AIBU to think our grandchildren will miss out on having grandparents?

[villagecrafts]

With so many children being born to older mothers, and fathers often older than them, it's normal these days to have a young family in your 40s.

I am an older Grandma because my own children didn't have children till their 40s. My grandchildren are all under 4, so by the time they settle down and have children their parents (my children) are likely to be in their eighties, or dead. Their grandchildren will be too young to remember them, and as grandparents may well be too old to take an active role in their grandchildren's lives.

At a conservative estimate a mother age 40 now, whose child eventually has a baby at age 38 = grandparents age 78 when their grandchild is born, and age 83 when they are five, which just might be old enough for the child to have a vague memory of grandparent, but not a childhood filled with happy memories of fun times with grandparents, like an extended family.

I'm really talking about our adult children, and feel sad they won't have the wonderful relationships with their grandchildren that bring so much joy to us all.

AIBU to think all three generations will miss out on this special relationship, not to mention the help with childcare?

I agree with you op but I suspect you will get flak for this

I agree but then my parents are alive and healthy and not that interested in ‘a special relationship’. I think the grandparent role is vital and really feel the loss of not having that extended family around us.

I only had two living grandparents by the time I was born. And one if those wasn't really interested. By contrast, my children had 4 grandparents and a great grandmother.

I never felt like I missed out.. I didn't know any different. I had a fantastic childless aunt.

I also know people in their 70s, approaching 80s who are extremely active and very involved grandparents and great grandparents. So don't write off the future grandparents

We’re 60 and 65 and our grandchild is 4.
Longevity on both maternal sides so not concerned. Expect to get my telegram.

I only had one living grandparent growing up who lived 400 miles away , only seen her a few times a year and it never did me any harm. Only seen extended family the same amount and it honestly wasn't a big deal to us.

I know a family who had children quite young. One lady is nearly 50 and still has her grandmother. I consider that to be a very fortunate position.

But yes if two generations in a row have children close to forty then yes the grandchildren will have a relatively short time with their grandparents.

I don't think it necessarily matters. Many people don't have a close relationship with their grandparents.

My mum had me in her twenties and I had my dc in my twenties...but she didn't survive to meet them.

It's not ideal. I am not someone who says it's fine, my dc haven't missed anything. They absolutely have. It's very sad but what can you do.

I had my DC at 30 and 35. My DC don't see their grandparents really because we live far away so our age makes no difference. It's sad but we can't uproot our jobs and their schools so they can get a few weekends at granny's house.

I do think having older people around definitely benefits children. I have memories of my grandparents and great grandparents.

There something to be said about the relationship and sharing of knowledge between the very old and very young. It’s lovely to see.

My children don’t have old grandparents in that sense but zero great parents in existence as they had their children later in life.

I do think it would be quite sad. I’ve been very lucky in that up until I was 10 I had grandparents on both sides and great-grandparents on my mum’s side. Even now I have both grandparents on my mum’s side. I now have a baby girl who has both grandparents on both sides, and great-grandparents on both sides.

It is so special to have 4 generations together with my little girl!

If I hadn't had my children late I wouldn't have had any - for many families it's their only option.

My dm married at 20 and both of her parents were already dead, my dad was older and his were dead too so I had no grandparents. I take your point though. My grown up dc are single and show no inclination to have dc, if they ever do I will likely be too old to be very involved (if i am still around). And yes they are very unlikely to be involved grandparents themselves in the future.

Parents yesteryear had such large families that they were still having children in their 40s though. My mum and dad were both the youngest of their broods, GParents were 42 when they had my dad, retired the same year I was born, looked after me whilst my parents worked as their time was free, died in their mid 90s when I was in my 30s. Surely that's a totally normal relationship and they got to meet their GGC.

My mum had my brother very young due to SA, GM at 38, GGM at 60. Potentially she could be a GGGM or even a GGGGM but I think that is the exception not the rule and probably not something to aim for.

The average of first time mothers is 32 , so if their parent were late twenties, then they’d become grandparents in their sixties , so plenty if time for the gc/grandparent relationship. However, there’ll be fewer great gp around.

This is something that bothers me having had my children at 34 and 37 and with the benefit of hindsight I do wish I'd started earlier but at the time I wasn't even sure I wanted children at all. I can't go back in time and change anything now and I try to remind myself that anything might happen; my children might move to the other side of the world when they're older, they might have children young or choose not to have children, I could get hit by a bus and die before they even reach adulthood (god forbid!) but my point is people need to have children if and when they're ready, not base it on some imaginary future scenarios.

ill get flamed for this one I bet haha but I think it’s the great grandparents that actually benefit young children the most intellectually/emotionally sharing much more vast knowledge with that extra step away from the direct parent.

