AIBU to think our grandchildren will miss out on having grandparents?

[villagecrafts]

With so many children being born to older mothers, and fathers often older than them, it's normal these days to have a young family in your 40s.

I am an older Grandma because my own children didn't have children till their 40s. My grandchildren are all under 4, so by the time they settle down and have children their parents (my children) are likely to be in their eighties, or dead. Their grandchildren will be too young to remember them, and as grandparents may well be too old to take an active role in their grandchildren's lives.

At a conservative estimate a mother age 40 now, whose child eventually has a baby at age 38 = grandparents age 78 when their grandchild is born, and age 83 when they are five, which just might be old enough for the child to have a vague memory of grandparent, but not a childhood filled with happy memories of fun times with grandparents, like an extended family.

I'm really talking about our adult children, and feel sad they won't have the wonderful relationships with their grandchildren that bring so much joy to us all.

AIBU to think all three generations will miss out on this special relationship, not to mention the help with childcare?

I just don’t think grandparents are that important. I don’t think it’s the special relationship that a lot of grandparents seem to want to portray. I had 50% of my grandparents until I was in my 30’s and although I was fairly close to them as a child (we went on holiday together etc.) if I hadn’t had them around it wouldn’t have made any difference to my life. I personally think way too much emphasis is put on “villages” and “extended family” these days when I don’t think kids really care about much more than the nuclear family. If that’s happy, kids are happy.

Imagine thinking life is this linear…… my friend’s toddler is going to lose his daddy in the next year or so. You don’t get to plan how things pan out, nor get to choose when people are ready to have a family.

I had my first at 32 second at 35. My parents are around 80 now. So yes they are pretty old. In terms of taking an active part. Theyve not have dc2 over to sleep etc. But then i had one gp left by 5yo. And they had 6gc including me so you dont get much 1-2-1 time anyway. Whereas my kwn parents see mone about once a month.
Im not really expecting gc anyway as mone have been horrifically hard going to raise due to asd/adhd/pda. 3.5yrs no sleep with dc2.
Theres not many dc on dp side either just 1 SDC. My sister was even older having dc and now nearly 50 with preteens.

Overall im hoping the next generation can buy houses young and have dc younger so late 20s as so many struggled with fertility issues which is epensive

I just don’t think grandparents are that important. I don’t think it’s the special relationship that a lot of grandparents seem to want to portray. I had 50% of my grandparents until I was in my 30’s and although I was fairly close to them as a child (we went on holiday together etc.) if I hadn’t had them around it wouldn’t have made any difference to my life. I personally think way too much emphasis is put on “villages” and “extended family” these days when I don’t think kids really care about much more than the nuclear family. If that’s happy, kids are happy.

Wow this is very sad to read, especially as you had an apparently good relationship with them!

I really value the relationships I had with my grandparents, they offer different views, different relationships, experience from a different generation. They absolutely helped shape me as a person. And I know my children will/do feel the same about theirs.

But fluffy stuff aside, our parents have been an integral help to us raising ours, not so much with every day care as they still work and live further away, but they have frequently had them for weekends and weeks at a time, which has been so helpful to our own mental health juggling busy careers and family life, getting that break, but also for our marriage, I know our marriage is stronger from the time we get alone.

I think i'm with you, my last GP died when i was 25, but i don't think i even cried. It was my mums mum that was last, i just felt relief that my own mum was free from the unrelentless burden of my lazy nan! My other GP's either died before i was born or when i was young.

I've never thought " i wish i spent more time with/knew them" just never crossed my mind! I find it hard enough fitting in time to see my brother and his children, never mind even more family.

My grandparents out lived both my parents so I would take nothing for granted. I was in my 50s when I became a Granny. Dgs's desire to "spend more time with Gangan" at every opportunity makes me smile. I have fond memories of spending time with my GPs so hoping he will have the same. Obviously having alive, fit and well GPs doesn't necessarily mean that they have the desire to spend time with their grandchildren either.

I had a planned pg at 28 - married 2 years had saved bulk of house deposit but had not bought as in HE and needed to move for work still.

Some family insisted it must be unplanned as we were so young and not "settled" - they'd had their kids younger but it was different times.

We got settled in time for eldest to start school as kids need to be settled meant it got prioritized that over careers- moved away from HE to permanent job bought house big enough for us - best laid plans etc went pair shaped - had to move again and DH went back to HE.

I heard a demographer saying at society level kids have stopped being something you did alongside education, career building saving for a house - now they are something you do when you've reached those milestones and at same time those milestones are getting ever later in life to achieve.

My paternal grandparents were well into their 90s and dead by mid 90s - Dad was dead at 80 after 15 years of ever increasing poor health. Same with MIL her parents well into their 90s but MIL mid 70s is starting to have health issues. So not sure those extra months in life expectancy are going be for everyone or be in good health.

DH and I both had DGP around into adulthood but I don't think we felt close - lots of other DGC and lots of changes in childrearing apparently between 50s/60s and 70s which led to conflict between parents and them. Been similar with us mainly round bf and weaning so as kids got older less friction.

IL have been in full time work and some distance from us but regularly visited us or us them - and the kids have done a lot with them over the years so have a solid bond.

We should get 10 years of children being financially independent to pay off mortgage and put by savings - even if kids boomerang back.

I think older parenthood will mean more sandwiching between ill parents and young kids - less time before retirement to build savings - but it's not on individuals who are making best of their options it's wider social pressures on them - so house prices more insecure job market longer time in education non of which seem to have easy solutions.

It depends on the families though. My kids will be sadder when my Mil dies than my Mom. My niece will be bereft when my Mom dies. I was sad when my Nan died but heartbroken when my Grandad died. It isn't the job title, it's the people and by association in many families grandparents are around more than other random people. I think all kids benefit from knowing nice people from different generations. That tends to be grandparents

Look at the end of the day women can have children when/if they want them. That’s all there is to it. It’s their right and thank for the lord for that.

Interesting thread.....I only ever had one grandparent, luckily she was a very good one! Warm, involved, lived close by....a doting maternal grandmother.
Sadly, she died aged 87 when I was 11 and I think things were never quite the same for me from then til adulthood.....I didn't have siblings so I think that made it harder....it sometimes felt like my mum and dad...then me (no close aunts or uncles either)
Both sides of the family there was a pattern of having children late- my dad was 46 when I was born in 1987, and his parents had died in the 1970s, before him and my mum even met and married.
My Grandfather on my mum's side died when she was young (and he was only in his 60s) again in the 1970s.

It did always bother me abit if I'm honest.....I had friends who had multiple grandparents including grandads and I did feel something was missing especially after my grandma died.
I really hoped my kids would have a full set of doting grandparents, but sadly it wasn't to be as my dad died afew years ago, and my husbands parents are toxic and dysfunctional, so we have had to make the decision to go no contact with them.

My mum is 73 now (had me at 36) and my children are 7&3....I am desperately clinging to the hope that my kids will get most of their childhoods with her as I think having a grandparent is so important growing up.
But even if she lives til a good age unfortunately it's quite possible she won't see them get married or become a great grandma.
I am trying to break the cycle somewhat as I started having my children younger (late 20s) in the hope things might be different for the next generation.

I had an older grandparent, who died when I was 6. I had a younger grandparent, who died young when I was 8.

Hard to determine what will/will not happen. I loved both desperately, and knew both loved me.

I have had children later than I thought I would. Many Millennials have. But that is because of macroeconomics, a few wars, and a pandemic. I'm hoping the world my children grow up in will mean they don't have to postpone parts of their lives because of circumstances outside their control.

They might not want to.get married or have children.