I don't want to contribute to Sister's health treatments. t

[SILDilema]

Sister is very ill, terminally, has teen kids and is looking at additional private health care.

We've had some heavy hints dropped about how much this will cost.
Her family also have private school fees, and over the last three years spent considerable sums (over 100k) on a hobby plus various bucket list exotic trips. We don't know what their future plans are for funding the ongoing costs of teen hobbies and fees.

We earn less, spend less and don't have a terrible diagnosis hanging over our head.

I feel sad about any family going through this.
But AIBU to not want to contribute financially?

My judgement is clouded because before all this she was quite horrible to me and that hasn't changed recently either.

I spoke to a private health insurance company when my mum got diagnosed with leukaemia and the call handler advised to stick with the NHS. I couldn’t fault the treatment and care my mum received. In contrast my dads palliative care for cancer was shocking. The fact he was terminal was not discussed so we were unprepared when he died suddenly. This could be the difference between primary care and palliative care in the NHS.

If was horrible to you before her diagnosis unless she has had some sort of epiphany then she is probably still horrible.
If the rest of the family is Ok then you could offer some practical assistance but I wouldn't be offering money.
They are probably desperate and understandably looking for anything that will extend her life but its unlikely that Private treatment will do much and you are under no obligation to help pay for it in any case

Offer emotional and practical support but no money. Though I wouldn't think any the worse of them for hinting; in such an awful situation, their thought processes are likely to be all over the place, grasping onto any possible solution without properly thinking through the implications.

Probably the most expensive hobbies are things like sailing and horse sports/Hunting.
However, surely your sister can afford these, especially if the kids go to private school.

My mum died when I was very young, but many men remarry after a wife dies- with almost immodest haste.

If it’s a treatment which could realistically extend her life then I would absolutely help her. Any extra time she gets with her family is a blessing. There are, unfortunately a significant number of cancer treatments which are approved and mainstream across the world which the NHS won’t pay for on cost grounds but which will very often keep patients well and enjoying life for months to years. So yes of course I would do anything to support that

if it’s popping off to Mexico for something whacky, probably not

moving her kids school is likely a the last thing she will consider as they need to be settled and happy to deal with what’s coming

Without know specifics …. I would guess private treatment is tens of thousands…. per year
I know from work experience, private treatment won’t start your treatment unless you pay for all of it up-front (if it’s cancer).

Potentially over a period of years.

Our dear friend has had stage 4, cancer since 2019 Before Covid. He is treated on NHS.

He is still active, looks well … when he told us Stage 4, we erroneously thought he would die in a year.

It all depends.

Also, we had FIL with a condition, that Drs didn’t understand. SIL and her partner found a quack with a sheep-placenta treatment which was very expensive. They wanted us to fund it at £2k a month … we said no way because it sounded like a scam and not paying for an unproven therapy or for bring a guinea pig (they should have paid HIM)!!
After death, he was diagnosed with an inherited disorder with no known treatment /cure. Knowing you have it, helps cope with it, did not shorten his life.

You need to know what you are paying for.

It doesn’t sound like you’re that close with your comments about her being horrible to you. I can’t see that anyone has asked you for any money either and if you’re worried about things like the hospital car park then surely you wouldn’t be able to contribute anything.

I would help if I could and if the treatments would make a decent difference e.g extend life until the children were grown.

If you can’t afford to contribute financially, you can’t and that’s that.

I think the focus should be on losing your sister/SIL and thinking how that must feel for her. Help her emotionally and practically if that’s what she or you would like.
I know you say she’s horrible, but most of us would help a stranger up if they fell in the street, not even knowing if they were horrible or not IYSWIM.

It doesnt sound as if they've asked you to contribute though? You say hints have been dropped about the cost of this private treatment, but just because they've mentioned the cost doesn't mean they are expecting you to stump up for it.

It’s not going to change the outcome is it. It’s not as if they’re raising money for lifesaving treatment.

My father once chose chemo for a pet. Aftewards he said: “£3000 for a dead cat”.

My point is I would save your money for the living. Spend money on her kids instead.

No, yanbu.

On the face of it it would easy to perceive your stance as uncaring, but I can see your point. I assume the financial help will be for something experimental in another country that may give her a few more months? I probably wouldn’t want to put a chunk of money towards that either, particularly if I didn’t have a good relationship anyway.

When someone is terminally ill there is only so much you can do. I'd hope she'd be getting palliative care on the NHS.
You can't afford to fund it. You can be supportive in lots of other ways, if you wish. Kindness, spending time, just being there is worth more than money.

I think it's very tricky. If it were £5k and the treatment likely to extend life from one year to five, you probably should.

