I don't want to contribute to Sister's health treatments. t

[SILDilema]

Sister is very ill, terminally, has teen kids and is looking at additional private health care.

We've had some heavy hints dropped about how much this will cost.
Her family also have private school fees, and over the last three years spent considerable sums (over 100k) on a hobby plus various bucket list exotic trips. We don't know what their future plans are for funding the ongoing costs of teen hobbies and fees.

We earn less, spend less and don't have a terrible diagnosis hanging over our head.

I feel sad about any family going through this.
But AIBU to not want to contribute financially?

My judgement is clouded because before all this she was quite horrible to me and that hasn't changed recently either.

So AIBU is just here to validate whatever the OP wants to do?

As is the case with most AIBUs.

I think, personally, that if the OP is taking requests for help from a dying woman (whether she likes her or not) and posting their contents to a website for people to give their opinion on when she can't even muster the effort to reply politely, then she's behaving deplorably.

In the context of the requests, the op is far from ‘deplorable’. I think you’re taking issue with the op being matter of fact over an emotive issue. I haven’t seen the op reply impolitely unless I’ve missed something?

Just block your poor sister on whatever messaging platform being used to keep in touch and let her die with a bit of dignity OP. If you don't want to act like a sister then leave her alone, this isn't theatre, it's kids losing a parent. It's awful.

Absolutely agree the children facing losing their mother is awful. Do you think just blocking her sister out of the blue is any less ‘deplorable’ than how the op has supposedly behaved to start with though? That’s as an extreme reaction as you can get given the circumstances. And if the op says her sister have behaved poorly towards her, it is not negated by serious illness as anyone who’s not had a great relationship with family will know. It’s an unfortunate truth that it doesn’t matter who you are or how you’re related, if you cannot treat people well in life (especially your loved ones) then it can come back to you in your time of need.

If the OP is posting about her own sister, why has she called herself SIL dilemma?

Hi op,

I am on your side. You do not have to pay any penny…think reverse, if that was you? Would she sacrifice the private care of her children for you?

There, you have your answer. Family is for support, love and care of ALL members. You don’t get to piss in the bucket you want to drink from.

Good luck 🌺

🤣🤣🤣

People!!!

does she need cooking too? Oh no…she must have a chef 🫣

Who knows. Red herring. Fear of being outed. Why post a thread about it in the first place.

Just tell her you can’t afford to help financially.
Depending on her reaction will show you if she’s worth it.
Make sure you record the conversation so that the inevitable family repercussions can be shut down.

AIBU isn't for that, though is it. There's normally a poll!

How "not close" to someone would you need to be to judge their reaction to a terminal illness on the internet. Then to be fishing out messages from the group chat for us to applaud (Or what?) when she says she's going to ignore it?

That's well beyond "not close" and for me into deplorable territory. The woman is dying, ffs. By all means don't care, but this reads like OP has the popcorn out. Blocking is kinder, much much kinder. Nail your colours to the mast so at least the sister knows what she's dealing with.

I think you’ve not had very difficult relationships with close family and are seeing it from a perspective where you couldn’t imagine a situation where you’d be not wondering how to move heaven and earth to help a dying loved one - which is understandable but doesn’t make the op ‘deplorable’.

Though as others have pointed out, the op’s username says SiL. Obviously if it’s not her actual sister it would give a different perspective.

I've been around since Gina Ford tried to shut down Mumsnet.
I don't think it matters, in this case, if it's my brother, in law or step sibling. We're related, but like across most families we all have different careers, lifestyles, parenting decisions. not better or worse just different. Linked through childhood but rather distant as adults.
Once again I'd like to thank all contributions.obviously there's a huge amount of emotion involved, good, bad, guilt and obligation. It's good to get your perspectives from keep your hands in your pockets to remortgage the house.

OP please ignore those telling you to feel badly about your very reasonable feelings and decisions.

If it was reversed, I doubt you would hear anything or have help as sister would be off on hols, which would be equally fine as her decision to make.

I think you need to be clear now when the hints are dropped that you would like to be in a position to help but you just can’t afford it. It’s best to be honest and open about this and set clear boundaries.

