AIBU to think our grandchildren will miss out on having grandparents?

[villagecrafts]

With so many children being born to older mothers, and fathers often older than them, it's normal these days to have a young family in your 40s.

I am an older Grandma because my own children didn't have children till their 40s. My grandchildren are all under 4, so by the time they settle down and have children their parents (my children) are likely to be in their eighties, or dead. Their grandchildren will be too young to remember them, and as grandparents may well be too old to take an active role in their grandchildren's lives.

At a conservative estimate a mother age 40 now, whose child eventually has a baby at age 38 = grandparents age 78 when their grandchild is born, and age 83 when they are five, which just might be old enough for the child to have a vague memory of grandparent, but not a childhood filled with happy memories of fun times with grandparents, like an extended family.

I'm really talking about our adult children, and feel sad they won't have the wonderful relationships with their grandchildren that bring so much joy to us all.

AIBU to think all three generations will miss out on this special relationship, not to mention the help with childcare?

My Nan had my mum when she was 19, my mum had me at 22 and I had DS at 27 so DS who is now 8 is very fortunate to have active parents, grandparents and great grandparents. My Nan and Grandad are slowing down now they are nearing 80 but they still organise days out with DS etc. my mum is in her 50s and very fit and healthy.

I very much want to be a healthy and active grandparent so DH and I will do everything in our power to set DS up so that if he wants DC in his 20s he can have them without having to worry about costs or family support. Of course he may decide he doesn't want DC or he may not meet the right person until later in life but we will make sure that finances aren't a barrier to younger parenthood.

I grew up with limited relationships with my grandparents due to distance and ill health. I don't feel I missed out really, you can't miss what you've not experienced. My son doesn't have a relationship with one of his grandads because he can't be bothered and again, and knowing my FIL I don't think my son is missing out. I think grandparents are a lovely thing to have if possible, but they don't provide anything that couldn't be replaced with involved aunts and uncles, godparents, family friends etc.

The bigger issue is involved grandparents dying earlier in their grandchildren's lives, at an age where the child knows they've lost a lovely relationship. That's worse than not having grandparents.

Your premise is that waiting until you are in your 40s is the norm for starting a family, while it’s more normal for older mothers to have their first baby, the average age of a first time mother is still 30/31. If a 31 year old has a baby and then her baby grows up to have a child at the same age, grandma will probably still be working full time.

It’s great grandparents that will go back to being unusual - used to be unusual due to life expectancy being lower, now it’s going to be due to a couple of generations not having babies in their teens /early 20s.

My mother had me at 22. One grandparent died before I was born, two more while I was in primary school and the last when I was 19. I didn't have a close relationship with any.

I had my first DC at 35. My mother died at age 60, so barely knew DS1, ILs not interested, but both DC had a long and close relationship with my father, who is about to become a great grandfather.

So you're right in general, but what happens in an individual case can be wildly different.

The average age for having children is 30 not 40 so you're only talking about the extremes, e.g. DH was the youngest child and I was pregnant with our youngest child at FILs 80th party but the oldest grandchildren there were adults.

Also, just because one generation does something doesn't mean their children will do the same. For example, the oldest boomers had their children very young by historic standards and younger than both their greatest generation parents and Gen X children.

Finally, my 80 something MIL is much more involved in my teenager's lives than my 70 something DM due to proximity and interest. And while grandparents are a nice to have they are not essential. Plenty people don't remember one or more grandparents.

I don't think you can put this down to age of the parent when they have a child. People can die at any age, in my circumstances my mother was 28 when I was born (her first born), she was 7 when her own mother died from cancer so whatever age she'd have had children. My dad was older than my mother, however and I missed out on meeting his dad by six weeks. I did get 16 years with one grandparent and nearly 22 with another.

My other half is 37 next year and still has both sets of grandparents as his parents had him when they were in their late teens.

I suppose a different side to this is that a lot more people/couples are choosing not to have children at all, so there might be a lot more child-free aunts and uncles who could take on a similar role.

I wasn’t that close with my aunts and uncles as they had their own kids to be there for. Whereas I spend a lot more time with my nieces and nephews because DH and I don’t have kids.

Perhaps a parent’s own maturity, financial stability, and emotional development is more important to them?

I had my children young so am hoping I'll have time to build a relationship with GC and support my children with childcare, if they choose to have children. No guarantees, however- I could get hit by a bus tomorrow etc etc. OTOH I was lucky to meet my DH young and that we were in a position to have children young financially, and I know that my career prospects would have been better if I'd waited until my 30s. Pros and cons to every timeline, and most people are doing their best with the circumstances they are in.

One thing I am starting to focus on is looking after my health and fitness in order to increase my chances of being useful in later life- functional fitness and muscle strength etc.

I, too, only had 2 living 'biological' grandparents - both grandads - when I was born. My paternal grandad wasn't the least bit interested and we never saw him one year to the next. Maternal grandad remarried and if he hadn't, I doubt we'd have seen much of him.

