I don't want to contribute to Sister's health treatments. t

[SILDilema]

Sister is very ill, terminally, has teen kids and is looking at additional private health care.

We've had some heavy hints dropped about how much this will cost.
Her family also have private school fees, and over the last three years spent considerable sums (over 100k) on a hobby plus various bucket list exotic trips. We don't know what their future plans are for funding the ongoing costs of teen hobbies and fees.

We earn less, spend less and don't have a terrible diagnosis hanging over our head.

I feel sad about any family going through this.
But AIBU to not want to contribute financially?

My judgement is clouded because before all this she was quite horrible to me and that hasn't changed recently either.

No, you don't have to.
YANBU.

Your username is SILDilema - is she your sister or sister in law?

I don’t think you need to contribute financially, but I would simply frame it under ‘we can’t contribute financially’.

Maybe you are hearing hints that they are not dropping.

I think that if they want contributions, then they must actually ask directly to avoid misunderstanding.

It seems like they have resources. I don’t think they are asking.

You can volunteer time, helping out.

Yes, agree with this. Of course they haven't disrupted their children's lives even further.

You don't need to give financial help, but nothing you've described is unreasonable on their part either.

I wouldn’t be paying their private school fees Ld funding lavish extras that you don’t even do yourself, no.

I'm sure my sister wishes her biggest problem is including the right amount of detail in her OP.
Thanks everyone.
I think running through the thought processes helps before seeing them next. I don't want to promise stuff out of guilt or a knee jerk reaction.
I included some detail because there's a difference between a family having to budget for the hospital carpark and one buying brand new cars and extending a trip. No judgement, we should all try to get the most from life. It's shaken us up to do more stuff, get the most out of life.

We don't hear often from that family, in general or about health specifics. The last few messages have floated the private treatment money.

Privately, I am concerned that the teens will lose both their mum and their lifestyle with or without more expenditure. We're a totally buttoned up family so finances and the long term are never discussed.

@SILDilema Having been through the death of my daughter, leaving 2 children, not even teen, I would say not to donate. you wont help her live, you might just extend for a few months. it sounds like she has had quite a while so she has managed a good few things on her bucket list. what country are you in? who has hinted for financial assistance for her? it sounds like her partner might be a high earner. health care in UK is free. even private is not necessarily better. is this assistance needed to try a new drug with no guarantee it will work??

No, YANBU. This is sad but you contributing financially does not in any way reflect how you feel about her, and you should not feel obliged.

Had similar with my cousin. He is very wealthy - owns land, several big range rovers, own business, two houses - yet he did a gofundme to go to America for new treatment for a lifelong condition. I owned nothing - not even a car, didn't have a mortgage on a house - and there were mutterings about how I should have donated. But, he could afford to sell one of his assets and pay for the treatment and he'd still be wildly better off than I was.

Just because it's a health thing, doesn't mean other people should be obligated to fund it. Particularly when the person in question could actually afford it if they just adjusted their spending a bit.

private health care for terminal cancer is usually a scam

If this were my sister, I would be loosing my mind, especially considering she has school aged children! Definitely not thinking about money! No one has asked you explicitly for money though?

What have they said to drop the hints?

I mean if it would mean saving her life or giving her an extra decade with her kids I would definitely incur some financial hardship to get her there. If not, I probably wouldn’t.

I wouldn’t be selling my house or anything like that, but maybe take out an affordable loan.

It doesn’t sound like that’s the expectation though.

@SILDilema

My judgement is clouded because before all this she was quite horrible to me and that hasn't changed recently either.

If this is the case & they're only talking to you because they want financial aid then I can understand your feelings about that.

There is an air of jealousy in your post that you feel they spend frivolously however the lifestyle they have is theirs & they can continue to do so even if your lifestyle isn't the same.

They're obviously keeping their life as is to give the children stability but it doesn't mean they should expect less wealthy relatives to help subsidise this.
Hopefully they have made financial plans for after her death so their children's lives can continue the same

Offer practical help to her & her family - usually worth a lot more than financial help.