Less judgy/I know best more this is the world and here’s everything I’ve seen.

I would rather have less time with any future grandchildren before I croak it than have settled with the wrong chap and be raising my children in an unhappy situation. Finding the right partner to have children with takes time but was my priority over what it will mean for me in my old age.

Society changes. Many women are choosing to have children later in life because society no longer focuses on a woman’s sole purpose as being as a wife and a mother, because she has other choices and can fulfil other ambitions first. I think that’s excellent. As a benefit to women, I think it far outweighs the benefit to a child of having younger grandparents.

Likewise, your point about childcare also harks back to a very different society. Grandmothers (and it was was largely grandmothers rather than grandfathers) often provided childcare for grandchildren because they didn’t work - in many cases because those women had been denied choice and prevented from having careers and money of their own as young women. If fewer grandmothers provide childcare nowadays, that’s also largely because they’ve taken advantage of the choice to do other things with their lives.

DS's partner (in their twenties no DC) has a great great GM. Her GM is roughly the same age as DH and I. I find the merging of the generations strange now. Someone asked if I was DD's GM when she was in nursery.

YANBU - I agree, having regrettably missed out on a relationship with 3 out of 4 of my grandparents, due to my parents having me in their late 30s (through no fault of their own, unfortunately down to fertility issues). I always loved seeing my remaining grandfather, but we lived a few hours from him, so visits were sadly infrequent, and he died when I was thirteen.

It's one of influencing reasons that I decided to have a family much younger, and we live five minutes from my mother, with whom my children have a close relationship and see 3-4 times a week. They love seeing my Dad too, but he lives further away. Sadly we aren't in contact with DH's parents.

Grandparents can have such a valuable role in a child's upbringing, and I'm so glad that my children haven't missed out, like I did.

So what, though? It would be naive to think the grandparental relationship is always a positive one, any more than parent-child relationships always are.

Having children very young is absolutely a worse idea from every POV other than a purely biological one. DH’s family (other than DH) have children very young (DH’s parents had three children by his mum’s 21st birthday, and DH’s mum’s mother was still having her own children (13 live births), so the generations are very close together. DH thus knew his great-grandparents as well as his grandparents, and DH’s great-nephews and -nieces also know their grandparents and great-grand-parents. The frequent downside is, bluntly, poverty, and children, or very young adults, having children, with no idea how to parent.

I'm in my late 50s and it's been the reality for myself and for my DC. My dad was orphaned at age 7 so he barely remembered his parents so we only had my mum's parents and they both died (in their early 70s) while I was in primary school. I'm the youngest of my siblings and born when my parents were mid 30s so my older siblings have more memories than I do.

Ex DH's dad died before we were married, mine died when my eldest was 4 months old. Exs mum died when DC were toddlers and they were left with my mum only who died when they were young teens but wasn't in very good health for the last few years so they barely saw her really.

I was a similar age to my parents when my DC were born and we aren't a long lived family. Ex DH is older than me and his family are similar. If my DC have children and are a similar age to me to when they have them, I'll be early 70s and Ex will be late 70s (if we live that long).

Having said all that, it's sad but it is what it is and you can't miss what you never had.

I don’t think it’s really to do with age. Most people move away for jobs whereas decades ago people tended to stay in their home town. My parents and grandparents all lived within walking distance of each other. One died before I was born (cancer), two I had no connection with, and one was wonderful and lived until 100!

I don’t know anyone who lives near their parents now and conversely it’s those who had children later whose parents are still alive. Lots of grandparents on here don’t seem to get on with their children (I’ve read a lot of criticism on here), lots of children don’t get on with their parents. Childcare seems the exception rather than the norm.

It’s lovely you have a relationship with your grandchildren, but many don’t and in my experience age isn’t the reason.

Yes, agree OP. This is exactly my family - my grandma was 73 when I was born, and my DM was 43. I have no memories of my grandma at all. I had DS at 32, but he's 5 now and my DM is 80 and very frail.

However, my MIL had DH at 28 and died in her 50s, and FIL is a pretty hale and hearty 68, but we rarely see him, even though he lives an hour away and works 20 minutes from where we live.