AIBU to think our grandchildren will miss out on having grandparents?

[villagecrafts]

With so many children being born to older mothers, and fathers often older than them, it's normal these days to have a young family in your 40s.

I am an older Grandma because my own children didn't have children till their 40s. My grandchildren are all under 4, so by the time they settle down and have children their parents (my children) are likely to be in their eighties, or dead. Their grandchildren will be too young to remember them, and as grandparents may well be too old to take an active role in their grandchildren's lives.

At a conservative estimate a mother age 40 now, whose child eventually has a baby at age 38 = grandparents age 78 when their grandchild is born, and age 83 when they are five, which just might be old enough for the child to have a vague memory of grandparent, but not a childhood filled with happy memories of fun times with grandparents, like an extended family.

I'm really talking about our adult children, and feel sad they won't have the wonderful relationships with their grandchildren that bring so much joy to us all.

AIBU to think all three generations will miss out on this special relationship, not to mention the help with childcare?

It’s nothing new though - women have been having kids into their 40s forever. My 2 best friends were born when their mothers were in their 40s, they’re mid 30s now and no kids yet. There are masses of parents at my kids’ schools who had kids in their 40s and a lot of them have parents in their 80s.

I was 33 and 35 when my children were born, by which time only my mother was left out of all four grandparents - they were older parents for the time (eg my father was 39 when I was born) and they all died relatively young. We definitely felt the lack of grandparents compared to other families, but my mum was very close to my children so that did help make up for it. However, she died at the age of 80 when my youngest was ten. It was too soon; I do feel unlucky that she didn’t live long enough to see my children grow up, and that they never even got to meet their other grandparents. Perhaps I am too bitter, but I think that no one else really cares about my kids, they just pay lip service to caring about them, at best, and at worst are actively competitive/hostile. By contrast I think their grandparents would have cared and both sides would have benefited from the relationship. Being without grandparents really is a huge loss and it’s rarely acknowledged.

My dad’s mother was 48 when she had him (post-war baby). I never met her. He says it was like being raised by his grandparents (nearest sibling was already 17 when he arrived).

My mum’s mum was 51 when I was born and still working full time 200 miles away. (Mum was 23 having me. Her mum was 28 having her.) They weren’t a regular influence in our lives.

My mum was 56 when DD was born and still working full time 6,000 miles away. (I was 33.) She’s not overseas anymore but is still working pretty much full time at 70 and has a lovely relationship with both of her grandchildren. Same for my dad at 77. She absolutely didn’t want to be a grandmother any sooner.

DH’s parents are in their 70s and very disinterested in grandchildren generally. They live near 6/7 of them but don’t really know much about them. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I see grandparents as the potential sprinkles on the cake, rather than a fundamental part of the recipe.

While some people will have kids in their 40ties, it's much more common, statistically speaking, to have them in 30ties.

My parents are young (mid 50ties, had me in their early 20ties), but don't see my LO often because we moved abroad. I think age is just one piece of a puzzle. Not everyone will stay near their parents, not everyone parents will remain healthy, not every family has a close relationship.

Some grandparents aren't interested. People move away. Some people sadly die young. There's never any guarantee of grandparents.
I had all 4 until my late 20s, not one of them was really in my life.

It's my only regret about having children later (37 and 39). DH was 46.

My parents were in their early 20s when I was born so even though I left it late they were only 60 when I had DC and were very present in DCs childhood. Not for childminding though. My mother offered but I wanted her to enjoy being a grandparent without feeling obligated.

Now DC are in their 20s and nowhere near ready for children I imagine we'll be too old to do much if they do eventually.

People are entitled to have children whenever suits them (if at all).

These days for a number of reasons lots of people prefer to wait until they are in their thirties or forties.

It is a persons prerogative. End of. People cannot and shouldn’t be forced to have children any earlier than they want to.

I agree. My grandparents were a massive part of my life (and they still are even though they’re gone now).

my kids won’t get that for other reasons than age. As a poster above me said age is just one reason for grandparents not being close.

I had my kids in 2006 & 2007.
DH's dad born in 1937 literally refused to hold them or really have any interest in the till well, well past the toddler stage.
MIL was firmly in the, had three kids and leaving them to cry on the garage never did them any harm, mentality. But this flipped to I'll be the best imaginary grandparent full of imagination and magic, when that didn't work out with a four year old, we've had little effort since.
My parents were also in a weird 'this is how we grandparent's stereotype.

I don't think the relationships have been at all valuable unlike the ones with neighbours, various teachers, community project they truely have been incredibly memorable.

I hope we'll be around to support our kids become parents but the whole baby thing, been there, done it, I don't seem to have the same imaginary longing as the previous generation. And that goes for being mother of the bride and various other milestone events that they crowed about.

My parents were slightly older having me (by 80s standards - 34,35) but we’ve managed to negate that by having our children fairly young (27 first child; 30 second), so they were in their early 60s when they were born. Both sets of grandparents are an almost daily feature in our lives - helping with childcare and generally just lots of socialising with us, and my children adore them. They are all in their 70s now and I’m glad we had our boys young as I honestly couldn’t ask them to do the same level of childcare now that they did ten years ago.

