Boyfriends mum is upset that DP and I didn’t spend enough time with her on holiday

[Smokedicecream]

I have been with my partner for just over a year now, we are in our late 20s. She works for a travel agents so gets quite a big discount on some holidays. She said she wanted to go on holiday with us. I had my doubts because I didn’t know if it would be awkward, we aren’t particularly close. But DP thought it would be fun.

We went on holiday and she’s a big sunbather, she just wanted to lie around sunbathing and reading books, which is totally fine! No issue with it. But we like to go exploring and go to the beach and water parks etc. we asked her if she wanted to join us but she said no every time. Some days we did stay with her because at the end of the day, we were on holiday together and didn’t want her to just feel like she was on a solo holiday. But we get bored and antsy just sat around all day so would go and do thing. Even if it was just for a little walk to explore a bit, she didn’t want to come.

Now that we are back she has expressed to me that she felt very lonely and sad on the holiday and also made her realise that she is lonely in general because seeing myself and DP together and holding hands and laughing together etc made her upset. I think she felt a bit like a third wheel which we didn’t mean to do. We don’t do PDA, have never kissed or cuddled or acted inappropriate in public. But I think it just reaffirmed to her that she is alone, seeing us two enjoy a holiday together.

She seems to be expecting some kind of apology, she is acting angry with me (not sure why it’s just me) and saying she felt left out. She has expressed all of this to me via text and I haven’t responded yet. Am I the unreasonable one here? I just feel like, she went on holiday with a couple, didn’t want to do anything with us other than lie by the pool and is now upset about. But I don’t know how that’s my fault? I also paid for the holiday with my money and didn’t want to just hang around the hotel all day

Sorry but telling someone else’s mother they’re “loved and appreciated” is bananas. She’s only been with the man a year, and the mother sounds like a nightmare.

I would do a non-apology. You have nothing to apologise for, she is not unreasonable to be disappointed that the holiday didn’t meet her (unspoken) expectations but she is unreasonable to try and put those feelings on you.

”sorry to hear that you feel that way, MIL. DP and I enjoy exploring and that’s why we invited you to join us in these activities. We aren’t really lay-by-the-pool people. It seems our holiday styles are quite different so joint holidays in future probably won’t work for us. On the whole we had a great time and really enjoyed spending some time with you”

…and never holiday with her again!

No, we all paid for the holiday equally. In the evenings we stayed together. I went to bed before them though. She asked me if I could stay up late some nights and I did try but I get so tired so ended up going to bed at about 11 each night and the two of them stayed up for a few more hours

Ah, that's a salient update... at first I thought she was seeing you as her 'support animal'... I had to fight this with my DH - his mother's notion that, as a woman, it was my 'duty' to keep her company and listen to her monologues while he zoned out...

But now it sounds like she doesn't like you, and this holiday is just a lever to get at you... Why tell you, not her son? Because she wants to pin you as the source of trouble - and her subtext is now out in the open: 'You're coming between me and my baby boy!' Some MILs will see all women like this, and nothing you can do will change her mind. Seeing you have fun with him would have made her more jealous.

You and your partner will have to be on the same page about this - some men just capitulate to Mama for a quiet life, some make it clear to her that they are in an adult relationship. But don't feel obliged to step in and compensate for her lack of a partnership - frankly, do you think she wants to see more of you? Or is it her DS she wants?

She just didn’t think I was “right” for her son and compared me a lot to his ex

You need to nip this whole “going on holiday with the MIL” thing in the bud, especially as you said that the two of you “tolerate” each other. Looking into my crystal call, I see you two vying for your boyfriend’s attention in a tug-of-war on these holidays. Her staff discount just isn’t worth the hassle. Lesson learned.

I would put good money on her not liking the ex either...

Really not your fault at all.

What she's realised is that she is lonely. I think maybe she expected you to want the same things she did, and you didn't. That was her assumption.

Reading your replies it sounds like her idea of a holiday is sunbathing all day and staying up late at night.

Whereas you prefer to explore and do stuff then have a good sleep to be ready for the next day.

You sound respectful and you tried to include her every time.

I'd say you if you go away together again she needs to take a friend that likes what she likes. So you are a group of four.

DP needs to deal with that.
And I'd refuse to go on holiday with her ever again.

