Ex P Bought Second Hand Pram

[Mumtobe799]

I’m expecting a baby soon. My ex and I split up in my first trimester and I have not spoken to him in over 3 months, all communication goes through my family.

I’ve had a really difficult pregnancy and I have suffered from significant mental health issues. My ex knows I really struggle with germs/mould and have experienced ocd anxiety and even psychosis in the past.

I’ve been buying everything for our unborn child. My ex asked my family if he could help buy anything yesterday and then today I’ve had a message saying he’s bought a pram. I was honestly shocked but very thankful as that was something I was going to buy.

I then received a picture of a well used, second hand pram purchased for maybe a 1/5th of the new price. You can clearly see mud all over the wheels and marks on the material. The pram is my ‘dream pram’ but instead of being a dark colour it’s bright white, so shows up the marks really badly.

I know I sound so ungrateful but my ex has been really negative about the pregnancy and I honestly feel like he’s purposely bought my dream pram but a well used one in bright white, knowing the white will stress me out with marks everywhere and I will feel really, really uncomfortable with the germ situation. The thought of putting my baby in it or him putting my baby in it makes me physically sick.

My ex is not struggling for money, his monthly car lease is 3x what he spent on this pram. I feel he’s bought it to say ‘look I’ve done so much’ but in reality he knows it’s a waste of money and has upset me.

I feel really humiliated. I’m the type of person who likes to keep myself looking clean, tidy etc. It was something my ex used to like about me that I always made the effort and he said he felt proud around me.

To buy me a scruffy pram is a punch in the chest as he knows I am particular. I used to keep our home a certain way, I used to keep him (washing, ironing etc) a certain way so for him to give me dirty pram is a punch to the stomach.

He clearly can't be arsed and wants to take the piss.

You don't have to take it from him, OP.

I should also add that I’m late 20’s and he’s mid 40’s, so it’s quite normal that he has a better job, more disposable income than I do.

Get it's professionally cleaned.

I would not buy a new pram… they are too expensive

Tell him to keep a hold of it and he can use it when he has contact. I wouldn't rise to it.

My ex MIL tried to give me a pram she found in some bushes with my first. Was quite offended when I refused to use it.

I spent £50 on a second hand pram for my children… it’s fine. Needed a good clean… but was great! Saved so much money which I spent on other stuff…

You can normally by replacement covers separately. Could you get them in your preferred colour to use on the existing frame?

What are your thought re putting him on birth certificate?

At this point he doesn’t want to be. There’s more to my situation than I can say on Mumsnet as I don’t want any of the women on his side to realise who I am.

I've no objections to second hand items. My prams were all good clean second hand ones. He's being an arse sending you a picture of the dirty muddy model. You obviously know him better than do gooders on here and understand his motives.
If it was me I would thank him on SM and show a picture of the delightful pram he has bought for his child paying particular attention to the shitty condition in the photos. However that's just me and you sound pretty low so probably not for you.

OP, I mean this kindly but you're not together anymore so his finances aren't really your concern. He will hopefully bond with the baby when they are born, but you are currently his ex and presumably on bad terms. He's not trying to please you anymore.
You will be able to get a regular legal contribution once you claim when your baby is born, but for now if you don't trust his purchases ask for a lump cash sum and make your own purchases. For now, you need to focus on your mental health in preparation for the baby's arrival and not what your ex is doing/driving/wearing.

Were they dirty and impractical or carefully chosen?

But what's your choice?

Do you really want him to have PR?

Have you read her posts? He can well afford it! Plus its not only 2 months to save 1k is it? He has known she was pregnant from the start so what stopped him saving some money each month? Why are people making excuses for this poor excuse of a father? I bet she has managed to find the money for all the other things, crib, steriliser, clothes, nappies, wipes, bouncy chair etc, yet he has only bought one thing and can't make sure its decent!

Thank you for this.

I know some of this comes from me being completely heart broken. I just don’t know why I wasn’t good enough.

Tell him that he can keep it to use it if he wants but that you will buy something else.

I'd graciously accept the pram. Then due to my OCD I'd go out and buy a brand new white one exactly like the used one. Then I would sell the used one on the internet. No germs, no yuk feeling. I totally "get" the OCD.

Is he self employed or paye?

Dont stress and just tell him he can keep that pram for his house.

From what I know he will be going to court and asking for paternity testing and once he knows the baby is his he wants to be involved with their life.

The baby is his and I have never been unfaithful. I honestly think it’s a way for him to buy time for a couple of months because he knows he’s left me in a bad situation. He knows it’s his baby btw, if he didn’t think it was he wouldn’t buy anything.

So, to start with I will only be on birth certificate but my guess is if he attends court and asks for a DNA test then he will be placed on at a later date?

Get it professionally cleaned, look at pram parlour on Facebook, what they are able to achieve is amazing.

Dirt of the wheels is nothing, would be like this after a walk. Dirt on the material is easily wiped, on most you can take off and put in the washing machine.

I am sorry but he probably hasn’t done this as maliciously as you are seeming to think. He has had 2 kids before, he probably spent a bomb on a new one for the first one and saw how little it was used and how quickly they moved into a stroller.

As for the comment on him wearing designer brands and not wanting that for his child. About 10% of my own wardrobe I bought second hand, 90% new branded stuff. Whereas my daughters is probably 80% second hand off Vinted. That doesn’t make anyone a bad parent. I’ll wear my stuff until it’s worn out, whereas my daughter will wear hers until it’s outgrown in about 6 months. Kids grow out of stuff so quickly and it’s still in great condition. It is ludicrous for peoples finances and even more so the environment that people insist on buying everything brand new for kids.

My DH delights in "great buys"; he picks up scruffy stuff and never cleans it, fixes it up other than a spritz of dusting spray and a rag. The problem is my DH prides himself in buying good deals, stuff or items we don't need! Once he wanted to buy a used horse saddle due to its "quality". I agreed it was high quality and a great deal, but we do not own a horse! 😂

I can’t answer this as I feel super paranoid one of his family members could be on here.

Make sure you out a claim in for child maintenance with cms straight away after birth. This one is going to be fucking difficult. Im assuming he left for someone else?

It only be a few weeks before the pram is vomited on etc. I wouldn't worry about 2nd hand. I think it is the pram manufacturers who push the idea that every new baby needs a complete travel system otherwise it won't be safe outside.