Ex P Bought Second Hand Pram

[Mumtobe799]

I’m expecting a baby soon. My ex and I split up in my first trimester and I have not spoken to him in over 3 months, all communication goes through my family.

I’ve had a really difficult pregnancy and I have suffered from significant mental health issues. My ex knows I really struggle with germs/mould and have experienced ocd anxiety and even psychosis in the past.

I’ve been buying everything for our unborn child. My ex asked my family if he could help buy anything yesterday and then today I’ve had a message saying he’s bought a pram. I was honestly shocked but very thankful as that was something I was going to buy.

I then received a picture of a well used, second hand pram purchased for maybe a 1/5th of the new price. You can clearly see mud all over the wheels and marks on the material. The pram is my ‘dream pram’ but instead of being a dark colour it’s bright white, so shows up the marks really badly.

I know I sound so ungrateful but my ex has been really negative about the pregnancy and I honestly feel like he’s purposely bought my dream pram but a well used one in bright white, knowing the white will stress me out with marks everywhere and I will feel really, really uncomfortable with the germ situation. The thought of putting my baby in it or him putting my baby in it makes me physically sick.

My ex is not struggling for money, his monthly car lease is 3x what he spent on this pram. I feel he’s bought it to say ‘look I’ve done so much’ but in reality he knows it’s a waste of money and has upset me.

Get over it. Babies are fine with second hand stuff. They grow so fast things are hardly used. He's done a nice, and sensible, thing but you hate him, so it's the wrong thing.

I don’t hate him, I hate how he’s left my unborn baby and I, especially when we needed a bit of support

Disagree. He’s got loads of money and has probably done it on purpose to piss you off.

Your thinking is a bit dysfunctional here. I care about my children more than anything in the world, but we used second hand kit because it's environmentally better, it's less wasteful and stuff is just that - stuff. The amount you spend on stuff is not a measure of how much you love your child, and the world would be less fucked on every level if people didn't think it was.

I know you've got other reasons to worry about your ex's commitment to your baby, and I sympathise, but don't get bogged down in what equipment he buys, or you're only giving him more opportunities to stress you out. Tell him great, that's his pram to use when he sees her, job done. Claim through CMS and don't engage with him any more than you have to.

Maybe he's finally making an effort now it's getting nearer to the due date and possibly his family have told him to shape up.

You are very emotional at the moment so are perhaps overthinking that he's been deliberately nasty when really for many it's just practical to buy secondhand.

You absolutely have to get your germ phobia under control, there is absolutely nothing wrong with a secondhand pram once it's cleaned.

Can you honestly tell me that you've never sat on any form of public transport or in a chair at a restaurant that's been sat on by others minutes before you or slept in a hotel bed that's been slept in by hundreds before you?

Toddlers and young children are often unhygienic so you need to get your mind in a healthy state otherwise motherhood will be miserable for you and very damaging for your child.

It was 100% done to hurt me. I can promise you it would have made no difference for him to go on the internet and order it.

@Mumtobe799 I know it's hard, and I know you expect him to be there but you need to forget him. He is not a support for you, reach out to the rest of your network. He has shown you who he is so don't expect anything different. Don't look at old photos. Draw a line under him and the relationship. He may well want a relationship with baby but anything else until baby arrives is your own medical information and doesn't need sharing. Statistically, dad is more likely to stick around if at the birth but he doesn't have to be in the room.

You need to look forward to the future. You need to make sure you are mentally and emotionally resilient for the task ahead, and if you aren't and you think you are going to struggle get as much support in place now. Look into charity and groups that might be able to help when the time comes like HomeStart.

If you need to move closer to family for a support network you must do that now before baby is born once his name is on the birth certificate he can make things like that difficult if he chooses.

I don’t know if you are able to do this but I would really try and consider if you actually believe he has been deliberately cruel enough to buy you a shit pram to upset you and if the pram is dangerously worn out. If that is the case then i would rise above it. Don’t let him see how much he’s got under your skin and just messsge him saying “that looks filthy and broken, please return it as it’s not suitable”

if he kicks back say that he can give you the money and you’ll put it towards a decent pram. If he insists on giving it to you put it on gumtree and buy your own.

If you think it’s a mixture of him being thoughtless but also your anxieties and you think it’s probably usable after a good clean I would again be very blunt and say “that pram is dirty please can you get it cleaned professionally, here’s the details of a company that does it” why should YOU be running around sorting out cleaning it?? If it comes back usable then great , if not gumtree it and you’ll get more for a cleaner one.

if he tries to tell anyone he’s such a great dad for buying a pram I would just be blunt and say shame it was moudly if that’s true.

but you do need to be able to step back and first see if the pram is actually that bad (maybe show someone else the pictures who can tell you objectively?) and if he is cruel or thoughtless.

can’t beleive the posters who are telling you to pay for professionals to up cycle it and then thank him profusely. Be telling you to lick his boots next.

