AIBU to think our grandchildren will miss out on having grandparents?

[villagecrafts]

With so many children being born to older mothers, and fathers often older than them, it's normal these days to have a young family in your 40s.

I am an older Grandma because my own children didn't have children till their 40s. My grandchildren are all under 4, so by the time they settle down and have children their parents (my children) are likely to be in their eighties, or dead. Their grandchildren will be too young to remember them, and as grandparents may well be too old to take an active role in their grandchildren's lives.

At a conservative estimate a mother age 40 now, whose child eventually has a baby at age 38 = grandparents age 78 when their grandchild is born, and age 83 when they are five, which just might be old enough for the child to have a vague memory of grandparent, but not a childhood filled with happy memories of fun times with grandparents, like an extended family.

I'm really talking about our adult children, and feel sad they won't have the wonderful relationships with their grandchildren that bring so much joy to us all.

AIBU to think all three generations will miss out on this special relationship, not to mention the help with childcare?

I’m 42, very unexpectedly pregnant with my second and this is something I worry about too OP. Especially because my own Mum is only 60 as she had me very young.

I had my youngest at 33, so chances are if he has children at a similar age I will see his children grow to adulthood but I have this niggling feeling it won’t be the same with my second and it does make me sad.

With that said though- my Dad died at 26 when I was 3, so you just don’t know what’s round the corner! Plus my Mum lives on the other side of the world and we are lucky if we get to see her once a year over Christmas/New Year.

Try not to worry.

I would add that I expect to be working until I'm 67, health permitting, so if dd is wanting free childcare, she's going to have to wait until she is at least 35 to get it!

I would further add that my two youngest grandparents died long before the oldest ones, so being younger is no guarantee of still being around. My dad's dad and my mum's mum both died in their sixties.

But if everyone had children younger then grandparents would still be working full time till 67 and would themselves be potentially responsible for their own aged parents.
It's pointless highlighting one aspect of family life without considering all others. My example above is just one. As pps have pointed out, jobs, financial stability, location etc all play apart. Retirees moving abroad is another factor. I live 10 mins from my dd. Her Dad lives 900 miles away living his 'dream life'. We'll both be grandparents next year but only one of us will be active in the dgc life.

Whoa! This come off slightly arrogant!

I'm 52 and my mum had me when she was 39. I vaguely remember meeting my maternal grandparents once, on the paternal side they were already dead. I've never known them so don't miss that relationship. I would have liked to have met them, but more out of interest than as familial relations. I'm told I have inherited some of my paternal grandfather's ways, so it would have been nice to see it first hand. Don't feel I missed out, though. 🤷‍♀️

Mum was 36 when she had me, I was 31 when I had my first. When my son was born, he had 3 grandparents (sadly lost FIL the year before) and 5 great grandparents (all 4 of mine were still alive, all over 90 at the time and DH's grandma was just turning 80). I'm due my second early next year, and my second child will have 3 grandparents (my parents and MIL). We lost all the great grandparents in a 4 year period and it was brutal. My son is 4 now and does definitely remember his great grandparents. We have photos up of them and he will tell you who they all are and has nicknames for all of them.

His bond with my parents and MIL is fabulous. He adores them all. They're all approaching 70/ slightly over 70 but all very fit and active. We forget, i think, that the age at which you become 'old' is much later than it used to be. My grandparents were all completely fit until their mid 80's and lived until their mid 90's, I hope my parents will be the same so it's not all lost.

No one in my family has been born with living great grandparents, I think my dad had one grandparent he knew, and I know my mum only had one, and both of those were dead before my parents were in their 20's. My first grandparent died when I was 13, and they'd all been disabled in some way all my life, and 18 my ds only has one living grandparent/ So its nothing new for my family tbh and I'd much rather ds has years of studying, socialising and being free before having a child (if he so chooses) rather than thinking about grandparents

I had my kids reasonably young by todays standard, and the fact that I wanted them to have lots of time with my lovely DM and DMIL was part of the reason why. In turn, if my kids have kids, I'll likely be young enough to be an active participant.

There are still plenty of people having children before they’re 40 though.

My 7yo has memories of his great great grandmother. Has frequent days out with his great grandparents, and sleepovers with his grandparents who both still work full time.

