AIBU to think our grandchildren will miss out on having grandparents?

[villagecrafts]

With so many children being born to older mothers, and fathers often older than them, it's normal these days to have a young family in your 40s.

I am an older Grandma because my own children didn't have children till their 40s. My grandchildren are all under 4, so by the time they settle down and have children their parents (my children) are likely to be in their eighties, or dead. Their grandchildren will be too young to remember them, and as grandparents may well be too old to take an active role in their grandchildren's lives.

At a conservative estimate a mother age 40 now, whose child eventually has a baby at age 38 = grandparents age 78 when their grandchild is born, and age 83 when they are five, which just might be old enough for the child to have a vague memory of grandparent, but not a childhood filled with happy memories of fun times with grandparents, like an extended family.

I'm really talking about our adult children, and feel sad they won't have the wonderful relationships with their grandchildren that bring so much joy to us all.

AIBU to think all three generations will miss out on this special relationship, not to mention the help with childcare?

I understand what you are saying but life expectancy -and more to the point healthy life expectancy - has increased a lot too. While it can't make up the ahortfall if people have kids at 40, 35-odd year generation gaps are probably at least as active-grandparent-friendly as the <30 generation time of yesteryear.

Three of my grandparents died when they were early-to-mid sixties so I didn't have them.for very long as a grandchild, either 🙁 -even though they were <60 when I was born.

By contrast, two of my children's GPs made it to their late 70s and the other two are still alive...and all were active (as active as they wanted to be anyway 😅) GPs well into their 70s at least.

Meh idk, think it's going to be very much dependant on how you as a person end up feeling about it. Some people are more apt to contemplate on things than others.

My mum was a grandmother in her 40's, and her last grandchild was born when she was 68. Not sure she was any more hands on with the first than the last tbh as when #1 was born she was still working full time, whereas now she's retired. She's less likely to be building dens and playing raucous games of cowboys and indians with GC #9 but they do plenty of other things when they're together. Proximity is more of an issue, as she lived up the road from the first batch of GC's so could pick them up from school and have them for sleepovers etc rather than seeing them at Christmas or on video calls.

I don't particularly think GC1, 2, 3 feels like they were super blessed to have a younger grandmother, they've certainly never mentioned it, just the same as GC6,7+ hasn't really said anything about having an older one. The older ones did get to hang out with their great-grandma (GC1 even knew their Great, Great Grandma) which is a cool to be able to say, but it didn't shape their world particularly, and the younger ones don't know any better.

My grandparents were all in their 50's when I was born, but we lived on the opposite side of the country to one another. I still look back on our time together with real fondness and many of them were some of my fave people. Didn't occur to me to mind that the weren't younger or living next door. You just know what you know. Or that's how we seem to be about it anyway.

This. I had DC mid thirties but because my parents and their parents had DC fairly young and they’ve had long lives my older DC still have all their grandparents and four great grandparents. But because we live away they don’t see each other very often anyway. They still have a ‘special relationship’, but it’s different to the relationship that I had with my grandparents (who we saw multiple times a week), and we have no support with childcare. I’m now mid 40s and my parents are still working, anyway!

I agree that it’s better to have grandparents around for help with childcare and general support. And it’s better to have special relationship with them. It’s not always the case even you’ve had your children very young.
What is the point of your post and what exactly do you suggest? Your children don’t have access to a Time Machine.

It is what it is...

So what you gonna do, ban people from having g kids over 30?

Not really as simple as that though is, I had DD at 27 and my mum died by the time DD was 4

my maternal grandmother died when i was 4 my paternal grandparents died before i was born. My kids had paternal grandparents but no maternal grandparents. My parents were late 30's when i was born. I didnt think i had missed anything not having grandparents when i was growing up until i had my own grandchildren. They are the complete joy of my life i love seeing them and having them come to stay and they ask for sleepovers all of the time. They keep me young. Its only now i think i did miss out on not having grandparents.

I agree it is sad. I had a lovely relationship with my grandparents, only one died before I was 21 one lived until my 40s. They were only in their 50s when I was born and used to take us to the park etc. If anything had happened to my parents, crucially, they would have been able to take us to live with them. I had DS late 30s, and it's unlikely he will have any GPs by late his teens simply because the youngest was 68 when he was born. It worries me.

My mum was 73 when my nephew was born, and I remember her saying "I hope he'll remember me".
Fast forward 21 years, my mum is now 94 and has seen my nephew almost weekly during that time.
My kids are only 4, so I hope in the future they will have memories of my (still healthy) mum.

I agree. I was born to a parent who was young when they had me, and that parent was young when they were born. My DH's family were the opposite. I have a grandparent who is younger than his dad!

