I don't want to contribute to Sister's health treatments. t

[SILDilema]

Sister is very ill, terminally, has teen kids and is looking at additional private health care.

We've had some heavy hints dropped about how much this will cost.
Her family also have private school fees, and over the last three years spent considerable sums (over 100k) on a hobby plus various bucket list exotic trips. We don't know what their future plans are for funding the ongoing costs of teen hobbies and fees.

We earn less, spend less and don't have a terrible diagnosis hanging over our head.

I feel sad about any family going through this.
But AIBU to not want to contribute financially?

My judgement is clouded because before all this she was quite horrible to me and that hasn't changed recently either.

Mmm. Family dynamics! However, a terminal diagnosis tends to “ build bridges”
not in this case sadly. It’s clear from the original post that those bridges have well and truly been burned by the poster despite the fact her sister is actively dying. She is on here trying to get validation for her deplorable actions/decisions.

There is no happy ending here, obviously. No amount of money will change the diagnosis, and even if the private treatment would delay death, very few families are able to fund this indefinitely. If you make sacrifices to give whatever you can, how long could you keep that up? And what would happen then?

My sister has despised me from the moment I was born. When we were teenagers, she would push me down stairs, she shaved the skin off my arm with a razor, we are not and have never been friends. When her child got a terminal diagnosis, I tried to be as supportive as possible. She still treated me with contempt. When the child died, my husband and I took time off work and did most of the work in organising the funeral. My sister was absolutely vile to me, and that was the last time I ever spoke to her. I had thought that I would feel better if I at least tried to do my best for her. I didn't, I felt worse because I had really gone to a lot of effort for someone who actively despised me. She didn't see my efforts as a kind gesture, or an offer of support; she saw me as pathetic and weak.

It's never as simple as there being a right or a wrong thing to do. Family dynamics can be very complicated. OP, you will probably be on the receiving end of some really unpleasant pressure from your family to pay up, and it can be hard to be the only person saying "No". If you choose to give something then you need to be very clear about it being a limited amount and not every month, but if you choose not to give anything at all, then that's okay too. I'm not sure I would want to give much to someone who can't even be nice to me when she's asking for large sums of money either!

Gosh that is really hard on your parents. If the diagnosis is terminal there is really no point spending more money. What an awful situation. Take care of yourself. Spend the money on therapy for yourself if you need it.

@SILDilema They need to get their heads out of the sand & plan for the future now. It is probably already too late but no harm in them trying to cut costs & do what they can to limit the financial burden on other family members.
Without knowing prognosis etc, from docs not SIL & her section of the family or anyone else lapping all the drama up, I would certainly not be paying out anything but I would offer time & emotional support when I was available.
I doubt very much any money you give will be appreciated & going off what you’ve said about the family dynamics between yourself & SIL your contribution will 100%be labeled as a minuscule amount & judged based on what others have given when reality is your contribution is probably more when you consider your financial situation.
I’d not be contributing financially & if they have an issue with that then that is their issue not yours! Money is made from paper but doesn’t grow on trees 😬

Just because there is a blood link doesn't mean there is love.

The OP and her sister are not close and have vastly different finances.

It is absolutely nothing to do with the OP to step in to uphold a lifestyle she doesn't have herself because of a terminal diagnosis.

Of course it is very sad but these things often bring around a change of circumstances.

Sad and difficult for sure, but absolutely nothing to do with the OP and her family and their simpler lifestyle.

The OP has no blood link to her sister in law.

But I agree, she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to.

It’s her sister?

My sadly soon to be ex sister in law is a whole different thread. I prefer her to my brother, that dilemma is for another thread but I don't have the band width for that at the moment. But just how much do you keep in touch after 20 years.

The whole bloody extended family is falling apart. Even the teenager has just been dumped by his complicated girlfriend. Which is complicated to parent.

I don't know.

When questioned why she chose that NN for this thread, considering it says 'SIL' dilemma, she gave a fairly vague answer.

I don't think it matters, in this case, if it's my brother, in law or step sibling.

I think she’s a mixed up
fantasist.

You’re not coming across well at all.
Obviously you don’t owe your sister or sister in law any money, even if you have millions in the bank. You are coming across very callous though. Her children will be left without a mother and that is so very sad and heartbreaking for them.

I agree… my mum died when I was three, my siblings were older but it affected us when it happened and in the long term. There is nothing worse as a child than losing your mum

You’re waffling now. The children are going to loose their mum very soon. You have no idea (I do) how much that will affect them for ever.

I do not disagree with you not wanting to contribute financially but do not try and justify it with meaningless chat.

OP I can see you're writing isn't meaningless chat. You are writing to take it all in. Anyone telling you to not write has a different agenda then hearing your perspective.

You are as deluded and callous as her obviously. Stop facilitating her pity party. It’s her sister In law that’s dying not her.

Sibling rivalry It’s all becoming clear after her comments that she prefers the dying SIL who is dying but whose care she doesn’t want to help with financially to her Brother. She is jealous of her brother who has obviously been more successful than she has been.

OP, focus on what emotional support you can be to her children when she is gone.
Loosing your mother is truly shocking, but you do not have any responsibility to maintain their higher lifestyle.

How can she be of any real emotional support to the children when she has such an appalling attitude to their parents?

Just a simple ‘No’
if pushed just say we earn lots less than you and can’t afford it!! End of conversation…. If they keep on just keep repeating ‘can’t afford it!’

as much as fulfilling a bucket list and building memories is important, so is ensuring your family aren’t left financially crippled…

most life insurance policies pay out for a cancer diagnosis, maybe she can use that money…

either way just tell her no and say you don’t want to discuss it again

Think you need to suggest to your parents that they need to ensure they’re financially stable encase they end up raising the grandkids after her passing!! The future is sadly more important than giving your SIL an extra month or two!

''I'm sorry, but we are not in a position to help. Maybe if you cut down on extraneous expenses, you'd be able to save some money for treatments / rest home...''

No, I think we should all stop indulging this woman’s grievance s against her dying SIL and her brother.

Of course she can just keep saying no but that’s not what this about. It’s all about how unfair her life has turned out. It’s not actually about her dying SIL it’s about resentment that her brother and his wife’s life, to this point, turned out better than she thinks hers has. Attention seeking at its very worse!!!!!!!

@LIJ has something happened with your siblings or in-laws that this thread has unwittingly stirred up. You have commented quite a lot. We're very happy to hear what didn't work as well as what did.

Obviously I am talking about my sister on this thread, same parents, same ish childhood along with our brother who's currently at a crossroads with his own problems to sort out.

I don't know why the SIL thing has become so important on this thread. If this was DH's sister, we'd still be asking why can we, what should we do.

No nothing has been triggered at all. I’ve worked as an Integrative Therapist for 8 years and have encountered similar in my work. I’ve also seen it with family and friends to greater lesser degree.