I don’t think there are a huge majority of children who aren’t trying to have a grandparent experience because of age.

I'll be doing everything i can to encourage my children to have their families earlier.if that means DH and I downsizing to free up money to help them buy homes, that's what we'll do.

@familysquare I doubt that was OP's intention. There's nothing wrong with having pride in upon health, and to delight in the prospect of spending another 30-40 years in your grandchild's life!

My in laws had their first at 19, then all 3 of their kids had kids young so they have 11 grandkids, half of them grown up (2 with their own kids)
Introduce me..I'm having a surprise baby at 42 and sadly my own mother died a month ago before I had even told her and my fil died 3 years ago. My dad died at 39 so my baby will only know my mil as a grandparent. Yes he will miss out and it is terribly sad

One's health.

Is there any evidence that people with lots of money have children younger though? I think it's the opposite!

If I had them earlier (35,40) then they wouldn't have the life and lifestyle they have now. It does sound a bit cold but I think their future is what we are focusing on. I know that we probably won't be very active if we have GC or even be here and I'm ok with that.
My effort is for my kids and I'm happy with just that, GC would be a bonus.

Yes. But what are you suggesting? My mother had me at 35 and my younger sister at 38. I had my kids in my 40s and my sister had hers at 45!
There's also plenty of other reasons why grandparents may not have a close relationship with their grandkids- distance is a big one (my parents lived in a different country to their parents); low interest (that would be my in laws), health, dementia etc. Or the opposite- they may be very healthy and active and busy doing their own thing!
Better to look at those who have a good grandchild/grandparent relationship as fortunate indeed.

I agree and I do think it's quite sad. Im incredibly lucky to still have all 4 grandparents around and they are still fairly active and see a lot of their Great GrandChildren.

But why? Is that because of a selfish desire to have grandchildren earlier? I would hate to see my dd give up her youth and independence before she is ready, I want her to live a little first!

I mean, fair enough to help them financially if they want to have kids early, but doing everything you can to "encourage" them to reproduce sounds a lot like piling on the pressure.

I hope I'll get to meet my grandchildren and have a good amount of time with them, but honestly, it's much more important to me that my dd lives the life that she wants to live.

Well it's not ideal. But if its no grandparents v growing up with GP but impoverished parents in shitty relationships because they rushed to have children with the first partner they could find and before establishing their careers then I'd say late babies are the lesser of 2 evils.
Obviously not all young parents have those problems, but I guess the majority of older ones haven't just waited purely by choice, but wanted stable relationships and reliable incomes.

I agree I didn’t have grandparents I can remember . My mum didn’t have me late but unfortunately all my grandparents died in their 60s and I do miss not having those relationships . I have 1 grandchild and it’s magical I sore on her ❤️

Plenty of people would have kids earlier if they could afford it. It's not like we sleepwalk into this, we didn't have much of a choice. Additionally having kids isn't so much of a "given" socially these days as it was even a generation ago. More women really enjoy and want to maintain careers, travel etc. I'm sure a lot of people who had kids at 25 in the 70s because that's just what you did - and they could afford it on one income - might make different choices today.

My grandparents were all mid 50s-60 when I was born. My parents were both 60 when I had their first grandchild. Really not a lot in it. My partner's parents were mid 70s but he was their youngest. They have still been lovely present grandparents. My mum is a decade younger than other grandma but isn't any more active in DCs' life because she lives with stage 4 cancer. You can't predict or control how things will pan out.

I only had one grandparent and she died when I was 11 (she wasn't that old, she was 59). I never really felt I missed out on anything to be honest. My own DC have no grandparents now, all died. They've never commented on it, just life.

I get your point but it’s not a reason to start having families earlier

My grandparents were late 30s when they had kids, my parents were the same. The grandparents were all dead by the time I was 10 years old and I didn't get to meet 2 of them at all. It doesn't bother me because I don't know what I missed - to be honest it's easier than dealing with someone dying that you're close to.

Equally my partner's dad had kids young, so did his parents. He was a grandfather by the time he was 39. But he died at 50 from cancer so it was the same amount of time as I had with my grandma anyway. You never know what's round the corner.