Boyfriends mum is upset that DP and I didn’t spend enough time with her on holiday

[Smokedicecream]

I have been with my partner for just over a year now, we are in our late 20s. She works for a travel agents so gets quite a big discount on some holidays. She said she wanted to go on holiday with us. I had my doubts because I didn’t know if it would be awkward, we aren’t particularly close. But DP thought it would be fun.

We went on holiday and she’s a big sunbather, she just wanted to lie around sunbathing and reading books, which is totally fine! No issue with it. But we like to go exploring and go to the beach and water parks etc. we asked her if she wanted to join us but she said no every time. Some days we did stay with her because at the end of the day, we were on holiday together and didn’t want her to just feel like she was on a solo holiday. But we get bored and antsy just sat around all day so would go and do thing. Even if it was just for a little walk to explore a bit, she didn’t want to come.

Now that we are back she has expressed to me that she felt very lonely and sad on the holiday and also made her realise that she is lonely in general because seeing myself and DP together and holding hands and laughing together etc made her upset. I think she felt a bit like a third wheel which we didn’t mean to do. We don’t do PDA, have never kissed or cuddled or acted inappropriate in public. But I think it just reaffirmed to her that she is alone, seeing us two enjoy a holiday together.

She seems to be expecting some kind of apology, she is acting angry with me (not sure why it’s just me) and saying she felt left out. She has expressed all of this to me via text and I haven’t responded yet. Am I the unreasonable one here? I just feel like, she went on holiday with a couple, didn’t want to do anything with us other than lie by the pool and is now upset about. But I don’t know how that’s my fault? I also paid for the holiday with my money and didn’t want to just hang around the hotel all day

I would go with this. I think if it ever comes up again about going on holiday together, encouraging her to bring a friend for company (ideally someone who wants to sit on the beach all day) is the way to go.

Let him deal with it, don't respond at all.
What did she expect going on holiday with a couple? As long as you didn't actively exclude her (which it sounds like you didn't) then she's got no cause for complaint

Id say 'omg im so sorry. I just assumed you wanted to spend the time at the hotel. You should have come with us when we offered. We really wanted you to! Sounds like a bit of a miscommunication!

Then dont go on holiday with her again

Are you sure she is 'blaming' you or looking for an apology? It makes perfect sense that she felt a bit lonely and like a third wheel and it's good that she's realised it's a wider issue. She should be able to share this without you taking it personally (assuming she is just sharing). I would empathise, but not apologise.

Don’t apologise, she’s being ridiculous. She felt like a third wheel because she was a third wheel. I’d respond along the lines of …
‘It is a shame we couldn’t spend more time together but we just enjoy spending our time differently on holiday. Im sorry you felt lonely’.

Are you sure she's blaming you? Is she just expressing herself.

Maybe respond something like. Oh I'm sorry that you felt lonely and that this has made you realise you'd like more connection in your life. Is there anyway I can help you get out and meet new people? How about XYX?

Clearly you are not responsible for her loneliness but it'd be kind to help her a bit.

Great advice. This, OP.

I think I would go with the kind of non-apology as people have suggested with 'I'm sorry to hear you feel that way' maybe with an added 'we really did want you to join us on our excursions. But as you turned down every invitation, we assumed you were happier relaxing by the pool.'
Ie remind her she chose to be on her own for a large proportion of it.

What would she do for holidays if you didn't go with her?

You can address this without a full on apology (I agree that, on the basis of your first post, you don’t have anything to say sorry for).

Something like: “DP and I really enjoyed the holiday and thought you had too. We both get a bit stir-crazy when we’re not doing anything which is why we took the opportunity to go for walks. I’m sorry that you felt left out, but that wasn’t at all our intention and I liked spending time with you without all the pressures of daily life getting in the way.”

You just need to chuck a bone to her, IMO, to grease the wheels of the relationship. All the rest of it, about her loneliness etc, isn’t something you should be dealing with, but she’d clearly built up a level of expectation before the holiday which was probably never going to be met.