I think I agree to an extent - certainly with my kid's grandparents they can provide a lot more fun as they are not the ones doing all the hard work and faffing with getting the up, dressed fed etc etc etc. They have the experience and ability to provide a really warm presence in my kids's lives and really are enriching their childhood.

I didn't have the same relationship with my grandparents, either because they had died, were sick or not hands on and while I wasn't bothered as a kid it's makes me see what we did miss out on. I'm so grateful they have their grandparents and a little wistful me and my sisters didn't have the same.

This is pretty much my only regret about having my own son when I was 39. I enjoyed a long relationship with my grandparents, into my 30s with some of them!

however, it is what it is. I couldn’t have had my son any earlier due to circumstances.
i will just have to do my best to stay healthy as long as I can!

I don’t think most people are waiting til their 40s to have children. I am in my 40s now and even in my highly professionally ambitious age cohort from school and uni, we all still had dc late 20s to mid 30s.

That said, my dc only have 1 grandparent despite us having grandchildren fairly early. Dh and I both lost our dads as teenagers. My mum and I are estranged (no idea even where she lives, so she obviously has no relationship with my dc). MIL is around, though she’s not massively involved. She’s still young and well (became a grandparent at 60), but doesn’t do much with them and only sees them a handful of times per year. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I agree, but what do you want?

What's best?
Kids at 22 with the guy who cheated on me after I attempted suicide, then lied about it.
Kids with the guy after who was fifteen years my senior and emotionally abusive.
Kids with a handful of short relationships that never worked out.

They'd all give my parents time to grandparent and me grandkids ideally
Or kids with the husband I met at 29, married at 30 and had kids with at 33 and 38. He was 40 and 45. His Mom is 72, mine is 65 cos they both had kids young. If my eldest has kids at 40 I'll be 73 and as you say, useless and forgettable. But I'd rather he did what I did and picked the right co- parent

My children are 1,3 and 7.
My parents are 85 and 88.
I agree with you, but despite their advanced years they do mange the odd day out with my 3 and 7 year old on their own. I do realise that they can't do this for very much longer.
I know much younger grandparents that can't be bothered with their grandchildren because they are too busy having their own fun. A compromise would be nice.

I don’t think there is any kind of universal rule that can be applied here. There is no ‘right’ ago to have children.

The most important relationships for a child while growing up are those they have with their parent(s). A close, loving relationship with grandparents is a wonderful addition but it doesn’t replace the primary parental relationship. And there is a growing body of evidence that having children later in life benefits those children significantly. There is evidence that children born to older parents may be more intelligent, attain greater educational success, and live longer. Older parents have also been shown to be more financially stable, more patient, to raise healthier kids, to be more emotionally available and to provide greater familial stability.

Of course these advantages are not true across the board, but you could certainly make the argument that delaying having children until later in life gives them the best chances of having engaged, emotionally prepared parents with adequate resources for raising them, even if that comes at the expense of a few extra years with their grandparents.

You also don’t have to spend too long on this forum to see that grandparents can be as much a source of tension and heartache as of joy!

I had kids in my 20s but neither set of grandparents were interested so my kids basically don't have grandparents except on Christmas day. There's never any guarantees in this life

My DFs parents were both dead by the time he was 24. My DM had both her parents and a grandparent until after I was an adult, my great grandmother died when I was 19. It's just luck.

And even if it were controllable to have fit involved grandparents around (it's not), what do you want anyone to do about it? Have children before they want to/before they've met their life partner/ before they can afford it? Just so the grandparents are younger? Even if you think this is a problem, what's the solution?

Wouldn't it be just lovely if life worked out as smoothly for everyone as it does for those who wanted children young, and were lucky enough to find a partner in their '20s?

I had my children at 41 and 43. They are very loved. Nobody knows what the future holds.

It’s not just grandparents, there’s a decline in extended families more generally with fewer siblings meaning over the generations there are fewer uncles/aunts and cousins too. Both of us have one sibling but it’s very possible that our DC will have no cousins and we aren’t unique in this by any means. Plus nowadays people are more mobile so less likely to live near grandparents/extended family even if they do have them.

Mil was 72 when dd 1 was born and 78 when dd3 was born. She was an active involved and caring grandma

My mother was 53 and 59 when they were born and uninterested and uninvolved

Dd1 was 16 and dd3 10 when my.mother died. They were 21 and 15 when mil died.

Mil is spoken of often and with much love. My mother who according to your calculations should be the involved active grandparents. Is rarely mentioned.

Age is not always the issue interest and care is.

Will add that while yes mil was older when dh was born he was the 3rd child

I’m a slightly older mum. Can’t help infertility. Best I can do is role model a healthy happy marriage so my kids marry in their mid 20s like I did. I’m not being funny or racist but in my experience too many white kids’ are allowed to live like teens until their 30s

I grew up over 100 miles away from grandparents so barely saw them. I don't know any different.