I don't want to contribute to Sister's health treatments. t

[SILDilema]

Sister is very ill, terminally, has teen kids and is looking at additional private health care.

We've had some heavy hints dropped about how much this will cost.
Her family also have private school fees, and over the last three years spent considerable sums (over 100k) on a hobby plus various bucket list exotic trips. We don't know what their future plans are for funding the ongoing costs of teen hobbies and fees.

We earn less, spend less and don't have a terrible diagnosis hanging over our head.

I feel sad about any family going through this.
But AIBU to not want to contribute financially?

My judgement is clouded because before all this she was quite horrible to me and that hasn't changed recently either.

YANBU. You have your own family finances to think about. The nhs will do whatever it can to cure her, and provide supportive treatment if it can't. Any additional care they choose to have it's entitled a private decision between them. You can't be expected to pay when you have your own kids futures to think about, plus the time you'll need to give support to your bereaved nieces/nephews.

*entirely a private decision

It doesn't sound to me like you care for her at all so no yanbu.

I feel a bit horrified that the situation with your sister is so bad that you're more concerned with the finances of her death than the loss of her. Please whatever happens from here, be very careful how you handle it. Your nieces/nephews are losing their mother and arguments about money are the last thing they need to hear.

If you know she is terminally ill, you may prolong her life, but not save it and leave those that survive in no better place, when by the sounds of it they have more money than you do anyway. I wouldn't be rushing to hand over cash either.

Getting involved financially does not seem viable on an ongoing basis. I would say you would be under no obligation to do so. Cannot imagine being asked to support my siblings in similar circumstances.

Oh stop it. That's not how it reads AT ALL

Op, is it your sister in law, or your sister?

So maybe the parents of those kids shouldn't be dropping heavy hints about the cost of treatments if they want to avoid the arguments about money.

OP, they haven't asked you directly so don't feel under any obligation to offer. When they talk about the cost of treatment, just make empathetic noises.

Support her emotionally and by helping out with kids etc. Don't give them any money.

I might find it hard to begrudge her the cost of a few years' worth of birthday and Christmas presents, that she won't now get. But you can't spend anything you can't afford.

School fees are by the by. Terminal illness throws a bomb into any family and through children have enough on their plate.

I don’t think you’re under any obligation to contribute financially (are you sure they’re hinting and not just verbalising worries?) but I do think the tone of your post is a bit judgemental and unpleasant, with reference to them spending their money on other things etc, and would you really want them to disrupt their dc’s education and social world at the time when they’re most in need of stability and support, by removing them from their private schools to fund it? It doesn’t sound as though you’re in a position to help, so just don’t.

If you were both of equal financial standing I'd say, help her out, she needs you.

But it sounds like they could make cut backs in other areas if this was their priority.

I very much doubt many children would choose private school over more time with their Mum alive.

YANBU

I understand that they want to keep life as normal as possible.

Imagine finding out your mum has a terminal illness/dies and then you’ve got to change schools on top it would be absolutely awful!!

But you cannot afford it.
That’s not your fault.

Instead, I would offer to babysit, do pick ups and drops offs, cook or clean or whatever and help in a way that isn’t financial.

Unless they actually ask you outright "assume"they don't want you to contribute

Like the pp I’d offer practical support such as transport , cooking etc but nothing financial .

Exactly!!

They’re keeping the kids in private school, because that is the best thing for them.

Their entire lives have been turned upside down and the mum just wants them to have as much stability as they can in such an awful situation.

I’d just make it very clear that as much as you feel for them all, you’re not in a position to contribute at all.

She may have life insurance, the school may help.

Just do what you can for now.

Perhaps the various bucket list exotic holidays were because they knew they would be her last chance to do them?

I don't think you should have to contribute ? Not to be a horrible person but what do you do when she is gone keep propping her family up ? She and her husband (I presume) need to make a plan financially and think of the future

I agree, the tone is a bit….off.
Of course OP shouldn’t give money if she cannot afford it and in fact, even if she could, she’s under zero obligation. However, it sounds like they tried to carry on with their lives despite a terminal diagnosis and I cannot blame them for that!

What do you mean by saying she was/is horrible to you?

That's EXACTLY how it reads!

You don’t have to financially contribute, you shouldn’t be guilted into it. Reads like you’ve always had a difficult relationship with your sister, many people will say ‘but she’s your family and she’s dying’ but sadly that doesn’t undo years of hurt. Give as much as you’re emotionally capable but not at a cost to yourself. As someone who was in a similar situation, the outside world may judge but the long term consequences to yourself won’t be seen.

OP sometimes a hard NO upfront saves months of nagging.

Delivery is everything, "I can see it will be expensive, if we had money to help we'd offer it, but we don't".

On repeat as needed I'd expect you'd need to say once or potentially a few repeats.