School refusing my daughter a replacement sticker

[Trek28]

My daughter is 4-years old and has just started school. She did some good work in class and was called up in assembly last Friday, and was given a special sticker by the headteacher. When I collected her from school that day she was really upset and told me about the sticker, and that it had been lost/another child had taken it during the school day. I thought, no problem, I'll just email the school and ask for another one.

I emailed the school explaining the situation, but was a bit surprised and taken aback by the response. It reads:

Hello XXXXX,

Thank you for your email.

Unfortunately, the headteacher sticker is given out in the morning and has to last the day at school.

We are unable to give out a replacement. Sorry for any inconvenience caused.

This response strikes me as a bit mean and was not at all the response I expected. I know it is just a silly sticker. But my daughter was really proud to receive it and is still upset that it is lost. She keeps wanting to talk to me about it and I don't even know what it looks like. Any suggestions? AIBU?

Oh, sorry! 😳😊

Why are you being so weirdly rude? It’s completely unnecessary.

its hard to teach kids to value intrinsic motivation when schools focus so much on extrinsic rewards through things like sticker schemes.

I am surprised a parent would email a school about this - losing stickers is part of life. In addition, I imagine those stickers cost money.

It's about the essence encapsulated within the act of the sticker ceremony. But this is lost on a 4 year old

It’s a shame but more important to celebrate her achievement. You don’t need to see the sticker to compliment her on the work she did to receive it. Talk about the piece of work and how she felt hearing her name called out - and make a plan for the next sticker to be kept safer

Can you imagine the Headteacher having to give out replacement stickers to every child who lost one? The admin requirements of keeping track of exactly which child had one on what day, having to verify whether they'd actually lost it or were just trying it on to get a new one, children throwing strops because the roll of stickers they used the day before is finished and the next roll is different. Not to mention the fact that the new one will also be lost before the end of the day, so any child that gets a sticker on 1st September is then going to be owed a replacement every day until July 22nd.

You're being silly. It's a sticker. She got one, you're proud of her, tell her it's not about the sticker and move on.

It does seem a bit petty of them, but equally I don’t think it’s a huge deal. They probably think “oh if we give a replacement to one, every child will ask the same”.

I agree with the pp about just having your own reward system at home

I think you were ridiculous email about a sticker. You and your DD are in for a tough time if you email about stuff like this.
Don't you think the head probably has more important things to worry about. It might sound harsh but at what age would you say never mind. Five? Six?Ten?

Actually, the majority of kids do not get into a tizz because their parents are not this ridiculous about stickers. Some of them choose to stick it on their work, or water bottle or some other surface where it will stay permanently. Some want to wear it so everyone can see it. They quickly learn that wearing it means it will probably fall off, especially once they've repositioned it 3 times.

If that was my child I would have given her a sticker at home, and gently reminded her that she gets only one and if it gets lost then it's lost but it's not a big deal, she still did really well. She will soon get the message about keeping it on.
There is no way I would have emailed the head or bothered the school about a silly sticker. Surely it crossed your mind that they have far better things to worry about. And imagine if everyone was losing stickers?

Hardly harsh or curt, it's to the parent to get the message that they won't be indulging in this.

Absolutely this!

How silly to be sending emails to school over this and then creating a post on here because it didn't turn out how op wanted. That's the exact type of attitude she is showing to her child. 4 is little but not that little. Teach her a bit of resilience. It may just be a sticker now, but then what about other things?

Those “she’s only four” posters. What exactly are you ok with a four year old being sad or disappointed about if you think an unreplaced lost sticker is too harsh? Or are you of the view that small children mustn’t ever feel sad or disappointed or emotionally uncomfortable in any way until they’re some magical age where suddenly they can cope? It’s really not doing them any favours.

it’s possible to be in the middle ground here. I totally agree that trying to protect children from all upset is very counterproductive and they need to learn to cope with disappointment. And I think OP needs to (and will0 learn that emailing school over little things like this will not make her very popular.

But, 4 is very little, it’s new to her and it mattered to her, so I can understand asking as well. I’d hope to be able to replace it AND use it to help her learn that won’t happen again and she needs to look after them from now on. (though emailing the school is too much)

And also if teachers are overworked and stressed which I know they are of course, it would be sensible to tell a 4yo at the time, if you don’t want to lose your sticker, stick it in your book/water bottle or put it safe inside your bag. It’s just asking for upset 4yos to make a big deal about stickers and then obviously they’ll get lost or grabbed by some other 4yo.