"Sorry you felt that way. I had doubts about the holiday for the exact reasons you've mentioned but Dave said it would be fun. if you're lonely maybe join some clubs or get on a dating site"

I wouldn't be messaging her at all. I'd forward the message to my boyfriend and ask him to respond.

I’m honestly surprised at all these replies suggesting you reach out to her because she’s realised she’s lonely.

1 - people capable of self reflection don’t send texts complaining about their “realisations” to their son’s partners

2 - she gets a huge discount on holidays and yet had no one else to go with? Huge red flag! Three guesses why she’s lonely.

@Smokedicecream

for the best outcome and going forward, let your DP either ring or text, after you've had a chat tonight.

Do not respond yourself, at all

You aren't responsible for her issues.

I think it was weird of her to travel with you and weird of her to text / triangulate you. She's too enmeshed with her son. Beware.

Just say that you're sorry that she's disappointed- that it was a shame she didn't have a great time as you enjoyed it.

Reading between the lines I think she wanted some one to one time with you. Maybe some bonding?

She probably hasn't realised that the holiday she's just had is more than what she should expect, and instead of saying it was lovely spending time with you etc, she's whinging and putting you off further holidays.

If you were feeling generous you could suggest next time you go as a bigger group, or on a city break or something.

I've found that different people have VERY different ideas about how much time they want to spend with the group when travelling. Some people want to do exactly what they want and if no one else is interested they're happy to split up all day and meet for dinner. Some even prefer (want and need) a fair amount of time alone. If you were inviting her along most of the time and she didn't give any feedback (including privately to her son) except "you go ahead without me, I want to stay here and sunbathe/read", then you haven't done anything wrong.

Your update, though (She just didn’t think I was “right” for her son and compared me a lot to his ex) makes me think this isn't about the holiday at all. She has an issue with you regardless of how you behave, and she's overstepping - but your boyfriend has to be the one to shut it down. I'd have no patience with her blaming me for the dynamic on holiday. (Also, if possible, any serious discussion with her should be face to face - texting about this stuff is asking for misunderstandings, misinterpretation, and possibly resulting resentment).

She doesn't want to share you with her precious son. That's the sum of it.

Yeah, given your update on the bad start, I'd be leaving this to your partner...

I wouldn't invite her for a coffee if you don't want to go for one, it could end up being one of those things she uses to beat you with down the line. It's also important that she makes friends outside of her son and his partner. The rest of that reply is fine, if you want to reply something...

My instinct, though, is that she's lashing out at you because she either knows her son will ignore it, or they've gone over this ground before. I'd leave this to him to reply to, and not yourself involved. You don't want to encourage her to vent to you when she's annoyed at him.

Why on earth does she feel comfortable enough to text you like that when you've only been with your partner for a year? I would nip this behaviour in the bud now OP: she is attempting to make you responsible for her relationship with her son and expecting you to facilitate her life and act as her unpaid therapist. I would text her back and just say it would be best if she speaks to your partner about this and leave it to that. Do not apologise and do not get involved.

But they are not in-laws. This is a very new relationship and his mum should not feel this comfortable to firstly invite herself on their holiday and then contact the OP like this.

You might reply acknowledging that it’s hard being with a couple when you’re single yourself and that you would have been glad for her to join you on walks etc. send her love and say Hope to see her soon. She sounds unhappy.

With your update about wanting you to stay up later than you were comfortable with, it sounds like she expected the two of you to do what she wanted to do on holiday, so lie on a lounger all day and late night drinking every evening, which sounds like my idea of a living hell. Maybe your DPs previous DGF was like this and that's why she prefers her.

I would go with one of the non apologies "Oh I'm sorry you felt that way, that wasn't our intention at all. "

She has shot herself in the foot though as hell would freeze over before I went on another holiday with her, so all she has done is make herself more isolated.

It speaks volumes that she has texted you, not her son. There's an irrational blame game going on for how she thinks she was made to feel.

Your DP did exactly the same on holiday as you did, apart from staying up a bit later with his mum, so why hasn't she offloaded on him? Forward the texts and get him to respond to her.

Yes his ex was more similar to his mum. I’m the opposite really. She had a good relationship with his ex so I think she is sad that she won’t have that relationship with me. But she could’ve had it if she wouldn’t have behaved so awfully when we first got together. I just don’t think I’m her type of person. I think she saw us as three friends going on holiday, but that’s not the case so I don’t know why she would expect it to be like that

What was the awful behaviour when you first got together? What did she say/do?