I don't want to contribute to Sister's health treatments. t

[SILDilema]

Sister is very ill, terminally, has teen kids and is looking at additional private health care.

We've had some heavy hints dropped about how much this will cost.
Her family also have private school fees, and over the last three years spent considerable sums (over 100k) on a hobby plus various bucket list exotic trips. We don't know what their future plans are for funding the ongoing costs of teen hobbies and fees.

We earn less, spend less and don't have a terrible diagnosis hanging over our head.

I feel sad about any family going through this.
But AIBU to not want to contribute financially?

My judgement is clouded because before all this she was quite horrible to me and that hasn't changed recently either.

Have they actually asked you for any money, if not then next time they mention the expense point them towards NHS care and funding. What illness does she have, what's her prognosis and life expectancy, poor woman.

Turns out she's directly asked the parents.

I think the 'private is the only option now' texts were just enough info to put us in the 'so everyone knows' loop.

There was also a come and do my DIY request. I don't think we'll be responding to that.

do you know what help or treatment she needs that has to be private? a private doctor may not feel treatment is appropriate so you just need to let them sort it all out, what was the diy request?

@SILDilema she needs to be aware that drugs take a long time to be approved in uk. even private drugs are only give under extreme care usually because they are taking part in trials. UK nhs though, also does trials. she should be looking at the trials for her particular cancer and which hospitals are carrying them out! she would also need to meet the strict criteria which the cancer institutes have for patients taking part.

I don't understand why anyone would donate money to someone better off than herself, irrespective of what it would be spent on.

Your terminally ill sister wanted help with diy and you’re ignoring it? This is much deeper than you can’t afford then op.

They want some help with jobs on the house, she's terminally ill, and you won't bother to even respond?

I voted YANBU OP

Ignoring a terminally ill relative’s text to ask for practical help is fairly abhorrent, op.

DIY also costs money and often a lot of time and effort. It’s awful the OP’s sister is ill but it sounds like they’re not close and the op doesn’t have much to offer. The fact is, if they can afford private school for their children and spend thousands on things for personal leisure, they can afford a handyman if needed. Many here are taking a very emotional viewpoint, which of course for typical families would be a key point. It’s evidently not the same here. The op shouldn’t be berated for not having a good relationship with her sister, seriously ill or not.

So it seems like they have neither asked you for help nor money and you only know because you’re part of the family group?

Is she your sister or your SIL, as you've put in your nickname?

You clearly don't like her, maybe just support her children when she has died if they want that.

She'll have to take her kids out of private school to fund it, its that simple.
Not sure what your sisters diagnosis is, but if it's cancer, no amount of money can save you. I lost my mother to cancer, we paid for a quick diagnosis because the doctors were messing about saying she had indigestion....she infact had pancreatic cancer. No amount of money can help

If my sister asked I'd have to say no as I don't have it to give it's that simple.

If you don't you don't it's irrelevant what they spend their money on.

Offer practical help with the kids, support in that way and if you don't have the money then you don't. Helping raise funds might be an option.

I don't know why your getting a hard time for saying she's previously been horrible to you because thats just context surely.

Not EXACTLY, not to everyone any way.

She sounds like someone who doesn’t have to much time for her sister that’s all. Not everyone is emotional about things (I’m certainly not) and to me it reads as if she’s trying to quickly get to the point of her post.

Unless it's changed now a terminal diagnosis automatically qualifies for Continuing Healthcare Funding, which means the NHS is financially responsible for all palliative care, so there should be no problems with finance unless she is seeking anything over and above NHS care. My experience of palliative care for my father was really good.

Given that you aren't on the same level financially you are not obligated to contribute. I'd offer to babysit etc as I'm sure the children are in bits.

Maybe it's worth breaking some rules. Tell her what you're actually willing to offer - practical help / coordinating other helpers etc. If DIY isn't your thing say so. If you're not close you may not want to offer a lot of emotional support.

Consider what support you might offer directly to her children now and in the future - you might have stories to tell of your childhood together that no one else has.

Sorry if youve already had this suggested but does she have any pensions or life assurance as some may be able to release capital in a confirmed terminal situation

Do the children have to do the expensive Hobbies for now. Would that not pay her healthcare or the private school fees. You can only help if you can

When I was a teen my DAunt rang DDad sobbing several months on the trot because they couldn't afford to pay the mortgage & begging for help. DDad pointed out that their k8ds were all in a very expensive private schools, they'd had 3 hols abroad (in days when most didn't have 1 & we had caravan holidays) already that year & regularly had expensive meals in the city/theatre trips etc.
Meanwhile we lived a pretty regular rural lifestyle. He declined to pay up, they still live in the same house 30 yrs later, although their kids did eventually have to leave private schools but this was the only change to their lifestyle.

Health insurance so that's the family are taking care of after she passes.
No you shouldn't be coughing up when they are been reckless and not thought about the future for their kids. I would mention that in a nicer way.

Keep your hands in your pockets.
You are responsible for your own family’s welfare.
It is sad for them but they can lean on the NHS or stop some hobbies maybe.
Your life’s are separate now and you both have your own problems to sort out.
you are entitled to say no.

So AIBU is just here to validate whatever the OP wants to do?

I think, personally, that if the OP is taking requests for help from a dying woman (whether she likes her or not) and posting their contents to a website for people to give their opinion on when she can't even muster the effort to reply politely, then she's behaving deplorably.

Just block your poor sister on whatever messaging platform being used to keep in touch and let her die with a bit of dignity OP. If you don't want to act like a sister then leave her alone, this isn't theatre, it's kids losing a parent. It's awful.