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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriends mum is upset that DP and I didn’t spend enough time with her on holiday

287 replies

Smokedicecream · 14/11/2024 10:17

I have been with my partner for just over a year now, we are in our late 20s. She works for a travel agents so gets quite a big discount on some holidays. She said she wanted to go on holiday with us. I had my doubts because I didn’t know if it would be awkward, we aren’t particularly close. But DP thought it would be fun.

We went on holiday and she’s a big sunbather, she just wanted to lie around sunbathing and reading books, which is totally fine! No issue with it. But we like to go exploring and go to the beach and water parks etc. we asked her if she wanted to join us but she said no every time. Some days we did stay with her because at the end of the day, we were on holiday together and didn’t want her to just feel like she was on a solo holiday. But we get bored and antsy just sat around all day so would go and do thing. Even if it was just for a little walk to explore a bit, she didn’t want to come.

Now that we are back she has expressed to me that she felt very lonely and sad on the holiday and also made her realise that she is lonely in general because seeing myself and DP together and holding hands and laughing together etc made her upset. I think she felt a bit like a third wheel which we didn’t mean to do. We don’t do PDA, have never kissed or cuddled or acted inappropriate in public. But I think it just reaffirmed to her that she is alone, seeing us two enjoy a holiday together.

She seems to be expecting some kind of apology, she is acting angry with me (not sure why it’s just me) and saying she felt left out. She has expressed all of this to me via text and I haven’t responded yet. Am I the unreasonable one here? I just feel like, she went on holiday with a couple, didn’t want to do anything with us other than lie by the pool and is now upset about. But I don’t know how that’s my fault? I also paid for the holiday with my money and didn’t want to just hang around the hotel all day

OP posts:
TypingoftheDead · 14/11/2024 12:03

Pickled21 · 14/11/2024 10:31

I firmly disagree with the whole let your boyfriend deal with it because she's his mum unless that is the precedent you are happy to set when it comes to his family. Personally I feel it is important to have a relationship with the inlaws independent of your partner. However in this case I wouldn't respond to the text till he gets home. I'd discuss it with him first and then either ring and speak to her together or have her over to yours and speak to her. I also would forget about any discounts she can get when booking a holiday and not agree to a joint holiday again. You made compromises on the holiday but it was your holiday as much as hers.

From the sounds of it OP isn’t actually married to her partner, so it probably does change how this should be dealt with. Agree with everything else though.

Autumnweddingguest · 14/11/2024 12:03

Often anger is masking profound sadness or fear and she's already pointed out how lonely she felt, so that is what the real issue is. Not you.

I'd reply to her texts with a shedload of love, telling her that she is a gorgeous person and you are so sorry she is feeling lonely as she deserves to be loved and with someone. I'd also say that you were genuine when you invited her along on outings but as she said no, you assumed she wanted some quiet time and are sorry this was a miscommunication. I'd end by saying you appreciated that she got this holiday deal for you and would like to take her out for dinner somewhere nice to say thank you - when is she free?

If she stays sulky and angry after that, it's her issue to deal with, not yours or her son's.

SereneFish · 14/11/2024 12:04

Smokedicecream · 14/11/2024 11:14

She could be, but it’s very out of character. We don’t have that kind of relationship, we got off to a bad start and have never really recovered much. We just kind of accept each other for the sake of DP. Her wording in the text seem to indicate that she blames us for excluding her and the holiday wasn’t what she expected or had in mind. If she’s just expressing herself then fine, but what’s the point… I don’t really know what to say to it.

Show quote history

You've just been on holiday together, perhaps she feels it's the right time to build bridges.

I would post the exact wording of the text to see how others interpret it.

RyderGangster · 14/11/2024 12:08

The DM has the option of going on more holidays with

Her son & yourself & make the most of it

Or

Her existing friends

Join solo group holidays

A cruise, where she has the opportunity to meet new people

You are not Her only option !

Original poster
Smokedicecream · 14/11/2024 12:09

ThatTealViewer · 14/11/2024 11:59

What was the awful behaviour when you first got together? What did she say/do?

Show quote history

3 months after we got together, DP had a birthday party. It was a room hired out in a bar. I went round to his house a few days before and his mum told me that she has invited his ex to his party. She said something along the lines of “she’s an amazing girl and I am friends with her and would like her to be there. Just letting you know” DP didn’t say anything about this and because the relationship was so new I didn’t know how much I could demand I wasn’t happy with. At the party, I bumped into his mum in the toilets and I said oh I have spoken to Dave’s ex just so it’s not awkward (because as soon as she walked in his family flocked around her and I felt a bit uncomfortable). She said “oh good. It’s a shame really because she is newly single so they could’ve got back together. But he’s with you now” I left the party straight away and decided it wasn’t worth continuing the relationship, but DP was devastated and convinced me not to end it. He spoke to his mum about it but she didn’t stop. Compared me to his ex at every opportunity. Would say things like “well judy would do this” and “when he was with just she did this” and “she was rough and ready whereas you’re a princess”. Shit hit the fan one night when me and DP went round to her house (invited, so she knew we were coming) and his ex was sat on the couch having a glass of wine with his mum.

