AIBU to think our grandchildren will miss out on having grandparents?

[villagecrafts]

With so many children being born to older mothers, and fathers often older than them, it's normal these days to have a young family in your 40s.

I am an older Grandma because my own children didn't have children till their 40s. My grandchildren are all under 4, so by the time they settle down and have children their parents (my children) are likely to be in their eighties, or dead. Their grandchildren will be too young to remember them, and as grandparents may well be too old to take an active role in their grandchildren's lives.

At a conservative estimate a mother age 40 now, whose child eventually has a baby at age 38 = grandparents age 78 when their grandchild is born, and age 83 when they are five, which just might be old enough for the child to have a vague memory of grandparent, but not a childhood filled with happy memories of fun times with grandparents, like an extended family.

I'm really talking about our adult children, and feel sad they won't have the wonderful relationships with their grandchildren that bring so much joy to us all.

AIBU to think all three generations will miss out on this special relationship, not to mention the help with childcare?

My parents had all three of their children by the age of 25 and all their parents were dead by the time I was eight. Life holds no guarantees.

Good point about ententes family in general. Now my children do not like their only two cousins so that does make it a struggle on that part.

But yes the family as such only gathers hugely for a wedding or funeral. Dh’s side will only be funerals coming unless some divorces happen. There will be a wedding due my side but they have already said it’s no children and only around 10 guests. Also planning on staying child free.

So you get down to me, dh, my sibling and their partner, dh sibling and their partner. Are the only people in our generation, as dh’s cousins are older by a long shot and are off in their little circles. My cousins are better not spoken about. My side and his side do not mingle at all.

So once parents/grandparents all die off. It will just be us, our children and their partners and possibly any children they have unless something drastically changes between the cousins or child free ends up not child free.

It varies so much though. My maternal grandfather died when my mother was 3...so I obviously never met him. He was 23 when my mum was born.
On the other side, I had my children at 37 and 40 and they both met (and remember) my grandmothers. In my case, it was nothing to do with not meeting the right man or infertility (dh and I have been together since we were 22), I just didn't want children.

My sister had her daughter mid-thirties, but our mum died of cancer while she was pregnant. She was only in her sixties. Maybe on a population level there will be a greater proportion of older grandparents, but equally people are living longer. I think people living further away from where they grew up is more of a factor in the grandparent relationship tbh - many people can't afford to live and start families where their parents live, so you may have grandparents a couple of hours away. That's not going to give you the same sort of support and close relationship that having kids a few streets away from your parents will.

I think it is a shame that people will miss out on special grandparent relationships but I don't think that is specific to the increasing age of parents.
There's lots of reasons people don't have a strong relationship with their grandparents.
There's also many different reasons why people don't have children until they're 'older' and many people don't have the luxury of taking grandparent relationships into that decision process.
I think we all just have to do the best with the time we have. If the relationship is important to you, then make the most of it while you can.

My parents had me in their early 20s and my dad's mum had passed when he was 16 and his dad passed shortly after I was born. My granny is still alive and well and just into her 70s now so although I was born to young parents I only got to know half of my grandparents.

I had my Gran until my 40s.

My children had lost all 4 before they hit 10 years old despite all only being 60/61 when they were born. 2 died and the other 2 don't give a shit.

There are no guarantees whatsoever

They probably will miss out on some things assuming grandparents are relatively local and interested. However, what can you do about it? You can't really encourage having kids young in this climate.

I'm a young grandmother. My DC had an older one. There's pros and cons. I was only late 40s when first DGC arrived and have been able to be very hands on and help my adult DC with some of the heavier stuff I wouldn't have expected from their GPs. On the negative side, I'll be working FT till they leave school so long school holidays of walks and baking won't be on the cards. My DD did comment on me not bring a 'nan nan' like she had, which was a reference to relaxed days with retired GPs as oppose to the different experience of one not much older than some other DCs mums. Though perhaps I'll have great grandchildren to be a 'nan nan' to.

my Mum was the youngest by a long way, and her parents lived the other end of the country, so we saw them maybe once a year. My other grandfather died when I was 2. I have survived reasonably well. My own grandchildren live abroad, but video calling has kept us in touch and they know me. I don’t think this is a new problem, but it’s a lot easier to keep in touch now

My (only DC) was born when I was 40 and DH was 46, and more than a decade on, still has four grandparents (all in their 80s, touch wood).

Whereas our parents had us in their 20s and 30s and our grandparents died younger.

