Ex P Bought Second Hand Pram

[Mumtobe799]

I’m expecting a baby soon. My ex and I split up in my first trimester and I have not spoken to him in over 3 months, all communication goes through my family.

I’ve had a really difficult pregnancy and I have suffered from significant mental health issues. My ex knows I really struggle with germs/mould and have experienced ocd anxiety and even psychosis in the past.

I’ve been buying everything for our unborn child. My ex asked my family if he could help buy anything yesterday and then today I’ve had a message saying he’s bought a pram. I was honestly shocked but very thankful as that was something I was going to buy.

I then received a picture of a well used, second hand pram purchased for maybe a 1/5th of the new price. You can clearly see mud all over the wheels and marks on the material. The pram is my ‘dream pram’ but instead of being a dark colour it’s bright white, so shows up the marks really badly.

I know I sound so ungrateful but my ex has been really negative about the pregnancy and I honestly feel like he’s purposely bought my dream pram but a well used one in bright white, knowing the white will stress me out with marks everywhere and I will feel really, really uncomfortable with the germ situation. The thought of putting my baby in it or him putting my baby in it makes me physically sick.

My ex is not struggling for money, his monthly car lease is 3x what he spent on this pram. I feel he’s bought it to say ‘look I’ve done so much’ but in reality he knows it’s a waste of money and has upset me.

You aren't being unreasonable - I'd ask him to return it and buy a new one, given what he pays for his car

Otherwise buy yourself one if you can and write up all the expenses you've paid for and send them to him and the cms

Not that they'll recoup the cost of the buggy but it's on record

Don't be tempted to go easy on him hun, get everything written down x

Sounds very sensible of him.
It'll look fine when it's been cleaned.

He will need a pram when baby is with him and it is best to have separate things so that you aren't upset when he scratches / muddies your own pram, so that's fine he keeps that for his own use.

Don't bother sending a list to CMS they won't care. He needs to buy everything for when baby is at his too, pram, travel cot, high chair etc.

Whilst you can have your own expectations on what he buys you really can't comment on it or even what he does when baby is with him or who he sees. I spent alot of time stressing about such things when DD was little and it was pointless and just tainted those months. Control the things you can, ignore the things you can't and you'll have a much better pregnancy and early motherhood.

I agree with PP.
I would even mention that there are risks that some parts could be worn (break system, folding system) and that the straps are a breeding ground for mould - I've experienced this myself after my pram was stored in the garage over summer and was infested.

You could suggest he keeps the pram for his own visits / when baby stays with him but it'll need to be professionally cleaned by a proper buggy cleaning company.

In the nicest possible way you're going to have to address your issues with germs. Your shared DC will be exposed to them throughout their lifetime if their DF is involved. There's no way getting around that.

As for him buying second hand. It makes complete sense. Not only is he recycling items he's also saving himself a bucket load of cash throughout your DCs lifetime. Makes no difference if he can afford new or not.

Honesty once it's cleaned I'm sure it will be fine. Often most bits can be detached and put through a washing machine.

I had second hand and some of my friends had new but I was glad I hadn't spent hundreds because of how quickly it gets covered in mud/ spit up/ food- you'll always be cleaning it anyway. In the scheme of things what's one more cleaning for a free pram?

To be fair on him he's obviously listened to you and found the pram you do want.

If you want to buy a new one then as PP suggest, get him to keep it at his for when he has the baby

For many prams you can buy replacement fabric covers. They are usually washable and the rest will clean up.

I’m just so upset because he has a lot of money and spends a lot on himself.

If I’m honest I feel the worst bit is feeling like he just doesn’t care about our baby, like they’re not worth anything. He has two older children to a previous marriage who he adores and it’s heart breaking he doesn’t feel the same about our child. We were together 5 years so not ONS/short term thing.

It wouldn’t be good enough for me either. I think you’re going to have to buy your own pram.

I have had 2 secondhand prams, the horror! 😱 everything is cleanable, you don’t have to want or use it but there’s nothing wrong with secondhand! Suggest dad keeps it for when he has baby and buy your own?

There is no right or wrong here.

It’s the emotion taking over.

Be careful if you have a severe illness with germs and cleanliness because that is likely to explode once you have a baby

I’d recommend urgent therapy

@Mumtobe799 OP is this your first?
It's normal to want to have everything perfect (especially if you / ex have the means to make it happen)

I understand lots of people have second hand and that’s not an issue. This pram looks like it’s been used for 5 years without so much as a wipe!

I will buy my own. It’s just disappointing that he purposely spent a couple of hundred pounds on something that won’t be used when we could have put that towards something useful.

Your expectations of a twat are unrealistic imo.
Let him use it. Buy one you love. Sadly he can decide what's what when he has your dc... The downside to having a dc with a cunt. Been there. Got the T shirt. And hat.. And socks.

Don't let in you care. He will ime use every opportunity to stress you out. Concentrate on your mh. Seek some professional support.

Buy your own.

He can use the other one when he has the child at his place.

Nothing wrong with second hand pram after they've had a good clean. Your anxiety is your problem not his.

Yes. I’m really stretching myself getting everything on my own, so I’m just upset that money that really could have gone on something else has been wasted.

I would have it professionally steam cleaned. But if that still doesn't make you comfortable then let him use it when the child has access to their father.

You may find some good deals now coming up with the new season releases.

He has bought you the pram brand you wanted, and if it's one of these super expensive ones, then quite sensibly he bought it second hand.

Germs can't linger much more than 24 hours, so you are letting your issues get in the way here. Steam clean it, buy a new cover for it.

But don't forget to thank him, as it is thoughtful.

What has how much money he has got to do with this?! I earn a decent amount and bought my pram second hand. It's sensible.

I think that’s it. I know for a fact he chose that specific colour etc to play on my anxieties.

There’s second hand ones for the same price in the colour he knew I liked and in better condition.

I have no idea why someone would purposely try to upset a heavily pregnant woman carrying your child?!

@Mumtobe799 totally understandable.

A pram is a necessity item that you use day in day out and I would never dream someone buy it on my behalf without consulting it with me.

When he’s running about town in a luxury car, designer clothes, expensive holidays I do feel he could have done more.

He knows how difficult this pregnancy has been for me and has not shown any interest until last night when he asked my family what he could buy (2 months before baby due)

How are you going to cope when you have a baby? Dirty nappies, vomit, dribbles, sick bugs, snotty nose, muddy shoes/clothes from jumping in puddles and playing in the park, food splats everywhere when they are learning to feed themselves etc

If you genuinely have a problem you need to get help or you will struggle.

Because he is an ass? You know that! Just face it directly. He abandoned you and the baby befor birth. He obviously has no trouble—and even receives great pleasure-in upsetting you.

He’s done a good thing, great for the environment, so in the long run for the future of your child. The pram can be cleaned and I would be much more concerned about sorting my MH issues, and anxiety around germs - your anxieties and OCD can have a lasting impact of your DC.