Paying private for treatment of cancer, where treatment is not offered on NHS, is likely to be clutching at straws for miracles and a waste of money frankly.
all treatments for cancer go through Clincial trials. Double blind stage 3 studies. In each country they then review the evidence, based on risk vs benefits and then decide as an individual Regualtoroy Body if the evidence is strong enough to approve it. In many cases it may be approved with strong caveats about risks and which sub group of patients it is most suited to with each condition. In the uk that is then reviewed by NICE, who look at benefits vs costs vs risks to make a decision if it will be given under NHS funding.
a lot of people may as individuals feel that NICE is blocking their pathway to a treatment to prolong life or even a cure, and for 1 individual it may indeed be hugely successful. NICE is looking at populations as a whole, and can see that maybe for £100,000 per treatment per person, it benefits just 5% of patients. They’re not going to authorise that . Sure, your sister can then go and get the drug treatment privately, but the odds, and the risk vs benefit profile will be massively stacked against her and it having a cure, or even prolonging her life.
unfortunatley, hope is not a benign positive emotion always. We hang on to hope because it is a survival mechanism. But, sometimes it holds us back from addressing reality, where the bad news or uncomfortable option is. Hope is what stops us changing our current mental attitude. Faced with death, that is absolutely understandable, and a massive challenge to overcome. I believe this is where hospices and other volunteers can help so much, to help the perosn come through a “grief” pathway to a point of acceptance. And to have as good a death as possible while they are still well enough to have some quality of life.
Going through the game of chasing down treatment after treatment on private basis in “hope” of a miracle, so often results in wasting what little precious time there is left, to create happier memories if possible, or just to get everything in order.

I certainly wouldn’t give money to people to chase cancer treatments that the Clincial reviews and studies have shown to provide so little benefit and chance of working, or NICE has rejected. (Caveat sometimes NICE holds off for some further studies over time…but that is rare)

If she was asking for help with private Hopsice care, then yes, I’d do what I could, but within reason. Within reason is not if they have young school age children and they haven’t taken out life insurance or a critical illness cover, which will pay out. This is what that’s there for; to pay back loans and such for private hospice or nursing at home care in her final weeks and months. If they’ve been frazzling all that money on private education, hobbies and holidays, and haven’t got life insurance or critical illness cover, then they’ve got their priorities worng and nope, I wouldn’t personally cover to pay off someone’s irresponsible and luxury lifestyle. If that’s the case then they lead their entire lives by the mantra of “hope” ; hoping they’ll never have to deal with the shit that life can throw at us all, at any time.

Harsh and unnecessary!

Was it? It was my exact reaction when reading this thread.
I don’t think OP is unreasonable at all for not contributing to costs, but I am shocked at the callous, almost sneering, tone. Perhaps it’s just the way it’s coming across in text…

This is incredibly sensible and important advice.
Acceptance is incredibly difficult in these circumstances but would be far the better path. If you or your parents are funding random snake oil 'treatments' then you are supporting something that really might not be helpful.

I work in the NHS and agree most treatments for cancer that are private only are unlikely to make much difference to her life. Private carers and her husband taking a reduction in hours/ taking a month off to care for her may help but I wouldn't spend money on a " must try everything " approach. I'd visit to help support her.

Eh? Her feelings are entirely her business.

Today, I'm feeling angry sad today about it all. The internet has given access to information and the perception of choices and anyone can become an amateur oncologist.
Our parents are terrified. The money involved is eye watering, the aftermath with the kids not discussed with any of us practically, emotionally or financially.
It feels incredibly complicated.

Give what you can reasonably afford and no more. Better though is to give boundless love, sympathy and emotional support to those kids. Never complain about your sisters finances or any of this in front of them. Keep that up through out their lives. You’ve been a great sister then.

It's ok OP. You just have to be clear you can't help financially but you'll support them in other ways.

We had a family death by cancer last year, supported at home with home based visits from the hospice. Everyone found their "job" be it cooking, school runs etc.

Sorry to be pragmatic about it, but honestly you have to be.

Have you read the post? It looks like the sister who is poorly doesn’t care very much for the lady that posted. This is entirely possible in families.

The key words for me here are “ we don’t have a terminal diagnoses hanging over our heads”
aka. “I’m all right Jack”. Disgraceful!!

Don’t “think reverse”. Think now. Her sister is terminal. What a hard, shallow person you are coming across as.

You are making all this about you. Shameless!

It’s not harsh and unecessary . That comment is spot on. The original poster has long ago made up her mind not to help further. She is on here looking for validation for her deplorable actions. Nothing more, nothing less.