Ex P Bought Second Hand Pram

[Mumtobe799]

I’m expecting a baby soon. My ex and I split up in my first trimester and I have not spoken to him in over 3 months, all communication goes through my family.

I’ve had a really difficult pregnancy and I have suffered from significant mental health issues. My ex knows I really struggle with germs/mould and have experienced ocd anxiety and even psychosis in the past.

I’ve been buying everything for our unborn child. My ex asked my family if he could help buy anything yesterday and then today I’ve had a message saying he’s bought a pram. I was honestly shocked but very thankful as that was something I was going to buy.

I then received a picture of a well used, second hand pram purchased for maybe a 1/5th of the new price. You can clearly see mud all over the wheels and marks on the material. The pram is my ‘dream pram’ but instead of being a dark colour it’s bright white, so shows up the marks really badly.

I know I sound so ungrateful but my ex has been really negative about the pregnancy and I honestly feel like he’s purposely bought my dream pram but a well used one in bright white, knowing the white will stress me out with marks everywhere and I will feel really, really uncomfortable with the germ situation. The thought of putting my baby in it or him putting my baby in it makes me physically sick.

My ex is not struggling for money, his monthly car lease is 3x what he spent on this pram. I feel he’s bought it to say ‘look I’ve done so much’ but in reality he knows it’s a waste of money and has upset me.

Just want to mention that some men don’t get pregnancy or the concept of the child being real until they’re born (even if they know its happening). He has bonded with his kids, see if he decides to try and bond.

This is why I’m so upset! He would never drive a normal car, always got to be a luxury brand. He wouldn’t go to a supermarket to buy his clothes, always high end items.

I on the other hand drive a very normal car and buy my clothes from high street shops. The pram I really wanted was around £1k for the full bundle, so pretty average price for a new pram these days.

I don’t want it to come across like I’m a spoilt ex wanting a £2k pram, luxury baby clothes etc because I don’t. I just thought he’d do a little more for the baby if I’m honest, especially as he knows I’ve lost out on earnings due to pregnancy illness.

I'm sorry there's some idiot posters on here Op. people don't understand OCD and the issues that come with it. Just ignore them.
If you don't want the pram, then say to him to keep it for when he has the baby. Or take it and sell it and put the money towards one you want.
And make sure when baby comes that you claim through the right channels for child maintenance.

I believe you.

You already know what your gut instincts are telling you so trust them.

It’s typical of an abusive man.

Do you know that for certain or is that your anxiety talking?

Had he seen the ones in the colour you liked or just the one he bought?

Indeed. I sincerely hope that you get support with your OCD.Splitting with your ex in 1st trimester? All very sad and shocking. Could you possibly consider trying to make your relationship work for all concerned, especially the baby?

Remember his ex is an ex for a reason. He was likely somewhat a shit to her as well, even if social media would have you believe otherwise. You don't need everything to be pristine and new for a baby, but it is thoughtless of him to send you photos of a second hand pram he has already bought. He presumably knows about your mental health struggles, so a quick message asking you how you feel about him buying a second hand pram wouldn't have gone amiss.

@Mumtobe799 then that's it you offered. You can do and should do no more.

Hopefully you will go on with a less eventful pregnancy for the rest of it. Once baby is born send a photo and the details, apply for CMS - it's a fairly painless phone call so you get financial support from the start and for the love of god get baby registered with your surname.

I wouldn't suggest or try and force any sort of contact, baby really only needs mum for the first few months. If he is proactive about it and wants to be involved then facilitate this by meeting somewhere neutral for short and regular sessions not at your house, keeping strong boundaries, as baby gets older extend contact at an age appropriate level.

As for the pram,ignore it and anything else. Go into this knowing you are on your own and buying kit on your own.

It's worth knowing that most parents buy the £££££ travel system but quickly transfer to a lighter weight easier to manage pushchair fairly swiftly when appropriate for baby as the big ones are just so cumbersome.

Def agree with the posters who've suggested getting some help with your anxiety now OP. For your own sake but also practicalities. Whatever you do regarding this pram, if you're going to be a single parent without a great deal of money and with an ex who isn't inclined to splash out on the baby, it would be really helpful if you could get yourself used to the concept of second hand stuff. Really can save a lot over the years.

We’d actually looked at prams briefly before our break up, he knows the exact pram I wanted, where to buy it from etc.

Why the hell should she have to clean it? That's more work for her to have to do when she didn't buy the thing! She is heavily pregnant I'm sure the last thing she want to be doing is scrubbing a dirty pram she never asked for or wanted!

Your thinking is a bit dysfunctional here. I care about my children more than anything in the world, but we used second hand kit because it's environmentally better, it's less wasteful and stuff is just that - stuff. The amount you spend on stuff is not a measure of how much you love your child, and the world would be less fucked on every level if people didn't think it was.

This is an excellent post.

When mine were born we had a second hand pram, second hand buggy, second hand Moses basket, and second hand cot.
When I say second hand they were all at least 30 years old and had been through at least 8 children each.
We did buy a new cot mattress, and repainted the cot.

They did all three of my dc with no worries.

They're in these things for so little time, far better to get second hand.

Is that he knows where the new ones are or the second hand?

Maybe things were said in the heat of the argument that he regrets. If you didn't discuss having a child and he didn't want one, you can understand why he is angry. Perhaps he regrets the argument and wants to make a go of things. Please consider this for all your sakes.
As for second hand baby equipment, that is pretty normal in the scheme of things

Yeah you're not wrong at all, ignore anyone who says you are. Surely e ertone wants ghd best for their child and if they have the money to buy the best they would wouldn't they.

I don't think YABU if it's dirty and heavily used. I sold DD's pram but it was immaculate and I even cleaned the wheels.

I just thought he’d do a little more for the baby if I’m honest, especially as he knows I’ve lost out on earnings due to pregnancy illness.

The baby will not care about the colour or second hand status of the pram.

What brand is it?

New prams. He’s gone onto a second hand site and bought the same pram in a different colour. From the pictures there’s clearly dirt on the wheels and material. I know he won’t be the one cleaning it either! There’s money he’s going to steam clean or pay for it to be cleaned so if I want to use it that will be over £100 for a professional clean. It’s beyond being cleaned at home.

So it's about this; no OCD or germs mentioned at all.

If you've split up, he doesn't have to look after you with all his money, or care that you've been ill. You didn't want to be together.

He's contributed already and hopefully will be present (emotionally and financially) once the baby is born.

i say this gently. But having kids are absolute germ fests.

i think you’ll have to start really working towards this as otherwise you’ll struggle.

You know you are the one who needs help here. I’m expecting soon and have bought most things second hand, crib, pram, clothes etc. I would rather spend money on baby groups, mat leave activities, etc

what are you going to do when baby goes to play groups, the park, nursery? It’s usually children that are surrounded by dettol that end up being the sick ones.

You wouldn’t need it steam cleaned surely? Have you got a photo of it? Can the fabric parts not be cleaned in washing machine or with a hot wash cloth and anti bac?

Lots of people buy or have to buy secondhand suiff

doesnt mean they care less than someone who brought everything new?

I Did some new stuff for my first and mostly ever secondhand stuff for my second

never once cared less about my second child. I would assume the same of others.

Fair enough. I know I need to work on my mental health but I’m not surprised it’s got so bad with no support and being left to deal with a difficult pregnancy.

I still feel my ex could have done more for baby.