Ex P Bought Second Hand Pram

[Mumtobe799]

I’m expecting a baby soon. My ex and I split up in my first trimester and I have not spoken to him in over 3 months, all communication goes through my family.

I’ve had a really difficult pregnancy and I have suffered from significant mental health issues. My ex knows I really struggle with germs/mould and have experienced ocd anxiety and even psychosis in the past.

I’ve been buying everything for our unborn child. My ex asked my family if he could help buy anything yesterday and then today I’ve had a message saying he’s bought a pram. I was honestly shocked but very thankful as that was something I was going to buy.

I then received a picture of a well used, second hand pram purchased for maybe a 1/5th of the new price. You can clearly see mud all over the wheels and marks on the material. The pram is my ‘dream pram’ but instead of being a dark colour it’s bright white, so shows up the marks really badly.

I know I sound so ungrateful but my ex has been really negative about the pregnancy and I honestly feel like he’s purposely bought my dream pram but a well used one in bright white, knowing the white will stress me out with marks everywhere and I will feel really, really uncomfortable with the germ situation. The thought of putting my baby in it or him putting my baby in it makes me physically sick.

My ex is not struggling for money, his monthly car lease is 3x what he spent on this pram. I feel he’s bought it to say ‘look I’ve done so much’ but in reality he knows it’s a waste of money and has upset me.

I have looked at Pram Parlour and they look great.

I’m going to ask him to pay for the clean though as the full clean is only £30 less than he paid for the pram.

You think someone will be identifiable based on whether they are paye or self employed, rather than all the other details and timeline youve given? The reason i was asking was to guess whether you are likely to see a penny from him. Im guessing not.

OP I've just skimmed but - PLEASE get help with your OCD now. When the baby comes there will be so so many more scenarios that will trigger it, and that will impact the baby as well as you.

I don't want to cause more anxiety butt untreated OCD, single parenting which is very tough at the newborn stage, and what sounds like a very fraught relationship with a controlling ex and his difficult family does not sound like a safe combination for you.

I am not 100% sure as I’m avoiding social media although I have a suspicion there’s a woman he told me ‘not to worry about’ on the scene. I was cheated on whilst he was away (one of the reasons we broke up) and I’ve heard through the grapevine they’re on each others social media pages.

OP you sound utterly heartbroken and I would find it incredibly difficult in your situation too. But you need to lower your bar. Drop your expectations to the floor and you won’t be disappointed.

He is your ex for a reason and he isn’t interested in you or the baby. What you’ve said about the flash cars and designer clothes makes me think he’ll give you just enough performative support to avoid looking like a total shit to other people.

Don’t hurt yourself hoping for sympathy, interest, care or help in any way.

Focus on you and your baby. Buy the pram you were going to buy and tell him to keep this one at his place. You’ve had a difficult pregnancy and you don’t need to add this stress into the mix. Take care of yourself x

Plenty of people who care enormously about their children use second hand baby equipment. Either because they can't afford new, or because they like the idea of using second hand for environmental reasons. You'll probably end up wanting 2 prams anyway, as the baby will be across two houses presumably. Stop with the insulting rubbish about how people who buy second hand stuff "don't care" about their children, accept that he is an individual who can has every right to decide what HIS baby uses at HIS house. It you don't like it, buy your own pram for your house.

If he were considerate, he'd have cleaned it up before letting the OP see it.

He is the type of person who would be very embarrassed if his colleagues and friends thought he wasn’t providing.

I honestly believe he has told people the baby is not his so he doesn’t look bad for leaving and that is why he’s going down this court/dna route.

I'm sure you're more than good enough! Too good for him! You said you are only in your 20's and he is in his 40's why do you want someone so much older? He's more like grandad age than dad age! Don't you want someone younger?

I had one pram that did four DC....so it was second hand, third hand....and fourth hand for my youngest. I just washed the covers before each new baby was born.

I could have wasted money on new prams for each baby but didn't feel the need.

It was lovely of your Ex to think of buying the pram for your new baby. The gesture was what matters the most here.

