not reply to her message.

The message she sent us so.loaded. She contacted you, not her son. She's done it in writing, not in person, and specifically in a way that creates a record of how you responded.

You don't have a real relationship with her, and this screams of her trying to provoke a reaction.

If you reply, she's calling the shots. If you reply, you'll either be perceived as defending your actions, or attacking hers. Neither of which benefit you.

She's trying to poke the bear. Don't be the bear! Not responding at all gives you power in the interaction. Get comfortable with not responding. Not responding and not rising to the bait is such a powerful stance. No need to say or do anything. She sent a message. You read it. End of.

And while you're down there licking her shoes, you can reach up and polish her arsehole...

😏

Sorry @SoNiceToComeHomeTo , it's sweet of you to see it that way, but it sounds like she's a bully, and when you're kind to bullies, they take advantage...

Sounds like an interfering bitch. As I said, madness to agree to a holiday with her.

The fact that you went on holiday with this woman, after all this nonsense, indicates that you’re a much kinder person than she deserves.

I agree with most other posters. Send a screenshot of the messages to your DP (I actually wouldn’t wait for him to get home - give him time to think about it on his own) and let him handle things. Do not engage.

It was your holiday as well not just her's. She didn't want to do what you wanted it's not like you never invited her along. It was her choice to stay at the hotel sunbathing.

After your update, I'd still message to say it's a shame she didn't enjoy herself, but good thing to realise you're not compatible holidayers.

•No apology.
•Gets you out of future holidays.
•Sets your boundaries.
•Doesn't need bf handling it for you.

Keep placing your boundaries firmly without being rude and leave the ball in her court.

The way his mother treated you is awful. You kindly gave her a second chance by going on holidays. I would gently explain to your partner that you cannot take anymore from his mother. He has a chat with her and if she does not change her attitude towards you that you will go very low contact.

Thank you. Yes this is what I’ve decided I will do

From your updates it sounds like she was setting you (both) up to fail. I agree with PPs let your boyfriend deal with her.

i’d text ‘that’s a shame but we did try to include you. It seems we have different ideas of how a holiday should be so we shouldn’t together again’ no apology.

offer to help her get set up with online dating.

Considering her love for Exs why don't you tell her to give DPs father a call?

It sounds like mil has been on holiday with ds and his ex and they sat round the pool and stayed up late, so she was expecting this again as her son had done this previously. So the ex joined in with mil wants, and you stole him away from her. mil is definitely blaming you

id get your partner to point out that maybe this previous trips were not his idea of a holiday but he went along with it

point out she was invited to join you, you were back for dinner etc … but he gets to have his idea of a holiday now. as she has different expectations you are not compatible on holiday so won’t bother again. Mil should go with a friend who loves the pool!

dp needs to be firm that mil can accept your relationship or not… but if she doesn’t then she has to accept the results

I am of the camp that she shouldn't apologize because she has did nothing wrong and let her by deal with it but I recognize some people are not comfortable with that approach so your option 2 sounds like a good option to avoid confrontation and keep the peace and then refuse any future invitations.

And @Smokedicecream can tell her bf he is free to go on vacay with his mother once in a while if he wants without you. I guess this depends on his reaction if you show him the texts.

Hi Brenda, I’m surprised to hear this because I felt like we made an effort to try and include you but you often chose to stay alone by the pool. It sounds like we wanted different things out of the holiday so probably for the best we don’t all go on holiday together again.

I would write this: ‘I’m sorry you feel that way. I’ll speak to DP about it tonight.’

And then let him deal with it.