It depends so much. I think this country's got the most 80 and 90-somethings it's ever had?

Not all grandparents want a special relationship or to offer childcare. There are often threads on MN from grandparents saying how they want to travel etc instead.

My DC is only a baby, I am an older FTM. This wasn't be choice, we had fertility issues. I may miss out on being a grandma due to my age. But my child may not want kids? It's becoming more challenging as the years go by to provide a stable lifestyle that's suitable to raise children in.

I'm the opposite end of the scale and the issue with childcare is there as grandparents are still working.
When I was born, my mum was 21, my nan was 38 and my great nan was 55. None were at retirement age so weren't available for childcare.

I had no maternal grandparents (grandad died when mum was a child and Nanna died when I was 6 months old). My dad's parents (both in their 50's when I was born), were complete arseholes and we had very little contact with them. TBH I'd rather have had none than those 2 twats.

When I was a child, right up to being almost 20 I had 3 great-grandparents and all 4 grandparents still alive - out of 7, only 2 brought any joy to my life and wanted to play any part in my life. My favourite grandmother was mid 40s when she gave birth to my parent (so an older parent), lived until her 90s and saw me grow up into an adult, on the other hand my PITA grandmother had her DC very young and was only 50 when I was born. She might still be alive, but I don’t really see her.

So from my fortunate experience, I don’t agree. Age guarantees nothing.

I wouldn't worry @villagecrafts. From other posts, grandparents are allowed the sum total of fuck all without being accused - angrily - of being interfering and judgmental anyway.

It’s no big deal. Some people have some things, others do not have them. Every life is different. A kid with engaged grandparents might have an alcoholic father or a Mum with depression. Kid next door may have no granny living but a Mum with perfect mental health. You win some, you lose some. We all know what we know. No point worrying about minor differences.

I think you're probably right, & it's very sad, but there's nothing to be done about it, so what's the point in fretting over it??

I was so lucky to have 4 living grandparents till I was 16

3 living great grandparents till I was about 10

Im 39 this year and still have both my grandfather's.

Unfortunately, my dad isn't that interested in my kids and I an NC with my mother.

DH parents have decided to live in Australia and only see the kids once every 2/3 years.

It saddens me often. I hope to encourage my DC to have children young if they want them and give them lots of help. I would love to be an active involved grandmother someday.

on the Elderly Parents’ topic there seem to be quite a few people in their 70s whose parents in their 90s expect them to run round after them. Surely this is a downside of having young parents. Healthy grandparents who are retired are free to spend more them with their grandchildren.

An active/involved grandparent can be a nice addition but it’s not necessary for a happy childhood.

So many thoughtful and interesting perspectives - thank you.

I am not fretting. I feel extremely blessed now, while recognising that not all grandparents, (if they even exist) are remotely interested in their grandchildren, or live too far away to really know them or offer support even if they wanted to.

My own grandparents were rarely to be seen - one lot the other side of the world, so strangers, the other I do have fond memories of, because although I rarely saw them the few times I visited (less than a hand's count) their home life seemed comfortingly normal compared to my own home life.

I come from a fractured family who had zero support, mental health problems, ostracization, alcoholism, suicides and early deaths. So when I was younger I was far from blessed, and for all my adult life have been the only one left with any memory of those traumatic times.

I was lucky that I fell in love early on with a wonderful man but, while I do feel blessed, I am also recently widowed, and the only grandparent alive.

Now, while a sadness will always remain that my beloved DH is not here to share this special time, I think my history of loss and deprivation (which goes right back to my early childhood) is why I cherish what I have now.

I definitely don't think anyone should have children with the wrong person just so they have them young - or for any other reason.

My own children didn't meet the right partners till relatively late, but because I was a young mother myself I am still young and active enough to offer childcare (how anyone can afford full-time nursery fees is beyond me).

It should have been me and DH doing this together, and on my own it is hard work but incredibly rewarding.

Which is an excellent point as a lot of people are working longer. I have no plans to retire for maybe another 15-20 years. My own DD will be 40 at that point. If I am working, she doesn't stand much chance of asking me to do childcare.

What's your solution OP?

Society isn't set up for people to have children earlier, and I really don't think a possible lack of grandparents should be the reason anyone decides not to have a child at an older age.

This is something I think about a lot, having had my first child at 39. I hope I’m in good enough health to be in any future grandchildren’s lives. Not least to let my DS and DD experience what it’s like to have family help. We wouldn’t know what that looked like: DH’s parents are long gone and mine were only partially interested. For show.