AIBU to think our grandchildren will miss out on having grandparents?

[villagecrafts]

With so many children being born to older mothers, and fathers often older than them, it's normal these days to have a young family in your 40s.

I am an older Grandma because my own children didn't have children till their 40s. My grandchildren are all under 4, so by the time they settle down and have children their parents (my children) are likely to be in their eighties, or dead. Their grandchildren will be too young to remember them, and as grandparents may well be too old to take an active role in their grandchildren's lives.

At a conservative estimate a mother age 40 now, whose child eventually has a baby at age 38 = grandparents age 78 when their grandchild is born, and age 83 when they are five, which just might be old enough for the child to have a vague memory of grandparent, but not a childhood filled with happy memories of fun times with grandparents, like an extended family.

I'm really talking about our adult children, and feel sad they won't have the wonderful relationships with their grandchildren that bring so much joy to us all.

AIBU to think all three generations will miss out on this special relationship, not to mention the help with childcare?

Sorry should have said v. fortunate for everyone. I lost my last GP aged 35, her oldest greatgrand child was 16.

What's the alternative! Have kids before you're ready for the sake of the grandparents?! I do think it's sad not to have loving grandparents around, but it's not much in anyone's control.

My parents had me in their mid 20s. I had all four grandparents, who in hindsight weren't that old - one set were mid 40s, the other mid 50s - but I rarely saw them and they certainly acted older than my Mum does in her 70s. I don't remember them ever taking me anywhere or doing anything very fun for a child.

My child only has one grandparent due to the others all dying before 60, but does have amazing aunts and adult cousins who all fill the grandparent role. DC isn't lacking in caring adult family members.

My grandparents had 2 dc (my uncles) in their 20's

They had another (my aunt) a few years after that (cheers ww2)

They thought that was the end of that,until my aunt got to 14/15 and along came my father

He grew up,lost his mum at 19,met and married my mother just before he turned 21 and they where married 7 years before I popped out (3 stillbirths and where told they'd never have kids-they ended up with 4)

I only had 14 precious years with my darling grandad (I never met my granny),18 months of those years with him in a home,not knowing who I was and the other grandparents on my mother's side where evil fuckers who didn't want to know us

Thanks to me having kids early,mine have grandparents (but they are narc fuckers so no bonus) and have just had their great-grandchildren (my granddaughter)

It's just how life has panned out-if I hadn't have had my amazing granddad,grandparents would not have added anything to my life

Before you are ready ?What does ready mean ? I took the plunge at 28, realising I may have never felt ready. I think for a lot of people if you wait till you feel ready you may risk finding it is too late. Personally I think it is far harder to adjust to parenthood after 20 years of pleasing yourself adulthood than after 5 or 6. But then neither do I think parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done.

Well, for me being “ready” involved having a partner I had been with for long enough to commit to a future together. It comes across as really smug to suggest that anyone who wants it can have that at age 28. I would have dearly loved my then boyfriend to want to have kids and a life with me but he thought differently and dumped me unceremoniously. Took a long time after that to meet anyone else.

This isn't a new thing, before reliable contraception women gave birth until they hit menopause or died, whichever came first.

Many many babies were born with no living grand parents, especially no Grandads due to WW1 and WW2.

True. Having grandparents is a modern thing. In the past unless you lived in cultures where women had all their babies between 10-19 it just wasn’t possible.

Yes that is what most people ( women?) say when probed that it was the lack of a willing partner, this is very much a male problem as well. Having an unplanned DC youngish had it's challenges (4 homes and 4 jobs before he went to school). Just different challenges.

I was born in the 50s and don't remember any if my grandparents. I was the 2nd child, my parents were in their mid 20s when I was born, so young by today's norm. But, a combination of wars, no vaccinations, no anti biotics, smoking and a just a generally harder life meant that none of them lived to see their GCs grow up. By contrast, my children had all their grandparents until they were well into their 30s. They are now both in their 40s, no children from either, and not likely either. I am sure it will just vary by everyone's circumstances and everyone will just get on with it.

Yay for you.

Different for everyone. But common reasons for not being ready might be -

Not met a suitable partner
Financially unable to support a child
Not mature enough - many people in their early 20s, imo, are not.
Not healthy (I know people who had significant health struggles in their teens and 20s which made those years not good for childbearing).

I can think of plenty more.

My mam had me at 35 (father was 31) but then I had DS at 23. He had 3 grandparents and 5 great grandparent when he was born and at 11 has 3 grandparents and 2 great grandparents.

I always thought I would be an older mam but we are so glad accidents happen, as having him young means he has grown up with us (seen us build a life) and had chance to have a massive extended family to show him traditions and love.

You are never ready for a family be it at 20 or 40 it's a massive life changing event you adapt to which I hope DS realises and doesn't leave having kids until he is to old.

TBH I think the issue are more societal the thought that grandparents aren't expect to help look after the next generation is horrific to us. My parents did it as actual childcare as they had retired early, for us it will be likely picking up the nursery bill for DS or DH going parent time to split it with a future DIL's parents.