I don't think you're being silly at all! Tell him to shove it! Yeah there might be nothing wrong with second hand things if they are in good condition but this one is clearly not in a good condition. Plus I do think why would you buy second hand if you can afford to buy new. And by the sounds of it he clearly has got money. Especially as this is the only thing he's bought and you have bought everything else he shouldn't mind spending a bit more on it. I also have a germ phobia so I understand that as well. But yeah tell him you don't want in and to take it back and give you the money he spent towards a new one and if he can't do that then take it to the dump as you certainly won't be using it!

I can guarantee it won’t be him who cleans it

OP if you're struggling with money, please consider buying second hand items for your baby - newborn clothes really don't last a lot of wears and are pretty overpriced. I got all mine from Facebook Marketplace and Vinted and they honestly looked almost brand new! Just give them a good wash beforehand if you're concerned about germs.

Prams, likewise, we went with a second hand one from Facebook Marketplace - didn't want to spend the money on a new pram and baby has been totally fine. I just steamed it before first use. Baby won't be using the bassinet for long before they grow out of it.

It's possible that your ex did do this to upset you, you know him best, however equally it's also possible he didn't consider how you'd react to the pram and genuinely thought he was buying you something decent. There's been some good suggestions upthread about what to do with the pram (I like the idea of selling it and replacing with your preferred pram).

Best of luck OP, pregnancy and early motherhood isn't easy 💐

I’ve only read your posts, not everyone else’s, so sorry if I’m repeating things that others have said.

A lot of the time, men don’t bond with their children until they’re born. It doesn’t mean they don’t care - just that it’s almost too theoretical before the baby arrives. This might especially be the case if he’s not been around you during the pregnancy. Once the baby is born, hopefully he will love it just as much as he loves his other children. Of course there’s no guarantee, some men are just pricks, but I really hope he’ll live up to your expectations once baby is earthside.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

I did offer for him to meet baby on the day (planned c section) but he ignored the offer.

Gently, you need to stop being so silly.

He’s bought you your dream pram and spent a couple hundred pounds on it, but you want to buy another one yourself because it’s not in the colour you want, even though you say you don’t have much money.

He is of course going to treat his other children better than the unborn baby, because they have been born.

Once your baby is born, then hopefully he will treat them the same as his kids.

It’s a shame he’s not more into the pregnancy and it’s something you’ll probably always resent him for but this is part of the issues when you’ve recently separated and aren’t on good terms.

I am sorry you’re going through this alone.
For your own sanity you need to stop thinking about him or how he treats his kids, his new gf etc as it won’t do you any good.

I hope you have other support 💐

Did you read any of what the op posted??

Of course he is being cruel! She said the man walks around in designer clothes and has a nice car. I doubt he would buy himself second hand tat. Why are so many people trying to stick up for him?
I could maybe understand if he was poor and struggling and was doing his best to buy the baby things on little money but thats clearly not the case here is it!

We had a second hand pram, and we have money. It won't make your child unhappy or poorly. It will save some pennies. Before you know it, you won't be needing a pram.

@Mumtobe799 I get it. I wouldn't have wanted a dirty pram for my baby. I would have preferred to go for a cheaper, brand new option.

But this isn't just about the cleanliness of the pram. The pram symbolises how he has treated you and by extension, the baby.

I wouldn't accept the pram because everytime I pushed it, I would seethe.

If you're stretched with buying for the baby, forget the "dream pram" and get the one that is most practical for your budget.

I ask this kindly; have you spoken to your midwife about your anxiety and worries around cleanliness and germs? It's perfectly natural to worry about germs and new babies but it can and does go too far for many people. I wish you all the very best.

I would thank him for getting a pram for when they baby is with him. That way your been polite but clear that he can keep the pram! Buy yourself one that you deem in a good condition

I can't see the issue. Give it a good clean and by the time the baby is a few months old it will be impossible to tell it apart from a brand new one.

My DC had a 2nd hand moses basket, baby bath, bouncy chair, vests and babyros/cardigans, changing table.

Our oram was lent to my best friend between babies. We swapped tons of stuff.

When we were done I contacted social services to offer an immaculate good quality cot, pram and highchair. I was snottily told their clients were always given brand new. That stuff served the children of a merchant banker very well.

Second hand doesn't extrapolate to germs. Brand new, not regularly wiped down does.

Op I would find it gross too

Did you read her first post? She has OCD, that's not just being silly!!!! It might be something you can't comprehend, but it's real to her.

I think there’s a difference between thinking a second hand pram will be just as good because he’s tight with money despite being rich and deliberately buying a dirty pram because he think it’s will upset the op. One is a bit of a twat I could live with at arms length the second is a horrible person I wouldn’t want near my child.

Our kids had second hand clothes and toys too. They didn't mind. We have money saved to help them with a deposit for a house, as we don't piss money up the wall buying new stuff.

But a dirty pram in an impractical colour is a whole different kettle of fish to a nice second hand pram that's been well cared for. I've had two second hand but would
not want a white one and would certainly not want one I'd had to scrub to make it even passable.