I would probably reply with something like sorry you feel that way. You were more than welcome to join us on our outings. Sorry we are not pool people.

And then let you DP handle it

This is perfect. Validates her feelings but without your accepting fault.

You need to put firm boundaries in place with her now before she ends up being your future mil from hell. Ridiculous woman. If she’s lonely she needs to make her own circle of friends, not rely on you two to fill the voids. Definitely let your dp deal with her (but suggest you both discuss what he should say) or you will be her default recipient for complaining.

This is really great advice OP

Next time you'll have to bring a friend... or a boyfriend

That seems like rubbing salt in the wound. I’d be extremely surprised if that went down well.

I would not respond before having talked about this with your BF. It’s his DM and he’ll know how to handle this.

She could be, but it’s very out of character. We don’t have that kind of relationship, we got off to a bad start and have never really recovered much. We just kind of accept each other for the sake of DP. Her wording in the text seem to indicate that she blames us for excluding her and the holiday wasn’t what she expected or had in mind. If she’s just expressing herself then fine, but what’s the point… I don’t really know what to say to it.

Thanks for all of the replies. I am going to take the advice of what most people have said and wait until DP gets home and then reply or ring her

If she’s not generally a bit of a twat, I’d pull on my kindness pants. Maybe suggest you and her doing something like visiting a Christmas market and use it to gently discuss ways she could improve her social life.

If you think this is your relationship for life, she’s going to be your MIL one day.

Of course if she is generally a bit of a twat, roll your eyes and let your partner deal with it.

Did she pay for the holiday?

If she paid for it, she may have been expecting you to all spend more time together on her terms, rather than you two going off on your own all the time and treating it like a holiday of your own, what did you do in the evenings? Did you spend time together then? or did you go out as a two again?

I think my answer would be a bit different depending on who paid.

If you split the cost then you are entitled to enjoy the holiday exactly as you wanted, if she paid, you should both have made more of an effort to spend time all together rather than going off and treating it like a free holiday.

Either way, your boyfriend should deal with it or you should talk to her in person.. text messages are going to be misconstrued and will make it worse to be honest.

As someone who is widowed and lives alone, I do understand how hard it can be to watch others having a great time together, holding hands, sharing in jokes etc., but that is just how it is and is not your fault. You offered for her to go with you to the things you wished to do and she chose not to, so that is down to her.

I would let the dust settle a bit and just reply that you are sorry she felt like that and hope that she did find things to enjoy on the holiday.

She always was going to be a third wheel and should have recognised that beforehand.

I have been on hos with my AC and have always made it clear that I am happy that we do our own things - the aim is that each should get something out of the holiday and it is not possible to always want to do the same things.

Maybe because the couple she was with consisted of her son and his girlfriend she was taken by surprise at feeling like a gooseberry. That isn’t anyone’s fault but perhaps it could have been mitigated a little by you going off yourself and letting her have some one to one time with her son on occasion. She might not have expected that you two would be together constantly. Although it is understandable that you were. I have holidayed with PIL and always liked to make sure that DH got to do something with them. Or MIL and I sometimes went somewhere that interested us. It’s important that everyone gets to feel catered for if you agree to holiday together. I think it is good that she has raised this if it can be worked through constructively all three of you.

Just seen your update. Why did she message you and not her son? What was the bad start about?

Do not reply.

Let your bf deal with her. And don’t go on holidays with her again.

It’s time she found her own friends to go away with. Avoid avoid avoid or she will become your problem.

It really isn't perfect. This bit: "and seeing DP and I so happy together as a couple.." is awful. So smug, and rubbing salt in her wounds.

Just say, so sorry we thought you were happy to just laze by the pool with your books, you didn't seem to want to come out on trips with us you would have been very welcome to join us. Perhaps if we did something like that again you could bring a friend?