It was ever thus, though. About half of Elizabethan children had no grandparents alive by the time they were born, as life expectancies were shorter and the average age of all women giving birth was 30 or so, with their husbands being about 3 years older; most women who married continued having children into their late 30s.

The period immediately after WW2 was very unusual. The age of first time marriage fell to about 21 for women and 23 for men, but couples on average had only about 2 or 3 kids and did not keep going through their. 30s and beyond. So you had this very odd period for about 30 years after WW2 when most babies were being born to parents in their early and mid 20s. meanwhile medical advances were helping grandparents live longer. So grand parenting lasted an unusually long period of time during this period. A nice thing in many ways, but not especially traditional.

You are right OP but it isn't a new thing.

I'm 60. My maternal DGM died when my mum was 16. Maternal DGF died the same year my mum married. My paternal DGF died in a farming accident before I was born. My paternal dgm died when I was six months old.

I had ds at 45. I doubt he'll have children before he's 30 so I'll be mid 70s. I firmly intend to still be around but if I'm not, I'm sure he and his children will cope.

My ds has a pseudo-granny, an elderly neighbour whose own grand children are in NZ. People adapt.

Doesn’t feel like a new thing to me. I grew up without grandparents and I only have one parent left.

I feel it deeply. Not so much the not knowing my grandparents (although I felt jealous when my friends talked about theirs when I was little) but the losing a parent at a relatively young age.

Just because you can have kids when you’re old doesn’t mean you should. I’m very pro adoption because it’s often children looking for homes rather than babies, so that helps with the age issue.

I’m sure the above will upset some people, but I can’t change how upset I am to only have one linear ancestor left. I do feel like I’ve missed out. I’m going to be a mess when I’m finally orphaned.

My parents didn't have me until they were 38 and 35- not for lack of trying before that. My dad's mum died when he was 16 so I wouldn't have known her unless he'd have been an inappropriately young father! His dad I got to spend lots of time with but he sadly died in a road accident when I was 5 years old. Age wasn't a factor in it, just random and very sad.

I knew both my other grandparents and also had other family members and friends who were grandparent figures and around until my 20s. My kids also knew/know all four grandparents, my dad only died 5 years ago.

I had DDs in my 30s so if I get that far I might be a granny in my 60s, which seems quite normal to me.

I agree! Reason I was keen to have DC young...haven't had them as young as I would have liked to as hadn't met DH. I'm grateful my parents are 'young' parents and can be energetic hands on grandparents...ILs are quite a bit older and just don't have the same relationship or energy to go to soft play or run around a park (partly think it's personality too, not just age)! Don't mean to cause any offence with this, just my experience!

I agree!

we had my son late 20s party for this reason, our friends thought we were mad because we didn’t have our own home yet and neither of us were earning good money yet.

8 years on and we have the house and my DH the better paid job.

you just don’t get that time back, I honestly wish more parents would just go for it

I agree OP but it isn't a popular view on Mumsnet. My parents were 40 and 44 when I was born and I only ever knew one grandparent. And my parents were elderly, and then dead, long before those of my friends. I know there are no guarantees in life but I do feel I missed out. And there are many children growing up nowadays who may feel the same.

Having children later may mean the loss of a long relationship with grandparents, but that doesn't mean it doesn't come with lots of other benefits. It's for each couple to weigh up what's best for them.

Definitely better to have children in a stable relationship and with comfortable finances than to have them in less favourable conditions just so they have grandparents.

Love the description upthread of grandparents being sprinkles on the cake rather than key ingredients.

PIL were mid 70s when we had ours, they're brilliant grandparents and utterly adored by my DC.

Most people in the UK miss out on the extended family… grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins etc…. I think the extended family are not important in the UK society. Focus is on the nuclear family only.

I didn't have any grandparents and it didn't matter to me whatsoever.

My mother told me very frequently that if I got pregnant (young) she wouldn't be raising the baby for me . I don't know why she said that because I wasn't in a risk category for a teen or even 20s pregnancy. I had never expressed an interest in babies nor had I ever brought up the subject with her.
I had my first DC at 35.
With an attitude like that she was never going to be a young granny 🤷🏻‍♀️

I guess there are no guarantees in life with things like these, although I do understand your point Op. My parents had me in their mid 30’s and I very sadly lost my mum when I was just 25. My grandparents on my dad’s side were long passed before I was born and on my mum’s side they were in their 80’s in care homes. I don’t have any memories of grandparents as such but became exceptionally close with my mum and my aunt, who was like a bonus mum to me when mine passed. Kids are really accepting of their particular circumstances - I never missed what I’d never had.
My mum died at just 60, some people live until they’re 100 and in reasonably good health. There’s literally no way of knowing what’s going to be.

I was born in 1960. We only had one grandparent growing up who lived in a different country. Two died before I was born and one not long after, due to poor healthcare e.g. TB

I agree, parents are getting older and that mean grandparents are getting older. The average for your 1st child is till early 30s (31 I believe).

It wouldn’t make that much difference to us, yes we see our parents occasionally but not often and they don’t help. My parents haven’t seen the kids since mid July.

Yes but people are living longer so that possibly cancels out.

I never knew either of my grandfathers as they were both significantly older fathers. I don't suppose it really affected me as i didn't know!

My DD only has one grandparent despite us all being "younger" parents.