I don't want to contribute to Sister's health treatments. t

[SILDilema]

Sister is very ill, terminally, has teen kids and is looking at additional private health care.

We've had some heavy hints dropped about how much this will cost.
Her family also have private school fees, and over the last three years spent considerable sums (over 100k) on a hobby plus various bucket list exotic trips. We don't know what their future plans are for funding the ongoing costs of teen hobbies and fees.

We earn less, spend less and don't have a terrible diagnosis hanging over our head.

I feel sad about any family going through this.
But AIBU to not want to contribute financially?

My judgement is clouded because before all this she was quite horrible to me and that hasn't changed recently either.

It is how it reads to me, genuinely. I'm not blaming the OP anywhere, if the sister is horrible then it may be entirely fair enough to feel that way.

But nobody is persuading me that original post isn't cold.

If they are living that sort of lifestyle then I am sure they have other money too sat in various investments and savings. They most likely have life assurance that will cover the mortgage later and possibly even terminal illness cover.

If it were the other way round it would make more sense that you might ask well of relatives to help financially. But this way round means you should not be guilt tripped into donating.

Ignore those who say you are BU.
You certainly are not
You have your own children to think of. You own lives to consider.
It's terribly sad and awful that your sister is so ill but it's not down to you to foot the bill
If roles were reversed would your sister cough up for you.?
How exactly have the asked you for funds ,?

It’s none of your business to feel ‘horrified’.

That is very sad for your sister, but you are not close and their financial situation is nothing to do with you.
Their bucket list decisions are not your business and I wouldn't entertain any discussion about it.
If there was dire financial need that would be different.
Bucket lists are a choice I'm afraid.

I think that if someone is an arse to you in life, you don't owe it to them to sacrifice things from your own life because they are now dying. If that makes me hard and cold, so be it.

Maybe OP would like to 'make memories' with her own kids and giving up her limited amount of free money will prevent that. None of us have guarantees that we'll all be here for a long life.

I think I'm very reap as you sow - there are people I'd do anything to help and others I wouldn't piss on if they were on fire. I don't think OP is wrong to resist the hints.

YANBU to not want to contribute.

But are you sure you are being asked to? "We've had some heavy hints dropped" Could it be that they are just talking openly about the cost, as many would if something is really expensive and unaffordable? That doesn't mean you are being asked to contribute. Sometimes in sensitive pressured situations it's easy to make assumptions.

Unless you are asked directly to contribute, don't give it another thought. Otherwise you are putting unnecessary pressure on yourself.

What does your sister’s husband say? Is your sister the main breadwinner? Does she have life insurance?

If she is terminally ill and very unwell have her family looked into fast track or chc funding for her instead of her having to pay for private care, does she get any outside help in at all from nurses, specialists, carers, support groups.

It's none of any of our business, is it?

You certainly don’t have to contribute anything financially (you haven’t explained exactly how or even if you were actually asked for money). But you could try being a little less judgy about a dying woman and her kids. I know you say she hasn’t been kind to you in the past but cut her some slack now.

I'd be more inclined to offer to help with kids after she died.

Thank you everyone, I bloody love Mumsnet for voicing all the fear, the doubts, the implications, the perceptions. We respect their right to privacy but when we're dealing with such a lack of certainty or background information it's useful to think past the initial emotions.

I hope all works out for you all, SIL, Relax, try to think of other things for a short while.

@relentlesslyso I am the wealthier close relative and I wouldn’t expect to give a dime. I have 3 children and yes, they are at public school which costs more than a house a year now. I want to ensure my family has the best they can regarding experiences, holidays and everything else. I have zero responsibility to anyone else.

I hope you read the comments about NHS being the best provider for cancer care so it really wouldn't help her to go private. And you do not have the means to do so which makes it an easy decision should they ask. Just prepare yourself what to say and don't feel guilty. If the NHS can't save her noone can. If they want to experiment other treatment they can cut back on their lavish lifestyle.

This is just not true. The NHS is absolutely not the best for cancer care, especially for more advanced cancers. As I said in an earlier post, for many cancers private care will fund significantly more treatment options than the NHS and these are not unproven treatment. They’re simply well established treatments which are deemed too expensive by the NHS.

I’ve worked in oncology and the NHS absolutely IS the best for cancer care. Going private would be like going out into the Wild West.

That’s absolutely not true. Private cancer care is fully funded by most insurers. They will also offer far more options than NHS. They absolutely do not send you back to the NHS. They’ll see you right through to the end, if it comes. My late DH had full private cancer care. The treatment and care, from diagnosis was beyond outstanding, he had the widest range of treatments the NHS would never have given him. He had dieticians, nutritionists, wonderful palliative care. No waiting for scans or results, access to his doctors who we chose as experts in their field. Just care that couldn’t have been matched and an extension of his life, and good quality for life for about an extra 2 years which he spent wit his family

The NHS consultant shrugged his shoulders and offered “a bit of chemo but it won’t work” and a max 6 month life expectancy

the private doctor gave him 9 months of a daily pill where he never felt ill and worked full time, and his health only declined about 3 months before he died 2.5 years later. We will forever grateful

Rubbish. Royal Marsden, the London Clinic, private at The Christie, UCL. Absolutely not going into the Wild West in any way shape or form. It’s care as it should be.

Surely you can say, 'We are not in a position to help financially, I wish we were. But we'd love to help by...' then offer help you know you can willingly give. Bit tough if she was mean to you before she got ill, but as an auntie it's as much about compassion for the family she'll leave behind.

There were a couple of pps referencing individuals who had the means to cover their own medical costs but still putting up Go Fund Me's which got me thinking.

It is entirely possible that insurance policies have already paid out for her and they used these for the bucket list trips or set some aside to see the private schooling through to the end for the boys and there is now "nothing" left to fund going private.

I can see how the lack of clarity on what they could do for themselves financially but may be choosing not to, is causing some internal conflict but it shouldn't. You are not moneyed so you can rest easy that without taking on borrowing you can't afford or selling the roof over your head, you don't have the means to help beyond logistical and emotional support.

It also avoids a conversation you absolutely don't want to have with them that touches on the minutiae of what they have done with all the money they've had so far, assets they could sell etc. That risks you appearing to imply they've not prioritised finances wisely which you don't want to do. I can see why they've done what they've done with using the funds to give the boys some fabulous memories with their mum when she's still well enough to enjoy it but at the same time I just would not have the gall to then go cap in hand to relatives I've barely had time for, asking for their money to fund my private medical bills. That is some pretty squiffy thinking.

You can rest easy but I think you need to be mentally prepared for their fear over what's to come potentially driving some pretty unpleasant behaviour towards you, implying you don't want to help versus you can't help. You'll just have to push back repeatedly and kindly with, "I'm so sorry, I would if I could, but the money just isn't there."

It doesn't really change anything because OP does not have the means to contribute to it.

I'm sorry she's so ill but frankly she wants to use you financially. Don't get involved in it at all. Just say your money is tied up and in any case is for your own family. She's not even nice to you!

What about when you or your dh and dc have medical needs? What if you want to get private care?Sorry but put money aside or go in the NHS. Her choices not yours. What you give to her, you lose for yourself. It’s that simple, money is not an unlimited resource.