Boyfriends mum is upset that DP and I didn’t spend enough time with her on holiday

[Smokedicecream]

I have been with my partner for just over a year now, we are in our late 20s. She works for a travel agents so gets quite a big discount on some holidays. She said she wanted to go on holiday with us. I had my doubts because I didn’t know if it would be awkward, we aren’t particularly close. But DP thought it would be fun.

We went on holiday and she’s a big sunbather, she just wanted to lie around sunbathing and reading books, which is totally fine! No issue with it. But we like to go exploring and go to the beach and water parks etc. we asked her if she wanted to join us but she said no every time. Some days we did stay with her because at the end of the day, we were on holiday together and didn’t want her to just feel like she was on a solo holiday. But we get bored and antsy just sat around all day so would go and do thing. Even if it was just for a little walk to explore a bit, she didn’t want to come.

Now that we are back she has expressed to me that she felt very lonely and sad on the holiday and also made her realise that she is lonely in general because seeing myself and DP together and holding hands and laughing together etc made her upset. I think she felt a bit like a third wheel which we didn’t mean to do. We don’t do PDA, have never kissed or cuddled or acted inappropriate in public. But I think it just reaffirmed to her that she is alone, seeing us two enjoy a holiday together.

She seems to be expecting some kind of apology, she is acting angry with me (not sure why it’s just me) and saying she felt left out. She has expressed all of this to me via text and I haven’t responded yet. Am I the unreasonable one here? I just feel like, she went on holiday with a couple, didn’t want to do anything with us other than lie by the pool and is now upset about. But I don’t know how that’s my fault? I also paid for the holiday with my money and didn’t want to just hang around the hotel all day

She sounds like a fucking nightmare.

I think the text you have from her, yet to deal with, is just the tip of the iceberg OP given this latest update.

Are you absolutely sure you really want to be with a partner whose mother treats you like this? It will be a constant up hill struggle until you snap and have to go NC with her. I just couldn't be arsed with all that but I'm probably a lot older than you.

Reading your updates your never going to be good enough. She wants to blame you for everything I'd cur contact permanently. What a disgusting way to treat you

I think I’d reply ‘I’m so sorry the holiday brought up such difficult feelings for you. We’d have loved to have you join us on our walks, but had the impression that you were enjoying peace and quiet in the sun with your book. Please be assured it was never our intention for you to feel left out.’

That's what I'd go with. It's calm, empathetic without being trite, and explanatory.

I'd tell her that she needs to talk with her son about the points she's raised rather than you.

After your latest update, definitely talk with your partner and find out if you're on the same page.

Unfortunately, I'd be having a long serious think about whether your relationship is tenable long term, she sounds an utter manipulative nightmare.

I don't believe kindness towards her will work, it will need to be boundaries, boundaries, boundaries, as she shows absolutely no respect towards your relationship with your partner.

I think this looks like a ploy to put a wedge between you and your partner with a "she said xyz" - don't be alone with her, it will be tears, tantrums and drama while she is so misunderstood.

She sounds like a total nightmare. Don’t reply to the message, let your partner deal with this. Keep your distance from this woman, she does not have your best interests at heart. Do not bend to her will and do not enter her games.

given your latest update i'm changing my previous advice - i would not respond. tell your partner and let him deal with it.

i agree with @Timeforabiscuit as well. have a careful think about staying in this relationship, if you have kids etc.

I wouldn't reply. Just fwd to your bf and ask him to handle it.

She’s being ridiculous, you have done absolutely nothing wrong!

And the fact she is addressing this directly with you and not your partner, I feel I am seeing more and more of this on mumsnet! MILS who have issues with their son and his wife, or son and his girlfriend, but always take it up with the woman! What is this about? Why is she not speaking to her son about this, why is it your fault? Crazy.

She didn't "give the impression" that she wanted to be with her books on a sunbed, she was invited each time and refused. I wouldn't be sending a text implying I wanted to spend more time with her, I'd also wonder why the woman didn't send say this stuff to her son. She seems to be trying to blame the OP for her own decisions.