Grandma (step, but the only grandma I ever knew) tried really hard and was good to us, but I don'tthink she was as involved as the OP thinks grandparents in general are . My mother, who lost her own mother aged 13, never got over it and was bitter about her mother's place being taken.

I say all this because lots of children don't get the grandparents the OP seems to suggest is the norm - for all sorts of reasons.

My parents had me in their early 20s.

By the time I was 16 - 3 out of 4 of my GPs had died

We had our kids in our late 30s.

My DS is 16 and it's the opposite for him 3 out of 4 GPs are alive and well.

I mean your maths checks out but your example is not the norm and there were always people having babies in their 40s (just may have been their 6th rather than their first). I grew up with only 2 grandparents and neither of them were at all interested in me. My paternal grandfather died when my (poor) dad was only six. I never felt the lack of the relationship but I am very glad that my DS has lovely grandparents and a nice relationship with them. But he has no siblings which was not planned but there we are.

Shit happens basically, you get what you're given.

My parents are dead. They had the first 4 years of my kids. Mum lived 700 miles away. Dad moved abroad when they were born
Never saw either more than a handful of times.
MIL has had dementia for the past 11 years. That relationship is not great, she is not a "peaceful patient" (sweary, racist, violent)
Not all grandparents care. Not all are fit enough to maintain a relationship.

I don't feel we missed out. Plenty of people in our lives.

So many interesting perspectives.

I feel I missed out slightly not having grandparents. But I also think it's great to explore all different routes for community and relationships. As an adult I have a range of friendships across generations and I think some of these people will act similar to grandparents or aunts to any children I have.
Rather than feeling sad they don't have biological grandchildren, retired people can find other ways to have joy in their lives and older people now have more choices than ever. For some it could be building grandparent-like relationships with their neighbours or other people in their community, others might find all the joy they need from their own social groups, hobbies etc.

My grandparents were elderly despite me having a younger mum because in the past people did seem older younger, even in her 60's my grandparents couldn't cope with us kids, they were just frail and my mother had to help them a lot. My mother on the other hand was working when my dc were children so no help, well once a year she has them for me. My dc, it remains to be seen but they are thinking about 30 and hoping I can have finished work to help them out!

My mum didn't have involved grandparents because one side emigrated to Australia under the ten pound Pom scheme and the others moved to Canada.

It's not always age that prevents a grandparental relationship.

Her grandchildren are in New Zealand.

This.
It doesn't make that much difference.

I got jealous with friends who had grandparents living nearby. Having them living 70 and 110 miles away in different directions.

Not everyone has a close relationship with their grandparents. I don't know any adults with grandparents who are alive that are daily parts of their lives. Also people can't miss things they don't ever have.
My dad's parents died when he was under 18, and my own dad died at when I was 13. My one grandma I remember was very frail and sick but lovely.
So I would be more sad for kids who's parents are older, therefore they might have to experience parental bereavement younger. Not because they could miss out on grandparents.

I'm an older parent as well as being the youngest child and yes I feel really sad about this. My kids are 2 and 7 and my parents are 79/82. We also live a few hours away. So there's not a close relationship.

I didn't live near any of my grandparents so didn't develop a close bond with them. I do recognise the close bond children can have with their GP and think it is beautiful but at the same time I don't feel hard done by. My parents both died relatively young so the children in my family miss out on having that but they do still have a lovely relationship with GP on the other side. They also have some doting childless aunts and uncles who I think can offer very similar relationships to GP.

It's a shame if future generations miss out on relationships between grandparents and grandchildren. On the other hand, I would think it a shame if my dd rushed to have children too young/with the wrong partner/ before establishing herself in her career etc, so it's swings and roundabouts. On balance, I would prioritise happy parents who are mature enough and ready for the demands of parenting over and above relationships with grandparents.

This is a very good point. My children have 3 aunts and uncles who don't have children and 2 that do. Guess which ones they see most of and think are the best? Cool aunts and uncles are the best.

There will always he exceptions to the rule, but generally I agree. I have so many amazing memories with my 4 grandparents from when I was very young. Most of them died around the time I had my son, one got to meet him.

My parents had me late 20s, I'm early 30s. My parents are not 60 yet and are very active with my child. They can watch him for a day no problem.

My partners parents had him later. Their parents were older when had them. He didn't meet most of his grandparents as passed before born or when very young. They were approaching 70 when I gave birth, so a decade older than my parents. They love their grandchild just as much. They try to play with him all the same. But there's no denying they find it A LOT harder. They're not as quick, can't do as much, tire more quick. They looked after him for a day and it really really took it out of them.

I'm glad I had my child when I did rather than waiting another decade.

I think you're right to an extent, and also those children may well end up in a position of having to help care for ageing parents while taking care of their own small children. Saying that, we are generally living longer healthier lives.
My parents are in their mid sixties and have grandchildren aged 0-6. I feel like this is ideal, I was in my 30s before I started my family and mum was an "older mother" at 36 when she had my younger brother, who at 30 has just had his first baby.
But then they are great grandparents, very active and involved and in good health. I intend to look after them once they're elderly as much as I can, but by that point I imagine my own kids will have left home or at least be much more independent.