Has your OCD had a factor in your relationship breaking down?

I'm pregnant and have bought a second hand pram, but have more than enough money to buy a new one , but tbh I just see it as a waste. Although the pram I have bought is literally like new. Can you ask him to pay to get it professionally cleaned ?
With my first DS I spend 1400/1500 on a pram which he was in for about a year at most .
Do you think its maybe as he's got other children he's a bit more relaxed . Now I'm pregnant again looking back I can't believe the amount of ridiculously expensive things I bought for my son.

No. I’ve had MH issues since a year into our relationship and he has always known that.

Funnily enough he was quite happy when his home was perfect and he was being cooked for and all house chores being done. My OCD never bothered him then.

I wouldn’t want a second hand pram for my newborn baby, germophobe or not, so I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. Just say thanks but no thanks.

Everything he does from now on will be a form of emotional abuse.

He was so generous in buying you a big ticket item like a pram…which he knew would trigger your germ phobia and a sense of inferiority. Plus he knows you’ll make it look brand new before you go out with it…and he’s probably telling everyone it’s new and how expensive it was.

I see him OP. You aren’t being unreasonable to be upset. Shut down your expectations. Ask nothing of him. He can’t hurt you that way.

@Mumtobe799

What @Singleandproud said, pretty much word for word!!

Thank you for hearing me.

I think people believe I’m ungrateful but I really feel this was done to hurt me.

I don’t know what kind of pram it is, but it’s possible you can buy replacement upholstery separately. We had a secondhand Uppababy; the only one we could find was in a colour I hated, but I was able to buy a new seat cover and hood unit in a better colour, and it really wasn’t that expensive.
Try searching online for spare parts in your brand.

I get it OP. You were together 5 years and he knows about your OCD. He knows your likely reaction to a dirty second hand pram. It's deliberate, of course it is.

He sounds like a silly prick, I’d be upset too op. I have ocd as well and would hate a second hand pram for a newborn.

Trust your gut. He did do this to hurt you. Don’t give him another chance. If he wants to help with anything else, tell your family to ask for nappies, toiletries and other consumables.

That’s not a description of second hand. It was your pram used for a long time. You knew where it had been and if there were stains you knew what they were. And there’s nothing lovely about it. It is his own child so it isn’t even a gift.

Can’t he keep that one and you buy your own, surely you’ll need one each?

It may be worth thinking about how you tackle your anxieties before baby is here as I promise you even with the best intentions your brand new pram will soon end up looking similar. They’re impossible to keep looking immaculate, ditto car seats!

OP, you say he cheated on you, but for some reason you’re wondering why you’re not good enough for him?? Please understand that he is not good enough for you 💐

Sorry you are having to deal with this guy. I'm 100% with you on his decision.. he has obviously done this is upset and cause you distress. Let him hold onto the pram I am sure he will get it cleaned or change it as his pride and ego won't allow him to push baby around in it, won't match his luxury designer aesthetic.

I'm also expecting my first and despite everyone going on about second hand items I can't bring myself to purchase them regardless of a good clean etc. Having to organise collection/delivery, launder items and buy new covers etc checking the sizing I do not have the time with full time. It's my personal choice. Colleagues have offered to give me items and I didn't follow it up and I shouldn't have to justify what I want neither should you!

Buy what you can afford and will put your mind at rest. I also have issues with uncleanliness (I'm a secondary school teacher) and I'm taking each day as it comes once baby arrives no point stressing out. Yes it's going to be hard but speak with your midwife about your ocd if you haven't already done so. I can imagine if you have been in a md out of hospital for some time it will make your ocd worse and your anxiety.

Manage what you can and leave what is out of your control. He is an absolute pig! I'm happy your health is better just focus on being better and ready for your impending birth.

Your health and your baby is most important trust your gut and rise above his crap! Look into pregnancy yoga on YouTube and breathing techniques to help calm you down. I'd keep correspondence between him to a min if he has the attitude he has, let him go via your family.