Your DP needs to address the issue around the ex. Keep out of that. Make sure he knows

As for the message you could reply something like 'I'm sorry the holiday wasn't what you wanted' as it's sad she didn't enjoy it but it isn't you apologising for anything you or DP have done/not done.

I wouldn’t get into a debate about it. I’d either ignore it completely (and leave DP to decide if he wants to say something directly) or send a bland response about it being a shame and thanking her for arranging the holiday. Then I’d just swerve her as much as possible in future.

Your DP needs to address the way in which she disrespects you if he wants you to be anything more than distant but civil.

After reading about how she was at your boyfriend’s party towards you I wouldn’t text back, she is hoping for an argument. Let your boyfriend deal with her and next time any holiday, day out invites come your way I would turn down!

When she invited herself along on your holiday what really meant was that she wanted you and DP to go on her holiday and do what she wanted. But by saying it your holiday meant you paid and didn't expect her to.
You didn't spot her agenda so now she's annoyed.
How do you think DP will react?

In that case, it does seem odd that should would mean it in a negative way, are you absolutely sure she's not reaching out to you? I know you are taking it a certain way, probably because of her past behaviour, but I wouldn't expect someone I'm not close to to share such a vulnerability and confide in me that they feel that way, if it was just about the holiday she wouldn't have shared that she feels lonely in general surely?

Now that we are back she has expressed to me that she felt very lonely and sad on the holiday and also made her realise that she is lonely in general because seeing myself and DP together and holding hands and laughing together etc made her upset.

Without her exact words, and knowing her relationship/friends history it's hard to judge, but I'd be inclined to treat this at face value to be honest, and come at it from an understanding point of view, maybe offer to meet up sometimes just the two of you, the good thing about that is if it is a sly dig at you she won't have got the result she wanted if you respond nicely to it, and if it is something genuine, then you've not missed an opportunity to maybe become a bit friendlier with her.

she sounds like a right nightmare. First all the stuff with his ex, then asking you to stay up?

WTF?

see how your bf reacts. That will tell you a lot about how this relationship will pan out in the future. But in any case, I'd be blocking her, because... nobody needs that kind of shitty behaviour in their lives.

Basically she doesn't like you and she's going to use anything she can as a rod to beat you. You could have done everything exactly the way she wanted it on the holiday and I guarantee she still would have found fault with you. And if she was genuinely upset then she would have spoken directly to her ds rather than speaking to you. She's going to be a nightmare in your life if this isn't nipped in the bud.

Let your dp deal with this. And don't go on holiday with her again.

Given your later updates and descriptions of her behaviour there is NO way I would have gone on holiday with her.

My fantasy reply to her text would be “‘maybe go on holiday with Ex next time”… but don’t actually do that.

Don’t reply. Discuss with Dp. Don’t countenance any apology. She is on borrowed time.

She sounds like a right bitch. Well done for being gracious enough to share a holiday with her - I wouldn't. And why is she bitching to you rather than to her son? She is going to be the MIL from hell if you and your OH get married - sorry.

Agree to discuss any response with your partner. Perhaps a short response - I am sorry you feel this way. It looks like we have discovered that our holiday styles doesn't match up too well. We struggled to spend all day at the pool, I am not much of an night owl and you didn't want to join us out and about.
Obviously discuss with partner what you suggest going forward - I'd recommend separate holidays from now on.

I'd end this relationship unless it becomes very clear that your partner will have your back, should you have children of your own.
This woman has behaved appallingly to you.

I know, a few people have said they wouldn’t have gone on the holiday. However we have been together a year and 5 months to be exact, so all of that that happened at the very start was just over a year ago. I thought maybe she wanted to get along and thought it would be a nice thing to do so I decided to put in the effort and go. The holiday itself was fine. It’s just this text afterwards that I’m confused about

She's being very unreasonable and immature. Has she complained to your bf or just you? Reading a book is hardly something you can do with someone else!

Reading your final update I’m amazed you have anything to do with this woman let alone go on holiday with her. I’d be pulling right back. And reevaluating the relationship he sounds very tied to her