When people ask about building resilience it's very difficult to explain how, in practical terms.

This is your opportunity.

"Oh, I'm sorry about the sticker love. You should be really proud of how hard you've been trying at school"

Resilience is being ok without the sticker.

Trying to replace the sticker means that you think she's not ok without it.

She will be, don't replace it.

@Cel119 I was being sarcastic based on some of the other replies on here

What's rude about it?

It is factual and straightforward

Another thing to consider is that in teaching, every single time you agree to something, you have to ask yourself "Am I ok with 30 of them doing this?" Or in the headteacher's case, hundreds of them.

When we're talking about just one child, it's easy to think 'well just give them one more sticker and explain they really have to look after it' but then you have to allow the same for everyone else.

Now we're in a situation where any child who loses their sticker is allowed a new one. How many times? Do they get to just keep coming back for more? In what timeframe? Is it just the day of getting it that they're allowed to replace it? What about the day after? What about if they've had it stuck on their bedroom door for a month then their sister rips it off in anger and they're really upset?

If they just get one replacement, is that one replacement per sticker, or one per month or year? Or one ever? Who is tracking who has had replacement stickers? Are the office staff creating spreadsheets? Or do they just have to remember who has had replacements? There's a lot to think about. If they mess up and accidentally give a second replacement out, you can bet some parents will demanding their child gets another one too. (Yes I GUARANTEE you these conversations would happen between parents). Do the parents have to email each time a replacement is required? That's a lot of emails to deal with. Not to mention the effort put into having to word the "sorry your child has had their allocated replacement allowance this year" emails, and dealing with being asked for exceptions and deciding if they're good enough.

I know a lot of people will read this and think "it's just a sticker, you're making it too complicated" or "you can just do it for this one child as a one off. You don't have to do it for everyone" but we're on a 9-page thread about stickers so evidently it IS a big deal and parents WILL complain. The one thing that riles people up the most is "unfairness" and children not getting the same treatment.

So now unless you want to give the teachers or office staff extra sticker-tracking jobs, you're signing yourself up for complaints and hassle by doing this. It's much easier just to say no replacements. You get your sticker on the day and that's it.

OP don't deny your child the chance to learn that feelings can hurt but they're ok and she will get through it. Learning to deal with disappointment and loss with a sticker is preparing her for how to deal with greater disappointment later as an adult.

I don't think that it's silly for her to be upset. It's important to her. But you can't protect her from negative feelings and then throw her to the wolves when she's an adult and expect her to deal with heartbreak and all the adult issues that come, when she's never had chance to learn with a sticker. Don't interfere with the perfectly natural way that children gradually learn resilience.

You don't need to dismiss her feelings but you don't need to fix it either. Be there for her and empathise with her. Then when she's 7 and she loses a toy she loves because she wasn't careful, do the same. And when she's 9 and her best friend falls out with her do the same again. When she's 19 and her boyfriend breaks up with her, she will come to you and know you are there. You can't fix it but you're there and she will know then that even though it hurts she will be ok.

I used to teach abroad and I remember the absolute passion for stickers amongst this age group. We had to have a routine where stickers given out had to be immediately stuck down in their book or planner, because lost stickers caused emotional carnage.

I did give out replacements but the difference was that parents spoke to me directly about it, so nobody else had to get involved, and the school was well-resourced so there was a surplus of stickers at all times. In the UK, it just can't work like that, unfortunately. I do feel for the DD, though.

Yep, its going to be a long 7 years for all involved
I am not criticising I was probably as bad if not worse when PFB was in R BUT after many years of Primary and Secondary now I can see how unreasonable your request was and I also don't think the school was rude - just very busy and underesourced

Another thing to consider is that in teaching, every single time you agree to something, you have to ask yourself "Am I ok with 30 of them doing this?" Or in the headteacher's case, hundreds of them.

@OrcBytes well said. This should be an automated message on the school phones and email response to any complaint. If the parent can say ‘yes, I’m ok with 30 children doing this’ then and only then can the complaint be progressed to a human.

Because.....,rude, mean, harsh, grim, she's oany titchy, etc

A sticker. FFS.

This 👏👏👏

Excellent post @OrcBytes