they had an argument and we cut contact for a while. Since then, she hasn’t been too bad but we are never going to have a good relationship

OP posts:
Treesandsheepeverywhere · 14/11/2024 12:12

Smokedicecream · 14/11/2024 11:58

Yes his ex was more similar to his mum. I’m the opposite really. She had a good relationship with his ex so I think she is sad that she won’t have that relationship with me. But she could’ve had it if she wouldn’t have behaved so awfully when we first got together. I just don’t think I’m her type of person. I think she saw us as three friends going on holiday, but that’s not the case so I don’t know why she would expect it to be like that

Show quote history

Starting on the wrong foot, doesn't mean ending on the wrong foot.

I'll reply and say
"Hi Jane, its sad you felt left out on holiday. Thought you were happy lounging by the pool.
Anyway, good to realise early on that we are not holiday compatible.
I know what you mean about being single, maybe a singles holiday next time where you could meet someone?
Have a good weekend/see you on Sunday".

Nip it in the bud as if you were to get married, she'll expect to tag along and dictate how to spend the holidays.

(I actually have friends who met this way)

ManchesterLu · 14/11/2024 12:13

It's his responsibility to deal with the relationship with his mother - however, it's never fun being on holiday with people who have completely different expectations of the holiday.

I would be more like his mum - enjoying sunbathing, reading and maybe some swimming, but equally I would never expect anyone else to not go out for the day to stay with me. I would be 100% happy to chill out in the days and meet up for meals at night (or not if that didn't fit with what they were doing!)

AuroraBo · 14/11/2024 12:13

Omg she sounds a right cow. Your last post highlights some nasty behaviours.

Snoopdoggydog123 · 14/11/2024 12:14

I'd show him that text and ask him

  1. Is he worth you dealing with this nightmare in your life?
  2. When is he going to actually stop this BS or are you going to have to permanently stop it.
Hoppinggreen · 14/11/2024 12:15

Autumnweddingguest · 14/11/2024 12:03

Often anger is masking profound sadness or fear and she's already pointed out how lonely she felt, so that is what the real issue is. Not you.

I'd reply to her texts with a shedload of love, telling her that she is a gorgeous person and you are so sorry she is feeling lonely as she deserves to be loved and with someone. I'd also say that you were genuine when you invited her along on outings but as she said no, you assumed she wanted some quiet time and are sorry this was a miscommunication. I'd end by saying you appreciated that she got this holiday deal for you and would like to take her out for dinner somewhere nice to say thank you - when is she free?

If she stays sulky and angry after that, it's her issue to deal with, not yours or her son's.

Oh dear, I felt a bit sick reading that.
OP, you can be pleasant to this woman without sounding like a hallmark greetings card.

2Rebecca · 14/11/2024 12:16

I wouldn't go on holiday with her again. I think if you go with a couple you accept the couple spend some time together, especially if you like different things. Expecting your holiday to revolve around her is unreasonable. I think discussions like this are best done in person so I'd say very little by text maybe a "I'm sorry you didn't enjoy your time with us, I think we enjoy different types of holidays". It would make me consider your boyfriend, what man in his 20s thinks his mother tagging along on a holiday will be "fun". Her having no social circle is a red flag. She will want you 2 to be her entertainment particularly if you have children.

saraclara · 14/11/2024 12:17

I'd reply to her texts with a shedload of love, telling her that she is a gorgeous person and you are so sorry she is feeling lonely as she deserves to be loved and with someone.

Ugh. That's not only vomit inducing, @Autumnweddingguest but would also be an outright lie. Why would anyone do this?
There's nothing worse than false sentimentality.

CookieMonster28 · 14/11/2024 12:19

She sounds like an absolute horror. I'd speak to your partner when he's home tonight and compose a reply together! If he's funny about it or worried about upsetting her - take it as a bit of a red flag for what the future may hold...

lawlessland · 14/11/2024 12:19

She sounds awful and I wouldn't want to have much to do with her. I really can't understand how this holiday even happened after everything that went on when you got together.

Leave it to him to deal with and this will be a good test of whether your relationship can work.

Unless he was my dream guy I'm not sure it would be worth the grief for me personally.

RandomMess · 14/11/2024 12:21

Perhaps suggest next time she goes with his ex rather than you 2 seeing as though they get on so well.

Really though your DP needs to phone her and discuss rather than risk reading the text and the tone of it wrongly.

CarrotsAndCheese · 14/11/2024 12:21

2Rebecca · 14/11/2024 12:16

I wouldn't go on holiday with her again. I think if you go with a couple you accept the couple spend some time together, especially if you like different things. Expecting your holiday to revolve around her is unreasonable. I think discussions like this are best done in person so I'd say very little by text maybe a "I'm sorry you didn't enjoy your time with us, I think we enjoy different types of holidays". It would make me consider your boyfriend, what man in his 20s thinks his mother tagging along on a holiday will be "fun". Her having no social circle is a red flag. She will want you 2 to be her entertainment particularly if you have children.