However, we had something not dissimilar in the family. A relative of DH's, lost her husband when the dc were infants and there was no life insurance. A fundraiser was put out to the family and friends to contribute towards her not losing her house. My view was that an intelligent couple had not taken out life insurance and also both sets of parents were relatively well off. Hers live in a 1.5m house. If she had been my daughter, I'd have downsized to let her have some inheritance early. I still cannot see why Tom Cobley and all were expected to stump up and found it rather entitled. Probably means I'm not a nice person.

Your sister is dying, you really can't afford to help save your help for those left behind.

Awful post.

Shameful.

I had this recently with a sibling I was LC with. It’s hard when they receive a diagnosis but the issues that affect your relationship don’t go away with the diagnosis. It’s still there and with it comes guilt and grief and confusion and everything in between when trying to make sense of this new situation. It’s really confronting because to go over everything that happened and try to re justify to yourself why you’re in this situation. Was I right, did it really matter etc?

You can’t begrudge how your sister’s family spends her money at this point. Creating memories with bucket list trips is so important for the children involved. It’s scary facing death particularly when children are involved. Excuse their desperation. It’s allowed at this point. I was dealing with my sibling fear - it was intense but I could understand it.

Just ignore the comments until they ask you outright. Don’t get emotional over that. There is nothing to feel guilty about.

I offered lots practical help that itself was appreciated. Do what you feel you can.

You are being massively selfish. It doesn’t matter how you feel about her or the way she spent her money but for the sake of those kids you could contribute whatever you could afford even if it’s just £10. There are some medical interventions that can extend terminal cancer not by months but years but they’re not available on the NHS yet because of paperwork issues or because it doesn’t help enough people.

Eg my mil has paid £20k a year for her meds and is approaching her 15th year with terminal breast cancer. The medication she’s taking is considered too expensive to offer on the NHS as it only works for a specific subset of bc sufferers but it’s worked for her.

I have a brother who should he get sick will get no help from me ever. He was horrible to me as a child and selfish arsehole as an adult. I don't think we should feel guilty not supporting family who never supported us and always put themselves first. My sister however I would do anything for because she has and would be there for me. If I wasn't there for her I should feel ashamed. So it depends on the relationship you have with the sibling

Siblings are sometimes horrible to each other but that doesn't usually last.

I would want to know what additional treatment she is considering. I certainly understand that people will try anything and clutch at straws, at the same time many do spend money on treatments that do absolutely no good at all, even go abroad for them, and bankrupt themselves in the process.

If it is something that will improve her quality of life and comfort, that is worth paying extra for.

I doubt your sister is expecting everyone to contribute, honestly, but in your place I would work out what I could afford to donate as a one off, not an ongoing thing. I imagine that is what most family would do. It adds up and if it helps her, all to the good.

Don't tell any other family or friends what you are giving, that should remain between you and your sister.

After that, don't think about the money any more but do try to be supportive in other ways - and forgive the past.

Good luck to you al and I wish you a long, happy and healthy life.

Quite honestly, if you're paying for private medical care following a terminal cancer diagnosis, they will kick you back to the NHS sooner or later.
Private medicine is not really for chemotherapy etc, they may not be able to offer some treatments that the NHS can.
In addition there can well be a limit in ££££ as to what your medical insurers will pay. Close friend was diagnosed with terminal bowel cancer and was seeing a private specialist at first via his medical insurance. But the consultant advised him to go with the NHS, he would get the same care, and indeed the same consultant. Besides,it makes the private hospital's stats look bad.
If you want a new hip or knee or you're extremely rich, private care may be the way you want to go, otherwise the NHS is fine when push comes to shove.

I agree with this, & having re-read the OP's OP I still can't see anything off about it. It's just a statement of the facts, & given where the sister is now, those 'bucket list holidays' really were bucket list.

When one of my SILs had cancer which got progressively worse, I set aside all the bad feeling there'd been in the past & just supported her long-distance with gifts & chatting which we'd never done before. It seemed to help, though when she had a period of remission our new relationship, which I'd valued, disappeared & she dropped me back to our previous level of contact! The cancer got worse again & she eventually died. I feel very sad for her that she suffered & that her life was cut short, but those feelings still sit alongside my memories of her meanness & sometimes downright spite. It's difficult when feelings are complicated like this, & OP has my full sympathy in that regard.

Don't give anything you don't want to and/or can't afford.

This!
I think it's grotesque that people of this kind of wealth would be setting up GoFundMe's or dropping heavy hints.
At the end of the day, it's their choice what they prioritise with their money, be it range rovers, expensive trips or private schools. They are lucky to have the choice to give up their luxuries, many of us don't.