Boyfriends mum is upset that DP and I didn’t spend enough time with her on holiday

[Smokedicecream]

I have been with my partner for just over a year now, we are in our late 20s. She works for a travel agents so gets quite a big discount on some holidays. She said she wanted to go on holiday with us. I had my doubts because I didn’t know if it would be awkward, we aren’t particularly close. But DP thought it would be fun.

We went on holiday and she’s a big sunbather, she just wanted to lie around sunbathing and reading books, which is totally fine! No issue with it. But we like to go exploring and go to the beach and water parks etc. we asked her if she wanted to join us but she said no every time. Some days we did stay with her because at the end of the day, we were on holiday together and didn’t want her to just feel like she was on a solo holiday. But we get bored and antsy just sat around all day so would go and do thing. Even if it was just for a little walk to explore a bit, she didn’t want to come.

Now that we are back she has expressed to me that she felt very lonely and sad on the holiday and also made her realise that she is lonely in general because seeing myself and DP together and holding hands and laughing together etc made her upset. I think she felt a bit like a third wheel which we didn’t mean to do. We don’t do PDA, have never kissed or cuddled or acted inappropriate in public. But I think it just reaffirmed to her that she is alone, seeing us two enjoy a holiday together.

She seems to be expecting some kind of apology, she is acting angry with me (not sure why it’s just me) and saying she felt left out. She has expressed all of this to me via text and I haven’t responded yet. Am I the unreasonable one here? I just feel like, she went on holiday with a couple, didn’t want to do anything with us other than lie by the pool and is now upset about. But I don’t know how that’s my fault? I also paid for the holiday with my money and didn’t want to just hang around the hotel all day

Just be vague and say sorry you didn't enjoy the holiday. And leave it to your bf to give excuses.

What did she expect! She's a bit immature and needy. Show you partner and let him deal. I think if you reply. Sorry to hear this it may antagonise the situation. Equally her issues are nothing to do with you and she shouldn't be making you feel guilty. Definitely no further holidays with her.

In an imaginary message you do not send....

"I can't apolgise for not being a big drinker.
Nor for not being XGF.
Nor that you are single & seeing us as a couple highlights this.
Nor that we are of another generation, who don't exclusively want to lie by the pool.
We offered at every turn to include you but you refused
BF stayed up to hold up the bar with you, I did not complain.

This is not really a "me" problem.
I really thank you for enabling us to get a reduced cost holiday.
You should go on holiday again with some closer friends who want to lizard by the pool bar & not blame me that we do not have the same expectations of a holiday

She sounds very lonely, it has come to a head as you have identified. I hope she is not angry with you, it is most likely that she is letting out her emotions, it is good she feels she can but not good to be done in a way that it upsets you. Maybe the accidental tone of the text is harsh, perhaps she would be horrified to hear how she has come across.
Text her “ Julie, I am so sorry we spent less time with you than you would have liked. I honestly thought you liked quiet sun time and were happy for us to do our thing. We definitely did not want to cause you upset but I am really worried that you sound a little bit cross with me. I hope we can have a coffee and chat and put this behind us. I am always here if you need a listening ear. Much love Emma.”

This for sure!

It's so interesting that he says his approach is to just ignore her when she messages like that. My husband has the very same approach with his controlling and manipulative parents. As soon as they met she turned on me in just the same way you described. Messages to tell me off, express disappointment and let me know she's not happy. 18 years and two children later we have rubbed along like this until the straw that broke the camels back a couple of months ago when she started messaging me almost obsessively. I just saw the light and did exactly the same and stopped responding. She's left me alone since but we have met them for a sunday dinner. It was overly polite and fake but I've accepted that's the way now and I will ignore any negative messages too. I would also say watch out for the overly nice ones or the ones asking questions out of the blue. Manipulative people can be very underhand

She doesn't sound upset with you, more upset with some aspects of her life, illuminated by the holiday.

Thank her for the generous discount and say how much you loved the holiday and the times you spent getting to know her too.
Say that you are sorry she feels so lonely and maybe it's time for her to look for a new partner.

If she asks you on holiday again, suggest she brings along a friend who likes similar relaxation.

My top tip is to speak to the emotion not the facts.
Factually you did nothing wrong. Emotionally, BF’s mum is sad and lonely.

I would reply “Reading this was really hard. I’m so sorry you felt that way. I want you to know you’re a very significant person in our lives. We hate the thought of you being lonely and I’m so glad you were able to share your feelings with us. Sending a big hug”

Jeez why did you ever entertain the idea of holidaying with her???

FWIW I’d be giving a sharp response to that text “a shame you didn’t want to join in on all the things we invited you to, staying up late drinking and lying by a pool all day really not my thing on holiday, I hope you find a like minded holiday buddy in future”

Please look to yourself and your boyfriend. This is your and his life, not hers. Imagine if she became your mother in law. Set the rules now so you don't have to back track years down the line if you do get married. She is an adult and must be responsible for her own social life.

There are so many lovely men out there.

There are fewer who actually have their feet on the ground and make their own decisions and stand by them.

If you marry and have kids, this is the tone. He will ignore problems or go along with his family because he perceives it as easier. Or worse, he is two faced and happy for you to perceive them as the problem when he actually enjoys the drinking dynamic. Its not sexy.