It would make me consider your boyfriend, what man in his 20s thinks his mother tagging along on a holiday will be "fun".

Yes @Smokedicecream , why did he think it would be fun, especially given your recent update? I was giving her the benefit of the doubt earlier but she sounds like a nightmare.

Edited as tagged PP instead of OP by mistake.

Compash · 14/11/2024 12:21

Smokedicecream · 14/11/2024 12:09

3 months after we got together, DP had a birthday party. It was a room hired out in a bar. I went round to his house a few days before and his mum told me that she has invited his ex to his party. She said something along the lines of “she’s an amazing girl and I am friends with her and would like her to be there. Just letting you know” DP didn’t say anything about this and because the relationship was so new I didn’t know how much I could demand I wasn’t happy with. At the party, I bumped into his mum in the toilets and I said oh I have spoken to Dave’s ex just so it’s not awkward (because as soon as she walked in his family flocked around her and I felt a bit uncomfortable). She said “oh good. It’s a shame really because she is newly single so they could’ve got back together. But he’s with you now” I left the party straight away and decided it wasn’t worth continuing the relationship, but DP was devastated and convinced me not to end it. He spoke to his mum about it but she didn’t stop. Compared me to his ex at every opportunity. Would say things like “well judy would do this” and “when he was with just she did this” and “she was rough and ready whereas you’re a princess”. Shit hit the fan one night when me and DP went round to her house (invited, so she knew we were coming) and his ex was sat on the couch having a glass of wine with his mum.

they had an argument and we cut contact for a while. Since then, she hasn’t been too bad but we are never going to have a good relationship

Show quote history

Woah horsie. I wouldn't have gone on holiday with her after that. That is very rude behaviour.

AuroraBo · 14/11/2024 12:22

she sounds bloody awful but it might be the loneliness talking? I think your DP should talk to his mum about what she could do to feel less lonely. Help her think about her hobbies and interests and what’s going on locally or abroad. He should also ask her to stop talking about his ex as comparing is silly and nasty.

i think you should say something short and sweet like ‘oh I enjoyed spending time with you on holiday, you must come on our little day excursions next time. Sorry to hear your feeling lonely, are there any local activity groups you can join?’

Bunnyhair · 14/11/2024 12:23

Oof, this sounds like a very tricky situation.

I think I’d reply ‘I’m so sorry the holiday brought up such difficult feelings for you. We’d have loved to have you join us on our walks, but had the impression that you were enjoying peace and quiet in the sun with your book. Please be assured it was never our intention for you to feel left out.’

And then see how she replies.

On a different note, how certain are you about this relationship? I would think carefully about getting too involved with someone whose relationship with their mother is so enmeshed that he thinks it would be ‘fun’ to go on holiday with her, when he is presumably aware that she is quite needy - and where she feels it’s appropriate to unburden herself of her feelings of loneliness to her son’s gf who she hardly knows.

ETA just read about the birthday thing. I’d get out of this relationship pronto.

thepariscrimefiles · 14/11/2024 12:24

Her previous behaviour towards you was so inappropriate and spiteful that I wouldn't want anything to do with her. Even after what she's said and done to you, you still tried to build bridges by going on holiday with her. I wouldn't bother any more.

thebrowncurlycrown · 14/11/2024 12:24

This is her problem, not yours. Let your bf handle it.

Hoppinggreen · 14/11/2024 12:25

Compash · 14/11/2024 12:21

Woah horsie. I wouldn't have gone on holiday with her after that. That is very rude behaviour.

Show quote history

I wouldn't be in a room with the cow after that, let alone go on holiday with her.

2Rebecca · 14/11/2024 12:25

I would not be sending any text suggesting you'd be holidaying with her again. She can find some friends to go with. She must only be in her 40s or 50s. She should not be that dependent on her son and his partner

Snoopdoggydog123 · 14/11/2024 12:26

AuroraBo · 14/11/2024 12:22

she sounds bloody awful but it might be the loneliness talking? I think your DP should talk to his mum about what she could do to feel less lonely. Help her think about her hobbies and interests and what’s going on locally or abroad. He should also ask her to stop talking about his ex as comparing is silly and nasty.

i think you should say something short and sweet like ‘oh I enjoyed spending time with you on holiday, you must come on our little day excursions next time. Sorry to hear your feeling lonely, are there any local activity groups you can join?’

Why is it on the oP to pacify her with bullshit and lies?

CarrotsAndCheese · 14/11/2024 12:26

thepariscrimefiles · 14/11/2024 12:24

Her previous behaviour towards you was so inappropriate and spiteful that I wouldn't want anything to do with her. Even after what she's said and done to you, you still tried to build bridges by going on holiday with her. I wouldn't bother any more.

I agree