Sorry about your sister.
No, you're not being unreasonable. The family have chosen to spend their money on making her last months more enjoyable and supporting the DC's education, which is absolutely up to them, but doesn't mean others need to step in when it comes to medical care.
It she has a terminal diagnosis, treatment is unlikely to do more than prolong the last stage. If a miracle cure is suddenly available since they spent their money, that's different, but unlikely.

Wait for them to ask. If they ask, then you ask what they have in place financially for after the inevitable.

They can't expect you to contribute, they seem well off, do they not have health insurance, etc?

OP isn't more concerned with finances than the loss of a family member and has said nothing to suggest she doesn't care about the feelings of her nieces and nephews, or anyone else.
She's been asked to gift money to a sister she has a very difficult relationship with and who has far more income and savings than OP does, by the sound of it, and already has a terminal diagnosis which won't be removed by any amount of money. That is what she's posting about.

Just do what you can in terms of time, effort, perhaps giving her more grace than you otherwise would (depending on what 'quite horrible' means). You can't spend money that would make things tight for you. What if you, your partner or kids were to get a diagnosis where private care was likely to make a difference, or become disabled?
Don't bring her own past spending into it when you speak to her though.

That isn’t what the OP has said at all, don’t be so silly and unkind.
Nobody should feel obliged to contribute financially to a situation.

No: not up to you to fund her choices. Awful situation for the family but as others have said, if you feel you're being asked for money say regretfully that things are really difficult at the moment but you can take her to chemo/ physio/sit with her/ batch cook meals/ do the laundry if that would help.

No. It doesn't sound as if you have much to spare anyway and if you did it wouldn't go very far. Their expectations of what private healthcare will do for them are probably unrealistic and born of fear. It's a shame she cannot bring herself to be pleasant to you but would happily have your money if you offered it.

Given they are used to a high income and high outgoings, I'm sure they will have signed up to all sorts of insurance policies such as critical illness, income protection, life assurance etc that will help them out financially. Don't be guilt tripped into anything you are not comfortable doing.

YANBU. I totally disagree with the comments on here that you should be funding her children's private school fees. Financial decisions affecting her children are for her and her partner (if she has one) to make between them. If they can't afford the private school fees anymore, they should move the children to a state school. The idea that any other family member 'owes' them money to keep their kids in private school is ridiculous. People posting that on here haven't given a thought to your situation.

It also sounds like the family have not managed their money very well, blowing £100K on hobbies and bucket list trips. It's their job to ensure they have sufficient savings for the future instead of prioritising non-essential things like this -- if they have the money to do both that's fine, but they clearly didn't which is why they are now coming round expecting to be bailed out. Basically, they need to take responsibility for their own money and family decisions. Your responsibility is to your own family, particularly your children. I wouldn't give them any money at all. It will only encourage further bad spending habits and worsen the situation for your own family.

They might have money, you never know. A lot of people ask others for money because they don't want to spend their own savings. Came up a fair bit in covid.

That's cheeky (of your cousin.) Bet he didn't put any of that on his gofundme page.

Do you know what kind of additional health care costs? Are they currently relying on the NHS and wanting to undertake treatments which aren't covered there? Or do they have private health care which doesn't extend to the amount of treatment that your sister would like to explore? It's a difficult situation but I think the message from another poster above wishing them well and saying you would contribute if you can but you financially can't is all you can do at the moment.

I would expect wealthier close relatives to consider chipping in if possible. However, it sounds like she’s the wealthier one, so you’re not in a position to help financially and shouldn’t be pressured into doing so.

I’m sure her DC will be grateful for the support of their DM’s DSis when the time comes. Now that is priceless.

If you can’t help financially, make that clear now so she knows to make other arrangements. It does sound like she has other options, including cutting down on massive luxuries for her DC.

Try to forgive any lashing out or guilt-tripping. It comes from a position of fear. If you can be on better terms when the time comes, you’ll find it easier to grieve.

I’m so sorry you’re in this position.