I'm sure he is a lovely boyfriend but perhaps not the man to marry and have kids with. These are the kind of issues that result in breakups of long term relationships just before your 30s, when you realise you're going to be saddling yourself with this dynamic for life and bringing a child into it.

Trust me, there are men that don't do this and as you getnolder you realise you are picking a father for your kids, not a hot boyfriend who tu have fun with. Both stages are OK. But I don't think anyone talks about this stuff enough.

The drinking is a huge red flag.

Like he doesn’t actually go out that much anymore, he just goes out on a Friday night after work. But whenever his family are involved it’s like he can’t say no to his mum.

His family are likely to be alcoholics as they view drinking alcohol as an essential part of their lives and can’t seem to fathom that life is perfectly fine without having to drink alcohol.

I’d be worried that your partner will slowly slip further into their ways because his mum clearly wants him to behave exactly like them. She sounds scared of sobriety otherwise, she would have accepted him not drinking with them at lunchtime, like any normal person would.

Does he accept his family has a drink problem? Is he able to have just two drinks in an evening then switch to non alcoholic or does he carry on drinking to keep up with his family and friends?

My DH grew up with an alcoholic father and thought drinking was normal and fine too but after years of serious drinking, he’s been sober for over 30yrs now.

There is also value in just being blunt and replying to MIL head on and seeing where the chips fall. It will force DP to take a position and save you years of crap only to break up if you aren't on the same page.

OP, it is really no fun to be married into a family of heavy drinkers.
It dominates everything and is associated with fall outs, drama and generally awful behaviour.

Is this really what you want to be associated with?

A year in and she’s showing her true colours. Forward them to DP to deal with but tell him you are going to text her to tell her what you’ve done. She needs to know that you won’t deal with this kind of thing but also that you are not going to hide behind DP if she is unreasonable to you directly.

I’d text something like “Did you mean to send that text to me because that’s a conversation you need to have with DP. I’ve forwarded it to him so he should get back to you later. But I am sorry you didn’t enjoy the holiday. Wish you’d said so at the time.”

This is exactly it.

I rarely drink at all (maybe one glass of Prosecco a year or something !) and I’ve noticed some people seem offended by it and get a bit prickly when I say I’m not a drinker or question why I don’t drink which is bizarre. I usually turn the question around on them and ask why they drink.

I’ve always felt deep down they know they drink too much and somehow feel embarrassed by me not drinking at all.

I won’t just bring it up to everyone I meet, but if it comes up in conversation like they ask me if I went to any bars on holidays or if I’m going to be drunk at the work Christmas party etc

if you go beyond the surface you’ll probably find there’s deep trauma this family are trying to mask with drink or somehow due to unhealthy dynamics it’s become their main way of bonding.

Unfortunately this is always going to be a problem.

Problem 1. the attitude of the mum/family
Problem 2. not his fault as such but being brought up in an alcohol environment and having a different attitude about it to you.

It'll probably be for the best if you end the relationship now and look elsewhere.

Otherwise you'll just go in circles for months/years and then eventually come to the same conclusion.

You absolutely don’t need to apologise for your behaviour - but you can express sympathy for her feelings - you can validate her loneliness without taking responsibility for it

Hi MIL, thanks for letting me know how you feel - I’m sorry you are feeling lonely and that being away with us highlighted that.

I wonder if we have really different expectations for what we do on holiday (I’m such an explorer and I get fidgety sunbathing all day!) - and we could have set clearer expectations with each other about what we got up to in the day!

Lets talk about this together with DP soon

lots of love

See those hills over there?
Run for them. Now. Quickly
Do not tolerate this toxic woman and her spineless son any longer

@Smokedicecream how are you doing?

What's your plans for Christmas? Hopefully not with dp's family?

I would reply that you are upset that she didn't spend time with you and her son. That she didn't even suggest doing anything other than lying around sunbathing, which isn't your bag. Would also show your partner the messages from her so he is fully on board with her 'gaslighting' .

Trust me, there are men that don't do this and as you getnolder you realise you are picking a father for your kids, not a hot boyfriend who tu have fun with. Both stages are OK. But I don't think anyone talks about this stuff enough
@BeensOnToost

Not everyone wants or can have kids. I think OP said she’s not having children.

But either way, I do think children or not it’s important to be with a man that will have your back and not let his mum continue to make little digs at you.

OP, I feel like whatever you did on that holiday wouldn’t have been good enough for her.

She is going to keep setting up tests whereby she gives you a fail! Best thing to do is not participate. Don’t pander to her.

Your boyfriend should let her know her behaviour was appalling at the beginning of your relationship and this is you being kind enough to give her a second chance
and she should really take the opportunity.

Let her know you’re not the one on trial here.

+1 on this. Do you really want this to be your life? Kids or no kids, it sounds exhausting.

Focus only on the fact she felt lonely seeing you as a couple together.

This is the issue.

This may be why she texted you, not her own son.

Offer sympathy and support and your suggestions on how to help her get out there and find a someone and a life that doesn't need the two of you replacing a relationship.

Don't get annoyed about how she is phrasing it, and don't get into a text conversation. Those can be mis read and come back to bite you.

Instead you and your BF be united together in a kindly intent to help her. Any attempt at her saying you left her alone needs to be briskly brushed aside with 'we all discussed chose to do the thing we wanted to do on holiday.' Then back to the actual issue - she needs friends, a romantic interest and a life.