We had a small amount of help get on the property ladder and renovate our 1st house. We will do the same for DS.

Depends on the individuals.

My DM was young when she had me. I was in my mid twenties when I had my DC.

My DC have enjoyed a really close, fun relationship with my DM, their nan. Roller coasters, fun fairs, horse riding, Alton Towers, dancing with her at parties, bouncy castles! You name it, she's done it with them!

So yes, had DM and I both been older mothers, my DC would definitely have missed out. Really missed out on her and her them.

However!!! The other grandparents (my DHs side) were also young enough to spend tons of quality time with our DC but chose not to. (Well, my DHs miserable step mother wouldn't allow my DHs father to have a relationship with his own grandchildren but that's another story).

5-10 years, even a bloody month of a loving, close relationship between grandparents and their grandchildren is far preferable to 30 years of total indifference. (Looking at you in-laws.)

So you didn’t “take the plunge at 28” at all- you had an unplanned pregnancy!

So you didn’t “take the plunge at 28” at all- you had an unplanned pregnancy!

She had options. Pregnancy is a choice in this country.

Choosing to keep an accidental pregnancy is completely different to deciding that you are ready to have kids and taking active steps to start a family. That poster was deriding people who say they are not ready, and therefore do not choose to start families at 28.

When she was in fact trying not to have a kid at 28 herself, otherwise the pregnancy would not have been unplanned, would it?

@HotCrossBunplease it's semantics. I think you could very much class proceeding with a pregnancy, planned or not, as taking the plunge. Perhaps you felt misled but I don't think she's completely undermined herself.

we are all working for longer and living longer so having children later should all even out on average.
on average my life expectancy is about 7-8 years more than my parents whose was 8 years more than their parents (my gps) so despite having my dc older I still can expect to live to see then well into their child rearing years (if they do choose to have children).

My mum was 25 when she had me ( in the late 1970s) and my gran was 25 when she had mum. So my gran was only 50 when I was born. She lived to a really old age so I still had a granny into my 40s. We were incredibly close and I am so grateful for her role in my life. YANBU OP.

DM was 18 when she had me and I was 29/32 when I had children. My DCs will be 17 & 14 by the time she retires, so just a tad past needing childcare. The hundreds of miles of distance are also a bit of a logistical glitch.

DH was the youngest of a large family and MiL had him at 40. He had the DCs at 39/42. She died a few years ago in her 90s. Again distance was a major logistical glitch.

We fucked up on the free grandparent childcare by having children too young and too old!

Fortunately grandparents are just a nice bonus for those who hit the age/personality/ location jackpot and are not an essential requirement for wholesome childhoods.

Having a supportive co-parent, and stability are more important considerations for raising children than trying to plan a family around grandparents.

Continuing an unintended pregnancy is a choice.

Life expentency has fallen, how old are you that your life expectancy is 8 years more than your parents ?

Life expectancy dropped a tiny bit recently. Otherwise it's increased by 40 years since 1900. The drop is nothing.

I’m late 40s. The OP seemed to be discussing my generation as the first to have babies “too late”. My youngest is11.
My parents are late 70s. We’re in Scotland which might affect things. My parents were born at the end of the war and my GPs were war generation.
Average life expectancy for my GPs was late 60s, mid 70s for my DPs and 80 for me.

My grandparents were a major part of my life and really shaped my development. I remember being the only child in my primary school class who had all 4 grandparents alive.

They were caring and freely gave their time to all of their grandchildren and we grew up as a really close family.

My cousins had their children quite early so some of the great grandchildren knew them from about their mid 70s/early 80s.

I was born when my Grandma was 55, the other 60.

All of them lived to mid/late 90s, this however has affected my parents relationship with their grandchildren as for the past 10 years (my DC is 10 and my DN 15 and 13) they have been looking after their parents with dementia, heart disease, having to put them on care homes where they hated it and wouldn't settle.

They haven't had the time to be grandparents the way their parents did, as they have been carers.

My Great grandparents died when my parents were in their teens. I've just lost my last grandparent at 45, my cousin is 54. They had great- great grandchildren.

This is true for many of my friends too - our parents in their late 60s and 70s are full time carers for their parents in their late 90s. When we think back to our relationships with our grandparents our children don't have the same. Simply because our parents don't have time. They are exhausted from being unpaid carers.

Neither of my grandmothers were interested in having a relationship with my sibling and me and we survived without either. 🤷🏼‍♀️
My parents and my sibling and I were NC with our Mother and LC with our Father, so our children have fared okay without grandparents (my DDs' paternal grandmother lives in Europe and doesn't speak English, so they have no relationship with her).
You don't always miss what you don't know.
If my DDs are sensible and don't have children 'til their 30s, then I'll be in my 70s and possibly moribund, if not dead, as all my family tend to die of cancer in their early 70s. 🙃